Monday, October 29, 2007

Here it Goes

Tearing up the days in a good mood.
Feeling lucky, feeling content.
"Thanks" I say, "but no, I'm not getting laid"

I find it funny that whenever I have good weeks, it has to be because of something now. I've been having mood problems for years, and maybe I'm defined by them. It's not a big deal, I'm not offended. I know it's a joke. I just find it odd and slightly alarming that when I am in a good mood it is presumed I'm getting sex or I'm on drugs. I think I've just started to be seen as a distressed person. I don't like that.

In other news, I fucked up. This might be the one midterm I've ever had that I am worried about flunking. Want to know something surprising? It was my Drama midterm. Ugh. That was so dissapointing.... in fact, so dissapointing, i am embarassed bringing up details, so I'll pass on that.

I made 3 loaves of banana bread yesterday. They are fantastic. I also ended up sleeping the whole evening to have the whole cycle repeated. I can't sleep lately. I go to sleep, wake up a while later and end up feeling sick to my stomache. Full blown nausea, back pain, headaches, dizzy spells... Only at night. Then during the day I'm fine and I sleep.

I get a massage in 1.5 hrs. I am hoping that will fix the sleeping, the pain, the posture... Oh and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm not going to enjoy it, but I'm going.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Jupiter Won.

The past few days have been wonderful and oddly convenient in terms of good things happening when I least expect it to.

For instance:
  • I missed by bus by 30 seconds yesterday, walked to the other bus stop and just caught the bus magically due to another person being at the bus stop. Thanks random dude!
  • I ended up getting to school 15 minutes earlier than usual which resulted in extra time to print out my Film Studies midterm and get a muffin and chocolate milk without being late for class.
  • I didn't have a stapler for my project, couldn't find a stapler anywhere and this random kid in my class goes "I have one, did you need it?" Thanks random kid!
  • Cutes-a-hoy smiled at me loads and made me quite happy for no good reason. He's got nice eyes.
I also slept from about 3pm till 7:30 pm. Where I woke up and ran around looking for things because I was convinced it was this morning. Hah. I'm so dumb. After I realized it was still night, I ended up falling back asleep till 11 when my mom woke me up because she didn't know when I got home and was worried. I ended up staying awake for an hour or two, reading my text book before passing out until 7 this morning. Gorgeous.
I think there's something wrong with me.

Today has been one of those "I'm so glad to be alive" days. Due to the unseasonably warm weather, I laid in the sun reading my text book before getting bored/chilly. It's cold out now due to the winds changing, but this afternoon was noice. I like breezes, they are amazingly calming and comforting sometimes.

I'm still wasting time, reading text books and waiting for my film lab, but I feel good. My hair is getting long, I get to see cutes-a-hoy in an hour and a half and I am not as fat as the girl beside me on the computer. hurray!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Here's The First:

I am not thinking coherantly. Lettuce do some random thoughts.

  • I have a mad crush on Ingrid Michaelson. She is incredibly talented and cute. I want to be her.
  • I want it to be tuesday.
  • I like children. I want a child. Just one. I don't care what that customer told me last weekend.
  • The latest episode of the office made me cry.
  • There is nothing more comforting than laying in bed with no clothes on.
  • I have been on the most extreme science kick lately. It has prompted me to get around to writing documentaries down and getting them ordered at work.
  • I need a green and white straw in my slurpees. I can't drink them unless they have those straws.
  • I have seen two incredible movies in the past week. Across the Universe and Darjeeling Limited gave me boners. I hope to add Into The Wild to that list tonight.
  • One good song can inspire me to want to be a musician. An actual musician.
  • I have never had shorter fingernails. I love them this way.
  • I am actually kind of happy. I am not sure how to handle it. It's weird.
  • I miss the ocean more than anything in the world.
  • I wonder if boys are as jealous as girls are. Or at least girls like me. I am a very jealous person. I hide it sometimes.
  • I wish my eyes were brown. I want brown eyes so badly.
  • I miss having someone laying beside me in bed with no clothes on. It's been forever since I've had that.
  • It's also been way too long since I've had sex. I wouldn't mind having more sex in the future.
  • I want to move out.
I don't know. It's late/early and I can't stop thinking about things that are good and bad and exciting and wonderful. Ingrid Michaelson, I love you.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

in my bedroom after the war?

How delicious was Clark Gable? Film Studies is a lot more interesting when you pay attention and you can take that to the bank and cash it.

Midterm went well. Even if I did bullshit it. I'd like to think that my ovaries and uterus gave me an innate sense of what was going down without really dedicating as much study time as I should have.

I fell in love with music again. Not just listening to but creating. I should really just stay engaged with it instead of coming back to it after months of hiatus. I also found a new song that makes me feel so great about everything. Even though most people will make fun of me for it, I'll announce it.
"kill the director - the wombats"
It's all I've been listening to for the past couple days. It makes me want to dance. I want to dance.

In other news, I am now avidly looking for a mate. As clinical as that sounds, that's the best I can do. As anyone who deems themselves ready to go for the dating scene, I can attest that it's hard. I have a small social circle and I don't meet new people often as everyone seems to be attached to former friends or acquaintances. My problem, lies in the difficulty in meeting people to date, which obviously would dampen my dating possibilities. Another problem is that people I meet or randomly run into aren't, in my opinion, attractive. This presents a unique problem.

I am honestly set to date. I don't like anyone at the moment, (seriously, will power is fantastic), I am open minded and willing to try things out... I just don't really have the time to meet people. Call it lazy, I call it reality. The prospect of meeting someone is still exciting though.

Current Problem? Finding time to do things I need to do. This is the worst.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I finally love something I can keep.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about the state of my life and my interests and how I spend my time. With my dedication to catching up in life actually getting me somewhere lately, I've been feeling a lot better and enjoying things a lot more.

I had an 8 hour rehearsal yesterday which was pretty damn awesome. I think the scene is going to look really cool when it all comes together. I spent 12 hours at school and spent those whole 12 hours doing theatre related work. I hurt so much today from moving and crawling and running around and dancing and it is the kind of hurt that makes you glad you love something so much, you are willing to throw caution to the wind for the sake of the group. My 257 prof called me a strong actor yesterday. My 259 prof makes me feel like he sees dedication inside of me and it's his job to be tough to get that to come out. I suddenly feel a lot of confidence in my craft, I want to be successful in this program.

I've also been more dedicated to reading textbooks. I've almost finished all my readings for the week in Film Studies and I'm actually doing readings in Women's Studies. It's kind of cool being responsible instead of wasting time on the computer or watching tv. It's like my busy lifestyle is forcing me to just do something because if I don't right now, who knows when I'll have another chance.

I'm also spending some time with Steve tomorrow for a movie before my all night study-a-thon.

AND, I wrote songs in drama yesterday, so I'm getting some new strings because my old ones are falling apart and dusty and sound like dying kittens. Life is good. I am good. I am great.

And I'm not even lying about it this time.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Get Fucked, Stud.

I can't help but feel like I am "contributing to the spread of patriarchy" whenever I leave my Women's Studies class (WSTU). Today we were talking about the standard of "Thinner is Better" and I agree with the fact that image has a large amount of power over your ability to be heard, acknowledged and loved... I still can't conceive the idea that the image of Kate Moss is perceived as "ideal female". Maybe my problem with this class is that I am not observing it from a macro level in society, but more so a personal objective within myself and my social sphere. That's probably why it's so frustrating. I like women who are thinner, but curvy. I like the hips, small waist, hourglass figure. Just not my version of curvaceous. Me but smaller. Also the standard dark eyes, dark hair, light skin applies to women as to men. I just feel very out of place in WSTU because my opinions seem to be more jaded or patriarchal in nature. I wear a bra because my chest hurts when jumping or running around not because I want cleavage or a youthful appearance. Try running or walking fast with a D cup chest. Yea, thought so.

In other news, trying to keep off of a rant relating to women, my sister's guinea pig, Reese, died this morning. It was incredibly sad. My sister is really upset about it. She ended up having me in a 3 minute hug as I rubbed her back telling me how Oreo was laying beside her and how it's going to be so sad when Oreo starts calling for her... I can't help but shake the feeling that Oreo is going to either get really sick or die of loneliness in the next few days or weeks. She is going to give her a lot of attention in the next couple days, which is a good idea. I probably will too.

Also, today is my date with Duncan for the New Pornographers concert. It's going to be nice to hang out with a friend. I've been pretty solitary in the past couple days.

Plus, I scored the seat near cute boy today. Hurray classes.

Monday, October 8, 2007

your mouth is a gun

It's really hard trying to train yourself not to feel how you feel.
For the record, don't be a 'fraidy cat like me. It's easier when you're not broken up about it.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

a Miser a Misrable

Today was a very wonderful day with a side of melancholy.

As Thanksgiving fast approaches, my involvement in family affairs picks up. Usually I shrug and complain silently as I try to look for excuses to get out of baking or cleaning, usually baking. THIS YEAR, however, I found myself anxiously wanting to get involved in the food prep.

I donned my green apron, complete with pockets, put my hair back, washed my hands and was ready to go. My mom was quite happy with this sudden enthusiasm and already had plans for me. First it involved quartering a rather large bag of pecans, which was fun. I didn't cut myself once, which, is a first. Next I helped clean the mess I made... and thennnn...

I learned how to make pie crust.
From scratch.
My attempt worked.
I was shocked.

I also made 3 pie crusts, including putting them into the pie crust foil thing, made leaves for the pumpkin pie edge, made the pumpkin pie, helped with the trifle... I am so proud. I am also going to learn how to make peroghy with my Baba next week.

I have basically decided I'm not going to fight this urge to be a lone wolf, independent, incapable of being a married woman woman. I want to learn how to make things that run in the family... Like all the Ukrainian things I like, pies, biscuits... I want to be able to do these things. I'm tired of being a dumb girlchild. I want to be a self sustaining woman who is able to create things from scratch that are good and semi-healthy.

I also cleaned my room. I took pictures too because I don't know how long this is going to stay. Or if it will ever be this clean again. My sister was shocked and my brother told me how proud of me he was. Seriously, is my room being clean that much of a huge deal?

I lit my candles. The ambiance is incredible. I just need someone to cuddle with and I'd be set.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

More Women's Studies Random Thoughts:

  • Am I just naive? I have a large problem with theories like compulsory heterosexuality. Granted it's just a theory, the idea that society has constructed us to be heterosexual is just ridiculous in my opinion. I think people are attracted to whom they are attracted to due to biological determinism. I don't think I was socially constructed to like guys. I think I was born and I basically am attracted to guys because sex is good and I "love the cock". However, I think my attraction to girls may be genuine admiration or jealousy because they have a kick ass body or they are beautiful or I want to look like them. Plus, I just might be hyper sexual, which is a hilarious thought due to my lack of sex drive lately.

  • Also, with the whole debate of my sexuality lately, I think my problem may stem from the fact that I am really unsure about relationships due to the fact that on my behalf or my prospective partner's behalf, I am constantly disappointed. Due to this inhibition of my relationships and fear of starting some new relationship where heartbreak is only t-x hours /days/months away, I have become afraid of sex. I am never really this sexual restrained but something happened to me over the past 6 months where I began to withdraw. I think my cure to this problem may be to meet people whom I am only mildly attracted to and have the whole "ok, sure" attitude. This however, has its potential for disaster as I get attached to people easily and when I get attached, I inevitably get depressed due to.... disappointment!

  • The heterosexual matrix, is something I can actually wrap my head around. Socially speaking, GENDER, not heterosexuality, is enforced on us before we can comprehend it. Pink clothing for baby girls, blue clothing for baby boys, barbies, monster trucks, dresses, overhauls.... etc. However, saying that heterosexuality is enforced through societal conditioning is ridiculous. You can't train someone to be homosexual. If I was to have a child and only surround him or her with queer ideology or constantly point out members of the same sex in positive light while demonizing those of the opposite sex, I could not train my child to be homosexual.
I don't know. This class really just gets me slightly riled up. I'm also pretty positive that it's not the riling up that I suspect will get me a decent mark for being complacent. But then again, I could easily just be naive in thinking that free will and choices of the people to be who they are/ choose who they are are not just idealistic thinking. I should study existentialism.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Today Needs to be a Good Day.

No more of this nonsense.

It's 6 am.
I have already:

  • Watched the beginning of the Office that I missed thursday night.
  • Watched the second episode of the second season of Heroes
  • Completed 40 minutes of Cardio
  • Had a shower, scrubbed, moisturized, conditioned. Soft and smooth.
  • ... well I will be making french toast for breakfast. I haven't done it yet..
The last 3 days have been really difficult. I think I need to sleep more. Last night was pretty good, however, the downfall of me going to sleep really early, is that my body is used to getting 5 hours of sleep. I was up at 4 am and I couldn't fall asleep again. Maybe Jeffrey was right. The early morning really is the best time. I have an hour and a half until I have to leave for school. I'm not rushing, I basically have to eat, dress and dry my hair. Maybe I will start getting up early all the time.

.... That's it. We need to stop spending so much time together.