Wednesday, January 30, 2008

We'll never sleep, but God knows we'll try.

The more I continue on with this lack of sleep routine, the more I realize how brilliant I am at 2 in the morning.

It's been bitterly cold outside and for the most part I was incredibly afraid of that. However, after leaving the house for the first time in 36 hours this morning, I started to understand the romanticism behind this frosty, chilly week. The air is so clear, not in a fresh way, but in the way where everything in it freezes and falls to the ground so you have this unobstructed view of the world. Something to wake your lungs up with.

If you dress appropriately for the weather, it's never as bad as it looks. I felt like I was being held all day under the layers of scarves, hats, mittens and socks. For the first time in a while I felt safer. Maybe due to the fact that if you knocked me over, it wouldn't hurt due to the insulation... but it was safer. Don't get me wrong, this is a nice change from my typical hatred of the winter months but I still long for summer. Something about hot nights and farmers tans always makes me feel better.

I need to find another nervous habit to occupy my time with. Biting lips, fingertips and nails will only aid to my decomposition as a human being over time. Maybe it's time to start doodling again.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Just Breathe (2 am)

I guess what it comes down to, is that I screwed myself.
Sleeping never was my forte, neurotic thinking is the only thing I seem to excel at. Mostly, the art of late night introspection. Failed goals, lost love, mortality, constriction, "who does it better than I?" said the cat before her last meal.

What is the point of living if you don't feel as if you are living at all? I find myself drifting through days that meld together to form one very long and predictable day. The only thing that changes is the weather. I dream up wonderful situations with excitement and that kind of newness you can only experience as a small child. Colours, movement, places I have only seen in pictures. Things I am shielded from, feelings I have yet to feel, love I have yet to find.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm in school. I could be content working some basic pay job just so long as I knew there would be a week of the ocean at the end of that road. A month of the English countryside, my shadow beside the darkness of the edge of the earth.

Instead I'm in school doing something I have yet to feel is really what I want. Stress and debt for nothing. I want freedom.

I want to go where I need to, love who I want to and feel what I feel without censoring myself out of fear. Limiting myself out of hurt.

It's that inability to really get my hands dirty that makes me feel nothing. I could hold your hands forever.... But my heart is so afraid of it. I am so tired of trying to make things clean and surgical. I want to feel something again. Even if it's hurt.

I may be stuck here for the next 10 years, but when I read back on the moments that make the most sense, it's because you're there. I'm really sorry.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Alohomora: The Killing Curse?

Once before, not quite a year ago, but a decent amount of time ago, I had a dream in which I had to battle Voldemort in order to save my life. It wasn't an angry battle but more of a game where the stakes were extraordinarily high. The setting was my house and my parents were not home. In this dream, we fought using charms and jinxes and curses however... avada kedarva was not used at all. The killing curse was instead alohomora, which opens doors that are locked (so long as they are not bewitched). This may or may not have some psychological counterpoint that Freud himself would analyze and see meant that new or previously unexplored options in my life were threatening to my very existence bla bla bla, but that however is not the point.

Yesterday, I had a repeat of this dream. As if fighting Voldemort became an annual sport or game for just the two of us. However, instead of using curses or jinxes, we used paintball guns. Once again, the stakes were high as the winner was allowed to live, while the loser would face a painful death... The setting was a house, much like mine, but vaguely different. I was terrified for the majority of the dream because I knew in my heart that there was no way I would win this one. My older brother took Voldemort's side for most of it, I remember he was hinting at good hallways in the house. I was on my own but I remember using the same room that I hid in the last time to cast my curse. I hid behind the same fake tree until I decided that this was stupid and went back upstairs to sit by the kitchen table.

The women in my family were there and I remember drinking coffee and talking with them about typical things when it started getting really quiet and the lights dimmed. I decided to load up my gun and just held it for a while while we were talking. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a finger behind a wall, starting to support a body that peeked out from behind. Within seconds, I had my gun up and I shot Voldemort with an orange paint ball right in the shoulder.

So I survived, he just went away because the bastard can't die at this point and I felt so accomplished and happy. Like I could literally do anything I wanted to.

So until next year, Voldemort, it seems I have decided once again that I will live.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Hey All.

Strep throat sucks.
As does credit card bills.

I feel a tad better today due to the fact that my throat isn't as swollen as it was before anti-biotics. But it still hurts and I'm tired and grumpy and COLD. What the hell is wrong with my house.

However, one good thing about this diseased day is that I am free to watch shark week (which is terrifying when you watch it back to back by the way), play video games till I pass out and I have free reign sleeping time.

However, I must be better by friday. I have plans.... and a new dress.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

I'm so lame it hurts sometimes.

Friday nights will now be nights where I go out like old times.
I had so much fun with my friends last night and I realize that I don't go out enough.

To start off my recap, I spent some time with Jeffrey at Leva chillin and eating pizza which is always fantastic. Seeing him more frequently lately has been nice. He's good company and a good friend. Post-Leva, I ventured off to Michal's for drinking and rockband festivities. I want that game. So badly.

I got to live my rock band aspiration vicariously through a video game and my want to learn the art of drums has been resurrected. The highlight of the game thus far was definitely Mike singing Sabotage. Haha.

Anyways, Halo time was good times and I am such a dork.
After a few hours of hanging with Laura, Mike and Ryan, I finally got the nerve (or he made a move, I have no idea) to dance and whatever with this guy I had been checking out all night. I totally have a crush. It's slightly ridiculous because usually meeting people in bars only leads to any of the following: sex, hickies, the clap or the type of making out that if you were not involved in, you would be judging the girl sucking face with random stranger. I am happy to say that despite inner workings of my demons, my night only resulted in one of those things.

Anyways, he is young (what is it with me and young boys lately?? This is getting out of hand), tall and cuuuuute. Not to mention good dancer, good kisser and he smelled fantastic. I don't know if the few hours I spent with him are any indication of personality, not to mention the fact that alcohol may have been a factor... but he just seemed like such a cool guy. I feel like such an idiot for not offering my number, or getting his...

Not to mention, I have been comparing the last 24 hours of my life to a Lance Bass movie (Remember On The Line? I didn't think so, don't worry I didn't actually watch it). It was just so nice to dance with someone (sexxxxxyyyyyyyy) and feel comfortable with someone and be held. I miss that so much. Not enough people just want to dance and kiss and hold someone now adays. With my absolute fear of sex and psychological paranoia about physical relationships making me feel like I should just give up trying to be human, last night was a slight milestone in my ability to be "normal". As idiotic as this sounds, it was a good thing to have a random fling with a strange boy.

However, now I really want to see him again. I'm crossing my fingers for next weekend. Man, crushing hard is so much fun. cute cute cute.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Silence is wonderful

I can't breathe without it hurting,
deep breathing causes coughing fits.
Coughing fits produce hard pieces of gross things which I can only assume are my lungs.
I'm sore and stiff and generally fatigued,

so I'm getting a massage.

Saturday, January 5, 2008


Alright, so the new year hath come and gone.
The big night itself was so much fun. Of course I binged on my drug of choice, the worst part is I don't even remember drinking that much. However, I met some sweet people and had a great night with my gang.

I've been pretty content with how this year is shaping up. My room is almost completely organized and purged of all things I don't need... I'm ready for school to start bla bla bla.

I saw Juno with Jeffrey yesterday, man what a great movie. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. I also spent time with Michal last night, whom I haven't seen since school.

I have been doing a lot of shopping lately though, and as terrible as it is on my credit card balance, it's doing wonders for me. I never buy clothes, I do, but they do nothing for me. Lately I've been spending more time finding things that fit and compliment me instead of finding things that are cheap. It's doing wonders for my confidence, that's fer sure.

Not to mention, with the addition of 40 more gigs on my ipod, I've been finding awesome music. Danse Parties abound.

In terms of resolutions this year, I think my main one is to just take better care of myself. I need to eat. This grazing thing I've been doing is leading up to weight gain, bad skin and no energy.... so I'll try to cut that out...

and I want to date a musician. For serious. I think this is the year.