Sunday, September 27, 2009

whenorwhere we wandered

to add to my paranoia about being completely bipolar...
i am in a completely different place emotionally at the end of the weekend, compared to where i was at the beginning.

the past 3 days have felt years long.

of course, being 23, i figure i should have more stability in my life. i should just forget this notion and roll with it. friday involved beautiful scenery and one of my best friends and his guitar. there are moments i call "charm bracelet moments" that i emblazon into my head that are somehow transcendent of space and time. friday was one. it was sad, painful, pretty, isolating yet beautiful and everything i expect because i live in a wes anderson movie. the rest of the weekend was dedicated mostly to music with the band. or drinking alone. mostly music though.

sometimes, i get overwhelmed with this whole band thing. i love my bandmates. i love our music. i love how everything just flows together. we're in the process of recording our EP in the most "do it yourself" fashion. macbook, mics macguyvered to mic stands, and praying the phone doesn't ring during a take. it's been easier than i was expecting and the finished results are better than i could have imagined.

i can't wait to play shows, promote our stuff and just enjoy what we've created together.

vancouver trip is coming up. i think.
i wish that i could be closer. i just want to give him the biggest hug in the history of mankind.

life is constantly bittersweet. nothing more nothing less.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

drive well, sleep carefully.

contortions and loss of blood flow.
i kind of like that. folded up like a suitcase, shallow breath and sleepless nights.

i love the feeling of sand between my toes. the scratches, the wetness and abrasive erratics. i like being a vistor. i like feeling someone's skin on mine.

i like waking up after a restful night and feeling the weight of gravity so intensely it keeps me in bed well after my alarm. i like debating things in class, i like having an opinion.

i like the warm weather but even moreso, i like how i'm conditioned to it so i can still wear tights with my dresses.

i like planning things secretly and having something to look forward to.

i have 2 days till recording. i'm slacking off because my head is in the clouds.
i'm not ready to come down yet.

not yet.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

and i want to walk around with you

the last grain of sand has been cleaned out of the suitcase, brushed off the desk and finally.... vacuumed out of my rug.
my soap is back in the bathroom, my lotion in it's original over 100ml container.
my clothes are washed, wiped and put away. overly lacking in residual campfire smell.

my middle class, conservative shame is back. my activities that i praised myself in have been condemned and mocked and i guess that's alright. it was expected.
i still can't get used to the lack of color here, or the trees that are missing from my peripheral vision. and for some strange reason, i got motion sickness on the LRT this morning.

i feel like a foot in a shoe too small here, but i guess in a week i'll be back to the same shit as before... just with more holes in my chest.

as aware as i am about the difference between holiday and permanent stay, i honestly think that i am a better person in vancouver. it's ridiculous to say this when i have no honest reason to think this. my blatant substance abuse and frivolity with things like hygiene, sleep, sleep, eating regularly, eating healthily and sleeping prove that i really probably am not that much better there than here... however my state of mind is different. i miss the lifestyle, even if it is nothing more than an ideal. i know i can't cavort till all hours of the night, full of booze. or sleep on a beach. but i feel so much better with that ocean beside me.

i'm tired of being someone i'm not to appease people around me.
i just want to read some bukowski on the beach.