Sunday, February 24, 2008

I like being alone.

I really do.
I don't have to compromise or adjust my day for anyone this way.

I don't think it's a good sign that my battery icon on my motherfricking laptop is blinking red frantically. Especially since it's currently plugged in.

Clean room lasted 2.5 days. Possibly longer. I'm not very good at being clean, obviously.

I could scratch someone's skin right off their back in the heat of passion with my nails. Quitting the nibbling wasn't so hard. However, I now have adapted random tapping to quell my need for movement.

Feeling slightly positive about my heating habits. HAHA. I have rocks in my bed from the cuffs of my jeans and I hate how I'll never be as pretty as I can make myself in video games.

I wouldn't mind a 23 hour bus ride. I want to test out my battery power. I could listen for 16.4 days anyways. That would be a wonderful trip to the edge of the earth and back.

The gator infiltrated my bedthoughts. I shooed him away with a plunger. Thinks of eating strawberries instead, decides that maybe an apple tree is a better idea.
However, he keeps creeping back with luring offers of golden peanuts and boiled toes. It feels a lot better than it sounds, mark me.

Need something a little more permanent than tongues and sex. "If we fuck tonight, I'll feel like shit in the morning" "That's ok with me" But is it really? Probably not. People bluff their way through more than poker games and family portraits.

I'm so happy that I can't stop crying.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


god dammit, time moves slower.
heavy lids, extended ears. tired fingers and twitching feet. capitalization is so pretentious.

radiohead has never sounded so good.
the moon was beautiful tonight. there was some sort of star. but it twinkled too much, so Iiii believe it was actually a planet. Venus would be pretty. that one's blue right?

Sarahtonin withdrawals. Micheal Ceratonin. Serotonin. What a stupid word.
thanks spellchecker!

i'd use your skin as a blanket. Dipping toes in all oceans. Fuck the wind, it just ruined the moment. I'm going to mail you something pretty. A little winter to freeze your heart so it never dies and never stops loving only the things that make it ache. attack. ache. die. whatever. it's sideways gravity anyhow. you're only being pulled towards the end of everything.

drury lane is a place. theatre royal, drury lane. theatre royal 2.
i gave myself happy face bruises. a little more permanent than paperpastels and water. god i love the sound of the dial one.
how to disappear completely without even trying?
ok computer, where are you're real friends?

i'm rotten fruit, i'm damaged goods. not a pretty face in the least. and now, she's completely unrecognizable. 67:24 minutes indeed. on repeat they last forever.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I feel (emotional landscapes?)

Lately, I've had such a rush of feelings running through my veins. While it ranges from happy, sad, lonely, ecstatic and right back down to depressed, it's just kind of nice to be a rollercoaster personified.

I don't remember the last time I took my meds. Maybe that's why.

Either way, maybe what I need is to just be myself. The good and the bad parts. I don't like the parts that aren't me. The chemicals, the sedatives, the unhappiness in their unnatural forms.

Remind me that I'm an idiot when I start remembering why this was a good bad idea from the get go.

I miss your arms the most.

Monday, February 11, 2008


I finally will have to get a passport.
Europe 2009 is a go.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I have a headache

And a certain Jeffrey Wood reads my blog too much.

we do some strange things.

I guess lately I've been studying the effect of weather, lack of sleep and general apathy on myself.
I'm pretty much out of tune with the world right now.

There's a difference between wanting change and being comfortably numb.
I've found a sort of home inside a bubble that cuts me off from friends and family. Maybe that's why I like being sick. People stay the usual 5ft back without me having to provoke them. Maybe my natural lack of immune system is just a protective barrier, I make myself sick subconsciously to save me the effort of really trying to achieve some sort of relationship with anyone that transcends space and time.

I really haven't put much effort into seeing my friends lately. If I can't talk to them from behind a screen, I guess I don't talk to them at all. The consequence of that, however, is that I need to be touched more than I ever have. A hand on my shoulder, a graze of the elbows, the prodding of a finger, the arms of a stranger.

I just need to be held so tight that I don't feel like I'm spinning away with the rotation of the earth. I just need something constant.

"she was 44 years old or so, she told me. she'd been working for a man who pays her $20 just to hold her. i found that very sad, very sad"

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I really think we did the (best that we could)

I'm not any better at sleeping.
With or without you, I don't even think it makes a difference.
For once my heart doesn't fight with my head because I know it means nothing and I don't care to try.

It's so late. Or early. I'm not good at this.
I'm so tired I'm not even tired anymore.

I need something that I don't even know exists.