Wednesday, June 25, 2008

sell by december 2008

i got my bike today.
i rode my bike all over the neighbourhood. it was great. it was like that kid in e.t. i peddled so hard i almost wiped out. i went around the block, up some hills and through the cemetery like old times. i realized i hadn't gone biking in the cemetery since mp3 players were hip. and i mean like, 115MB mp3 players. actually, i think mine was only 50, and it was the most amazing contraption i had ever held in my hand. this time i had my ipod playing my top rated playlist which contains over 1200 songs alone. i felt old. then i biked to my baba's house for a visit and some water. it's weird having that house almost empty. i hate that they are selling it. that is like a safe haven for me. i hate that i won't have it in my life anymore.

i watched this reality tv show called "baby borrowers" with my mom and sister tonight. those kids are retarded. it made me want to have a baby just to prove i could actually take care of one... unlike those idiot teenagers. one of them actually said "fine, starve" to a BABY that wouldn't eat and left him in the highchair. this is what i consider the decline of modern society. i really just hate teenagers.

i had a good day. it was freeing being able to be on a bike and just relax while motoring around the cemetery. lovers in a dangerous time is such a great song. so is hand in my pocket. i'm going to really start trying now. i know i'm a hard person to be around sometime, but be patient. i'm coming around. or at least, i'm trying really hard.

Monday, June 23, 2008

i'm losing, not lost.

it was the kind of weekend that made me wonder where i was going.
you know that feeling you get on the highway, it makes you want to recreate that scene in Powder where he opens his arms toward the sky. i could have done that.

yesterday was the kind of day that made me wonder what i was doing.
it's not as if i think i'm unsure, i just need to know where i stand so often that if i don't get reassurance i crumble. i could have said something.

today was the kind of day that made me want to be something else completely and entirely.
i've been overly tired lately and i guess i didn't know it until this morning. i sleep so much better when i'm alone in my own bed. there's no reason to be self conscious or nervous. is this a metaphor of my life? maybe. who knows. i sure don't.

i was listening to fleetwood mac and thinking. i could go my own way. i should go my own way. i was listening to a song called "oats we sow" by gregory and the hawk and i got to thinking. whenever i hear music that i love and hate myself for not writing i always end up thinking. i think even when i am not thinking. lately all of my thoughts have been dedicated to the west coast. i think it's time for me to let go of all the things keeping me in one spot and go my own way.

i'm coming up with goals and plans. i'm going to try really hard to stick to them. i give myself one year as of august 31st to make something happen. i can't sit around and not let myself get better. i'm not getting better here anymore. i love the feeling of nervous energy. i love the fear of being alone. i need something to wake up that spontaneous side of me that died 4 years ago.

someday i'll toss all your presents and bury the letters left unsent.
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy and i wanna do what pleases me
but i can't

the road, she'd roll round the side of the mountain with nowhere to go
but the heart we know, when it's needin it's careenin toward being alone

someday i'll find the mind to mend it and make dry these eyes i've gotten wet
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy
i wanna do what pleases me but i can't

the crow, he'd mow half the grass on the knoll with nowhere to go
but the heart we know, when it's lovin it's leanin toward being alone

the oats we sow, they could seed on forever with nowhere to grow
but the heart we know, when it's askin its exact twin it will not be alone

Thursday, June 19, 2008

i'm just waiting till the shine wears off

i get overly excited when i get to go places. i don't care if it's for 4 hours, 4 days or 4 weeks, i love leaving. i make piles of clothes, i draw grids for meals, i make to-do list after to-do list. i think the worst part about this is that i have a feeling when i finally get out of this town, i'll move to somewhere incredible that i have dreamt about living in, get incredibly acquainted with said place and then once again be needing to leave.

i've always wondered if my insatiability with things and places is a personality defect or a blessing in disguise. on one hand, nothing will ever be enough for me but on the other, i will always be trying to do something different/see different things/grow, learn etc. the more i try and express my need to do everything, see everyone, go everywhere... the more people around me make me feel like a child. as if this need for constant change is a marker of immaturity and indecision. i'm really getting tired of feeling broken because i can't sit still. sometimes constant moving isn't such a bad thing.

camping this weekend with a good group of people, camping next month with the family, vancouver in august. i never want to sit still.
and i know when i'm there, i won't want to come home.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

ATTENTION contents under pressure

my mid life crisis will be the equivalent of the san andreas fault exploding into what scientists refer to as "the big one".
seeing as how my "pre-life crisis" is a series of aftershocks ranging from 4.2-6.7 on the richter scale... i am expecting nothing less than a massive/catastrophic disaster of which the world (or more accurately: myself) has never seen.

i am restless. i am tired of going to school. i am bored with my environment and if i didn't love people so much (ie: friends, famfam etc) i would be gone faster than you could spell my full name. i need to stop reading kerouac. i need to stop wikipedia-ing places i only dream about. i need to delete google earth's launcher from my computer.

why isn't anything enough for me? why can't i just be happy that i live in a place that isn't overly gross or tiny, that i have a family who expects things from me and wants me to succeed, that i am getting an education when many people in this world don't...

reading all of this writing by someone who feels like, in a way, that i do gives me this whole idea that a bohemian lifestyle is still possible in these days of fast paced waste. i don't want to be someone who settles. i don't want to do anything if i don't feel something for it. i don't think that doing things because you "have to" is a good reason for doing anything at all. why am i the only one who still FEELS anything around here?

i had a discussion with a friend recently about how times have changed. i was born in the wrong time. i was born in the wrong body. i truly believe that the only way you will do good in the world and to others around you, is by knowing who you are and what you stand for. i know that i won't be able to accomplish this until i find someplace that scares me.

i'm restless. i'm tired. i miss you.
i need to find my own route across.

Monday, June 9, 2008

jus d'orange.

i know how i'll be spending my time for the rest of the week...
also, this is the best thing ever.

(i am well aware that i am going to lose my friends, boyfriend and general cool-ocity by posting this)

Saturday, June 7, 2008

you've got to give a little love to get a little love

i'm going to attempt a counter attack that involves not attacking at all.
you can attract more bears with honey than with fire ants but bears are godless killing machines so is it really worth it in the end? at least honey is good for the skin, maybe i can get a little glow going.

bears don't even like fire ants.

i fell in love with an idea last night. it involves space, time and distance from everything. i'm considering the horizontal translation idea again. everything will be up in the air until the government of canada decides if i'm worth investing a few grand for educational and maybe travel purposes. i've pretty much decided that since i'm going to die one day and this is the only shot i've got at a life, and i don't feel like i've actually lived anything so far, i'm going to do things that will make me happy regardless of trivial things like money or responsibility. i'm not attempting to be outlandish and irresponsible, i'm not immortal or overly intelligent, but i'm going to owe people money for the rest of my life. i might as well have a god damn story to tell about it.

i need a passport and a vial of courage.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

(if you want it)

i'm in the middle of a forced personality adjustment, and it's really weird to actually be engaging myself in self change instead of having it thrust upon me with birthdays and crisis. i wonder how long my enthusiasm will last this time. hopefully longer than the last one.

don't hate me.
(i started tanning yesterday.... ) i'm trying to figure out if that stupid dumb girly stuff i hated so much growing up will actually make me feel better about myself. as much as i try to feel pretty and worthwhile, i usually don't. (shh, that's a secret)

i fully realize that the majority of my life was wasted fighting causes against things that i didn't have to rebel against. i'm sorry that i spent so much energy on things that didn't matter. it's like i have to be a total exception to the rule of gender or expectations, but it's so much easier and relaxing just allowing life to happen to you. actually, reading that last sentence over doesn't sound so good. whatever. the point i'm trying to make, horribly may i add, is that i'm tired of trying to fight everything. i'm finished with my battles of attempting to be so different from other people. it's not me, it never was.

i just want to enjoy taking care of someone, being myself and even cooking.
this is such a scattered entry.