Friday, February 27, 2009

don't let him waste your time.

i'm feeling like a baby again... here's some reasons why i want to stay in bed for a week:

  • it's cold outside. not just "chilly", but cold. factoring windchill, it was approximately -36 this morning. i thought this was perfectly good cause for not going to my morning class. instead, i rewarded myself with 3 extra hours of sweet, peaceful sleep. however, i am now behind. again.
  • i don't want to put my big girl pants on and command attention in the majority of my classes right now. i don't want people to look at me at all either. so, holding auditions, directing a scene, performing a midterm, discussing a research project in class, conducting a verbal presentation and working on macbeth scene doesn't really fly with me right now.
  • i'm over thinking stupid little things again. i'm over analyzing things that do not even need to be included in second thoughts. this makes me feel like the dumbest person ever. it's something i feel like i can not control and is therefore, driving me mad. (shut up, jordan)
  • i'm exhausted. i don't sleep anymore and when i do, it just sets me up for more dissapointment the next night.
  • i'm stress eating and therefore feel disgusting. this also contributes to the "DON'T LOOK AT ME" phenomenon associated with my rapidly declining self confidence. this will all work itself out later, when i'm drinking at least a litre of water per day again, and managing to remember that fruit exists.
  • did i mention it was cold outside?
  • i am slumping creatively. hard core slumping. did i mention i'm an arts student?
  • my room is a horrific mess. as previously mentioned, the corelation between room cleanliness and frame of mind is undeniable. my life is falling apart because i can't walk in my room.
and my lips are so chapped and windburnt, that they hurt. and not even blistex medicated will soothe my pain.

i need like 12 hugs.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


if instead of singing a song i love to describe the way things are.
i should be loving the way things are enough to describe a song.

either way. thanks lovely.

Friday, February 6, 2009

put a smile, put a smile on my face

i had a dream about _______ last night. he was driving a ______ to ______ and for some reason i was in there with him talking about silly things. the catch was, the longer we drove, the further i was getting from where i was supposed to be. i watched the trees whiz by, hiding the mountains. it was snowy and the landscape was typical brownblack and white. aspens, fir, pine, deciduous.

we laughed and talked about how fun it was to be ____________ together and reminisced about ______. i felt concerned because i was so far from home and happy because i was alone with him. eventually i decided i had to get out of the ______ and figured i'd have to walk back to the nearest town and find a way back to the city. it would have been a long walk.

as i said good-bye and wished him a pleasant rest of the drive to _______. before i left, i turned around... looked at him and kissed him. and to my surprise, he kissed back. hard. we kissed each other, looked at each other and laughed. "i'm going to enjoy my trip to ________... then when i come back, we will discuss this" he said, with a mischevious smile. i replied "we can discuss it all you like, but i'm glad i did that"

"i'm glad you did too" he said before i left.

the rest of the dream was different. i got a ride back from a classmate who randomly drove by me... then caught a bus home. but i thought about him the whole time.

then i awoke and thought about you again.
i shouldn't be doing this. even if it's subconcious.