Saturday, May 22, 2010

this is good

somewhere between sensual and drunk.
that's the best place to be, i reckon.

so much is going on in my whirlwind of a little life i can barely keep up.
i want to write a book about it. which no one will read.

i want to go swimming with all my clothes on.
i want another bottle of wine and a surplus of short videos about friends and family.
i want to cuddle.
i want to get caught in the rain, alone, so i can dance with no one watching.
i want someone else to change my guitar strings, because i'm really not looking forward to that.
and i'd really like to be on a greyhound bus that is almost just about to get to jasper, which will then get to blue river at 2 am (pacific time), which means it will get to kamloops at around 5 am, which means i will fall asleep and wake up to the coquihalla highway.

i'm all a flutter lately, and i'm very much looking forward to the next week and all it's wonderful events and outings. rararararararah!

(cross our hearts and hope to die, swear by stars that light the night... and i can't help but feel like this is good)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

drive well sleep carefully

my computer goes into automatic sleep mode in 4 minutes.
i am done lying in bed. i'm restless yet exhausted but for the past 3 nights it's been the same story.
if i leave my door open, the ticking of the clock in the living room beats on the offbeat of my ticking clock in my bedroom and i feel trapped between two distinctly different worlds. how many other clocks are there on my block alone, ticking? if we added them all together would they produce a constant sound, similar to a buzz of sorts? similar to the static of the universe? to channel 116 on my television?

i feel overly stimulated yet lacking creativity. that isn't fair. with insomnia comes strokes of genius. comes guitar chords and progressions and lyrics and melodies. or poems or stories. instead all i feel is a vast amount of nothing and slight contempt at how content i am laying still and silent with absolutely no pay off. this isn't the way it's supposed to go.

i have 2 minutes. i have nothing of importance to say yet i feel i should be saying something. the methodical ticking soothes me in ways i am not exactly ready for. i feel like a shark on it's back. this isn't the way insomnia is supposed to work. instead of creativity, i am getting sick. i'm exhausted and lethargic and i don't get why i can't just sleep anymore.

everything smells a different way too. my shampoo, lemons, garlic bread. i left my ipod on for the past 2 days. it's been playing my top rated playlist for 2 days and i haven't even felt like listening to it... but the subtle clicking sounds tells me it's working. the hard drive inside is spinning yet the lack of sound is counter-intuitive.

apparently my computer gives me a 10 minute warning before it shuts down. usually i'm asleep for this part. i feel top heavy, yet sleep isn't coming. i knew i shouldn't have rearranged my pillows.

8 minutes 13 seconds.

silence. stillness.

7 minutes and 17 seconds.

where did the last 66 seconds of my life even go? sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

6 minutes and 25 seconds.

your sunsets are amazing this time of year.