where [i'm] at.

1. school is tiring me out. i feel burnt out already and it' s not even october. from papers to classes from rehearsals to readings... i don't know why, but this year is by far the most exhausting so far.
   
2. i'm battling a cold that doesn't know what it wants to do. i wake up one morning with no voice and then by the end of the day i'm fine. i get sniffles but then 5 hours later i feel fit as a fiddle. either i'm sick, or healthy. i can't do both at different times during the day.
3. music has eaten my life again. i lovelovelove meeting people who inspire me to do something.
4. i'm so not looking for a relationship, but i wouldn't mind reverting back to that kind of cute-ship i had going on last summer. i just want to be held a little. that's pretty much all i'm going for. also, rando-makeout hasn't called me yet. this is good news.
5. i'm having a hard time with the concept of moving lately. my dad has been making such a huge effort to be in my life lately, which makes me sad and weirds me out and then makes me even more sad because i feel weirded out by the idea that someone loves me unconditionally no matter how many times i fuck up... and then i think about when my parents die and if i move i'll have missed out on so much time with them and i know i'll hate myself. but at the same time, staying here when i belong there makes me feel like i'm the rope in a tug of war between two things i love so incredibly much. and it's ripping me apart.
6. i want to be wreckless for a bit. this includes certain things like drugs and alcohol. and maybe flings with guys i don't know. (no sex, sex is not cool with me at all right now). please don't judge me. i'm going through a rockstar phase and need some destruction in amidst all my positivity.
7. tomorrow i am spending my afternoon in my teashoppe by myself with some coconut black. i like being alone a lot lately.
8. i love my best friends. and i thank them every day for being there for me always. friday night was a good night.
9. at this very moment, i want to get married and have someone to make food for. don't ask why or how long this moment will last because it won't. but right now, i want someone to come home to.
10. i feel like an artist again, and i am so incredibly glad to be this way.
    

double claps and tramp stamps.

despite this weekend being entirely wonderful and great, i feel so unwilling to start my week.
school and transportation times are starting to take their toll on me. i feel unrested, tense and like i could use a few more hours in a day.

on the bright side, i think i'm suffering from a complete and total ambush of creativity from every angle. i still hate that i can't offer anything at the bargaining table but it's nice being surrounded by people who have more than enough creativity for the rest of us.

rehearsals are starting to pick up, we were on our feet for the first time, interacting with each other and the script on thursday. i like those kinds of rehearsals. where it's mostly improv, movement based and organic. i'm also happy at how many people are expressing interest in it. thanks guys, it means a lot to me.

musicians club is basically the highlight of my week. i love meeting new people in that little room in sub. especially when i feel inspired afterwards. i came home on friday and basically fondled my guitar, to no avail. however.... still. dry as a desert. it's starting to frustrate me a lot. and frustration isn't helping the problem.

last night was good food, good times and singing with a mic stand. i don't even care about my rockband obsession, but playing that game with a MFin mic stand is so much fun. because you can play guitar and sing at the same time, and i feel like premium talent when i do that.

this week is going to kill me a little more than last week. community based theatre is picking up and i don't understand the idea of research. ugh.

either way, i haven't been this genuinely happy with the state of my existance in a long time. hawkins was right. i'm so glad.

this civil twilight.

this week has been a gong show.
i:

• am applying for financial assistance to pay bills
  
• have had rehearsals for madwoman for the past 2 days which have been wonderful. i am so excited.
• tried cleaning my room, with no success.
• am attempting to smoke the rest of the pot i've had hidden in the backyard for the past 2 months before winter comes and ruins my hiding spot, which is so obvious i'm surprised no one noticed. there is nothing better then a bed with radiohead after a sweet, wreckless bike ride.
  
• am actually keeping up with my homework for the most part... yea, i know. surprisingly.
• am cutting off my hair on friday. i think i'm going short again.
• anticipate a mental breakdown to happen in about 3 weeks due to a combination of stress because of research papers, written proposals, workshop deadlines and rehearsals.
• am planning my way out of this cod-forsaskin city.
• looked into counselling services with an unlikely source today. i think i'm going to do it.
• can't wait till friday. jam session!!!
• can't wait till saturday. new asian village and rock band for corey's anniversary of exiting his mom's v-jay day!
• drank a litre of water today.
• am generally doing pretty well. minus these headaches. and inflamation in my ribs that won't go away making it painful to breathe at the WORST, MOMENTS, EVER.

essentially, as long as i keep fucking school, it won't fuck me. remind me to do this when i have cue to cues, dress rehearsals and god knows what else that will keep me from sleeping in 2 months.

come to my show, random internet strangers.

i know how to pick em.

well so, this is my 100th post. do i feel proud to have so much verbal leakage on the internet? not really. but i was kind of thinking of doing something pseudo-nostalgic about it. i have a habit of reading old blogs, not only from here, but from myspace/livejournal (oh yes, i saved them)

however, as much as i try to embrace the past, things happen, people change, i'm supposed to be one of those people... and i think that i am changing a bit at least.

it's just that the good days are really good, then the moments where i slip back into the highly melodramatic moments bring me down so hard... but i'm getting better. i've been so incredibly optimistic lately, and it is a nice change.

yesterday was a busy day... i skipped my first class of the year in favour of going home and taking it easy. i need to sleep more, drink less coffee and eat.

i modeled for jeffrey's portrait project yesterday, which was a wonderfully awkward experience. my friends think it's funny that i could get in front of a room full of people and sing or dance or be a general idiot and then you get one person to take my picture and i'm awkward galore. you would think that i would be ok with him doing it too, seeing as how it's jeffrey... but yea, i'm anxious to see how dumb i look in a bunch of those pictures.

musicians club meeting was pretty great. i met some really neat people who i could see myself collaborating with. we ended up having a huge acoustic jam, where i felt useless... until we all sang "don't look back in anger". it was magic. i really hope that i have time to hang with that group more in the next few weeks, but that all depends on:

abbedam callbacks. that was nervewracking. i hate how nervous i get before auditions. however the callback itself was ok. i think i felt pretty confident about it, but i find out tomorrow either way. i'm trying to not get too caught up on the idea that i have a part because if i didn't get one, i will be crushed. however, i'm trying to weigh pros and cons of not getting a part. pros: i can work more and not be so poor and incapable of paying bills right now... pros: musicians club can take more of a priority... pros: i get to sleep?....cons: holy dissapointment, batman.

today is a get organized day. i think i'll have the house to myself, so it's time to listen to radiohead like radiohead should be listened to. loud and lonely.

up, up, up!

after many talks with friends over the past 24 hours, i think i've got it.

i woke up late today, which was not a good thing to do. however, i was up till 2 in the morning catching up with friends and learning to not be angry. i was the weirdest sleep, i closed my eyes then i woke up, late no less.

classes today were slightly boring, things are starting to pick up and i no longer really feel optimistic of my ability to not slack off. i finished my homework during spares this morning and at least was ready for all my classes.

after classes, i went wandering in the river valley for a while. i walked through some trails, got my yellow shoes absolutely hideously dirty and ended up sitting under the high level.

i remember when nathan and i first started dating and we walked there and sat on the edge of the "cliff" and made our relationship official and it was the cutest, (until then) most cliche moment ever. i went back there last year during a spare and then again today and that section of ground has almost all eroded away. it was really hard getting down to the river bank from there.

however, i scaled it in flats and ended up sitting by the river for a while. i love water. if you look at it with half opened eyes you can almost pretend it's the ocean, minus the sweet intoxicating scent of salt water. i did some serious thinking down there, which is always the case. get me somewhere pretty and i'll figure my life out in 10 seconds. i feel better, a little.

then i threw the heaviest rocks i could find into the river because i have pent up garbage and it felt good. real good. so good i did it a lot.

on my walk back i felt like i got a little exercise and now i'm actually kind of tired. however, i still have an hour to waste before my lab. i should be outta here by 9 tonight.

i'm disapointed, i won't lie, however i need someone who gets me. it hurts right now, but it won't later. just keep reminding me to breathe.

i appologize.

the majority of my blogs for the next little while will be bi-polar.
last week was good. this weekend was not good. there were good moments, but on the whole, this weekend was not a fun weekend for me.

i hate when people say things take time. i know things take time, but it doesn't make anything any easier in the meantime.

i don't like how i feel lately. all it took was a second.

always where i need to be

today was a stuperpendous day.

despite the fact my body was probed in painful and incredibly uncomfortable ways, today turned out to be yet another positive day. i'm not quite sure where all this energy and happiness comes from, but i'm doing real good.

my doctor's appointment was not fun, but i went to retrieve phone then walked to leva where i had delicious spinach and feta flatbread pizza. jeffrey forgot we were meeting, he later confessed, which made me feel super fun and important. but like always, we had a great time conversing and being shallow, judgemental people. we can laugh about the most terrible things. it was nice seeing him again.

on the walk back to the u, i talked with steve for a while. did some catching up, made some plans to see hamlet 2 next week (jesus, i can't wait. that movie looks premium in the laughs department). i was going to buy books, got as far as the second floor of the bookstore, looked down and saw lines and was like "ya, no" and started home.

on my way back to the lrt, i ran into mike mcewan, which was wonderfous! i was thinking about him a bunch lately and was going to contact him to see when he was free for a catch up date and poof, there he was.

and while i was going to stay in tonight and take er sleezy with some documentaries and bed, i think a night of unedited debauchery will be a good night for me. sir rumsey has graciously offered his grandmother's patchwork quilt for me tonight, so i will take him up on that. plus, we need pictures galore. tomorrow will be a day of working. i have some notes to read and a quiz to write for monday. if i get enough done during the day, it allows me to hit up some karaoke and housewarming goodness during the evening.

i've been having a pretty decent week. this increase in socialization with people i haven't seen for a while is really good news for me. remind me how much this week really rocked when i hate everything because i'm sleep deprived and stressed because i once again started a paper later than i should have.

i like freedom more than a human being should. i just feel better being... selfish? i don't know if that is the right way to say it (or i know it is, it just makes me look like a bad person and i don't like that) but i really don't have an attention span for anything serious anymore. that bothers me. maybe the one person i've actually loved is as far as i will ever go in that department. maybe that was all the happiness i was alloted. and now i just do as i please without being able to do anything else.

or maybe i'm just young and i need to figure my shit out.
actually, the later seems more likely.

it's a motherfucker.

i have high hopes for myself this year at school:

day one:

i go to film studies class. awesome. fantastic. during our "warhol week" we watch a 35 minute film of a guy's face while he's getting a blow job. yes, this is my university education.

i make a total awkward ass out of myself during my spare, which i thought was theatre history. alex tells me i have an hour. i feel embarrassed stressing for no reason. long story, short.

during spare, i venture out to the club fair in quad. on my way i get centennial birthday cake. happy birthday u of a! i get to quad, sign up for musicians club, pay my dues and play some guitar with a few people. ya. i'm a musician. i wander around and end up signing up for the gateway, i think i'm going to try and write an opinion piece or something. i also want to volunteer as an in-school mentor for the big brothers, big sisters. i also ended up meeting some neat people.

i go to theatre history. it's theatre history without cookie wednesdays. i know, right? let's carry on.

spare. pasta and buns and reading.

community based theatre was kind of cool, a lot of work (i have so many papers due this semester, including a 15 page research paper for FS). i met a nice guy who walked me to the train. we talked about not so interesting things, like mumps needles and school.

i get home, am exhausted but smiling because my day is going great so far.

tyler and karyn come over for supper, what a gong show. i think we were all looped from sugar or something. i'm exhausted and tired and headachy.

now i feel totally confused. i don't know if i did the right thing. i want things to be good, to be interesting and to be cute and wonderful. where the hell did we go wrong.

hi. this is a rant.

i'm so sick and tired of feeling completely invisible to absolutely everyone.
hi, i'm a person. hi, i have value. hi, i like you but what does it really matter?

for months i have been quiet and good and not myself because i'm afraid of losing something i never really had in the first place. i don't know why i do this, but i'm doing it again and i'm so unimpressed with myself right now. i don't want grudges. i don't want petty arguments. i want something real and mine. and i've got nothing at all.

i have wasted a summer trying to make things feel good for myself. i thought i needed friends, beaches, sunshine, wading pools, hand holding... but what i really need is something real.

i'm so tired of pretending to be happy. i want to be important, but it's obvious that i'm just around because it's easier than talking about it, than fixing it, than ending it.

i start school in 2 days. i have wasted a whole summer hoping for something that never ever came to me. what a waste. i'm sick of the hollow chest, nervous jitters and empty heart feelings. i shouldn't have to be dealing with them now. i'm sick of feeling rejected by people who aren't supposed to reject me.

yet at the same time, here i am. having this same conversation with myself time after time. the same fight, week after week. how stupid do i have to be to keep thinking things will get better when they really won't.

yet i just get angry. i think the hurt feelings have passed and now i'm just resentful. i hate this. i just want to cry about everything yet nothing happens because my body is so dried up from being exhausted and thinking too much and just HOPING you could call me and ask what's going on. i have never been this tired of hoping. wishing, praying that maybe i could mean something to you if i tried to change myself enough so you could just be with me.

some things never change. i think i'll always be a 15 year old girl praying that someone finds me worth their time. except that i'm 22, and i shouldn't be like this anymore.