Friday, December 28, 2007

The internet cripples my productivity.

So, my computer is out of service, I rely on the upstairs computer for my daily updates of scrabulous and people not contacting me... but that's ok.

Since the great crash of '07, I have done a lot of productive things. Mostly spend money and mess up my room, but I have started tackling some of the stacks and stacks of paper laying around waiting for me to organize them. I feel lighter.

I've also done a lot of thinking. Mostly about the state of my life and about myself as a person... I think I'm going to go back into counseling. Mostly just because of the underlying problems regarding relationships and sex... I still am absolutely terrified of being close to someone, or having them touch me. Not to mention I think my mental capacity regarding relationships is that of a 13 year old. I really don't want to be that person who is completely fucked up because something bad happened to them 17 years ago and now they have no ability to love or feel. That's just not cool with me.

I wouldn't mind getting some external love, (external in the sense that it's not coming from my family) I just need to stop being such an idiot-baby-face about it when it happens. I chase off good ones by doing that.

In other news, I am scared of the telephone. So if you get an abnormal amount of text messages while my computer is in limbo, it's just because I feel awkward calling people.

I have been reading lots too. I can't believe it took me so long to realize how amazing Coupland is. I'm going to buy every single one of his books. 2 down, lots to go.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

They say money can't buy happiness...

They've obviously never been a loner who hangs out in her room all the time. Because I have been, and currently am. And I've been bought over.

I was bad. Very bad. I spent money I don't have on an 80 gig ipod that I really didn't need. But man, I can put ANYTHING on there. Since I can put the majority of my hard drive on my ipod, I am going to reformat my computer tonight. I am also thinking of getting rid of all my sims downloads and starting new with my DL folder. New year, nothing but time today and tomorrow, why the hell not?

I've already cleared out my room. It feels empty in here. Today is cleaning out the closet day. Seriously, I'm obsessed with this idea of self improvement.

I feel pretty because I am pretty. I am working out (I have to do 20 hours to justify the ipod.... so over the next month, I have to do an hour almost daily.) and will ATTEMPT to eat (eat better). I don't know why I want people to see me as a broken soul. I may be horribly disturbed and ridiculously dramatic, but I'm not broken.

I am going to be better, not just for other people, but for myself. I'm tired of breaking down and being exhausted just trying to be normal. Whatever, it's too hard unless I'm doing it for myself. So bear with me while I figure it out.

P.S. Christmas was wonderful despite. I cried then laughed hysterically at stripper matches. My family is tops.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Lack of Color.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.
But I'll be saying a prayer regardless. I know you can hear me and I hope in some way you are there with us tomorrow.
After all, you were the one who kept us all together, and without you, we just might kill each other.

I've got my side picked out just in case, she better keep her fat mouth shut.
And if I cry, it's only because I love you so much. It's been a long year, not an easy one. But I will always love you. Tell everyone I say hi when you sit down to eat and tell Gege that the kids are too big to be jumping on pillows in the middle of the tv room floor now.

Take care.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Keep Breathing.

1:45 am:

drink, drank, drunk
hardlines, softlines edged lines and blurry lines.
card games for hours, laughing to cover the feeling of sickness.
2 days to the hardest days and the hardest days forever.

i'm sick of a lot of things. christmas is not good this year. i'm heartbroken and drunk and stammering about how things were so much simpler when i was 6 and able to fit into anyones arms.
now i am too fat and too awkward to even hold someone's hand.

the stereo tells me that all i can do is keep breathing but i want so badly to just sleep forever and ever and ever under the softness of my blankets and the safety of my dreams.

the people i love more than anything are the people i need to lose. they make me feel worse. they make me feel guilty because i have so much anger in the holes of my heart that will never heal.

let it be known on the record that breakdown number two happened days before i knew it. the aftershocks are just ripping me apart now.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I've got a number on me

I've been spending the last day considering the possibility that I am now completely inept at being a functional human being. This year was a testament to my ability to chameleon myself into a different kind of person who spends more time trying to build walls to hide herself, then allows herself to enjoy what may or may not be right in front of her. The fact that I may have been successful at doing this really worries me.

This year really was one of the hardest years of my life. With various personal problems, various relationships that took so much out of me in more ways than I could have imagined and the death of one of the most influential and amazing women that I ever had the honour of being family members with, I find myself emotionally exhausted.

How do you keep all that from poisoning great things that are in front of you? It's not that I haven't been happy lately, I feel balanced and relatively good. But what if that's not how I really feel and it's some sort of facade that just lets me feel content? Maybe I'm not as adjusted as I thought I was. I'm hiding something. I finally realized that there is something inside of me I don't want anyone to see. However, with this knowledge, now comes the question of "what is it that I am so hell-bent on hiding?".

I just want to stay in bed today. I don't feel so strong at the moment.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Is there such a thing as talking too much?

I think so, especially when you never shut up and eventually your throat feels like it's being ravaged by sandpaper. Reminder: fluids when enjoying conversation for a million hours.

Good Talk.

I feel good. For more reasons than I care to share. I am almost done school and have no inclination to study for WSTU on Monday, however due to the fact that I am incapable of sleeping, EVER, I will put myself to sleep by reading some lame reading reminding me how much I love arguing about things for no reason.

Today was a good day. I had charming company for most of it, and came home to find 23 women in the basement. My basement. My domain was infiltrated for much of the evening leaving me no choice but to be held up against my will in my room. When I did venture out, there was much difficulty getting to the stairs, from my room. However, people liked my dessert. ++Ego.

I work tomorrow. I don't want to. Tin Tin party in T-3 days. Pool/Draft in T-4 days. Christmas Party in T-5 days. Monday morning cannot be over soon enough.

I'm ready for some XMAS BREAK.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


For some reason, the city looked very pretty on the way home tonight.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Tis the season to be an asshole.

I had an interesting experience today.

Like most days, battling incompetent and oblivious shoppers at large chain supermarkets is a battle. Today however, as we near the be-all, end-all of the consumerist mecca of days, was a little bit different.

I had to go to Stupidstore because I refused to tackle Wal*Mart and I sure as hell wasn't going to waste a perfect day studying (not yet anyways). It was for trivial things, a bit of hairdye, maybe a new shirt, some chapstick which I ended up forgetting anyways and some razors. It was not a big day, nor was I planning on being there for longer than half an hour. As I should have expected, it was pretty busy and with "pretty busy" days, there were a lot of stupid people wandering around.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have a strategic system of wandering. First the clothes (because I lufff them), then the personal beauty section etc, then pharmacy, then home things, then juice isle. Unlike me, unfortunately, a lot of people just aimlessly wander, staring at their lists or yelling at their children or just being plain ambiguous.

And if you know me, you'd know the one thing I can't stand is ambiguous shoppers. That is when the words "get the hell out of my way" start revolving around in my head and just to the tip of my lips.

I had managed to avoid most of these people until the time came to purchase my slag. Of course, tills were packed and inconsiderate people were everywhere. You know the type, carts way out into the main walking isle, people bickering with cashiers about prices (which I do NOT miss at all, btw)...

However, this time I didn't have a problem with anything. It was the guy standing behind me in express that made me think "what the hell is wrong with our society?" He was doing lunges.

Not full out lunging with the knee perpendicular to the ankle, but like, stretch lunges. Right. Behind. Me. I felt oddly uncomfortable as he was placing himself too close anyways, let alone while he continued his exercises... but watching him out of the corner of my eye, I was bewildered.

He was dressed in such a way to let on that he may or may not be a Nordic ski champion and he reminded me of a character from High school that a guy used to copy. This stressed me out. I don't know why but I had all these ideas of what socially acceptable behavior was and this certainly wasn't part of my running list.

Then to my left, was an old woman who was passively agressively starting a fight with the cashier who was trying to explain to her that the price on all of her reduced to clear merchandise came up on the till.

"Yes, it's 50% off"
"Well, someone should put that on the carton"
"It was regularly $0.94, it's 50% of that"
"Well I know that, but it used to be better because we used to know what we were paying for"

Oh my god. It's times like this I am so glad that I don't work in really busy stores. The infamous "Zellers Christmas of Absolute Hell" will forever remind me why I hate people around this time of year.

Don't get me wrong, I still have regular people who remind me I am not quite out of the retail vortex yet, calling the late list and having people bitch at me for things that are completely out of my control keep my ego in check.

But I feel sorry for SuperStore cashiers. Godspeed, you mighty warriors, and I appologize for the abundance of idiots that consider themselves human beings.

Thursday, December 6, 2007


I was up at 7:00am this morning.
It was my first day to intentionally sleep in in 2 weeks, and I was up at 7. I don't get my body.

Since then, I have
  • Emptied and loaded the dishwasher, complete with a cleaning cycle in there somewhere.
  • Finished all my laundry and put all my clothes away, except for bedspreads. I have to pace myself for that.
  • Stretched for like, 45 minutes in bed. Cat stretches own.
  • Thought about making tea, then remembered I am in mourning for my tea press which is somewhere at school. I decided drinking tea right now would be too painful.
  • Played Assassin's Creed for about 2.5 hours.
The nice lady from the optical place was all like "hay ur contakts r redy sew cum in whenvr u kan 2 get dem". I was pretty excited about that. It only took 2 days. I can finally toss the monthly pair I have been wearing for 3.

I was thinking of hitting up dollarama today. I owe Tom money and I have a secret santa gift to buy for work as well... However, I'm cold. And in my pjs. And my clothes that I wear constantly are wet from laundry. And I really don't know how I'm going to get to Katrina's tonight. Or home for that matter. Justin hasn't called and I haven't bothered to start paper or start studying.

So I should really get up and at 'em if i ever want to have time to do something before the party tonight. uhggggggggggggggg

Monday, December 3, 2007

oh drama 259, you kill me.

The fact that I chose such a personal topic should be enough for you.
But no, you demand a write up answering 7 very personal questions that further interrogate the deep dark confines of my mind. It's hard enough for me to think about this kind of stuff, but making me write it down coherently so it can be read by non-Sarah minded folk (which by the way, is everyone but me) is incredibly stressful.

Also, I'm tired of having to print up all of my assignments. So I'm sorry Stefan, but you are getting some old school notepaper and pen styled assignments.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

that's it. fuck you medications, vaccinations, everything.

As it stands, I seem to be in a very weird place right now. So deal with it.

I'm having an incredibly difficult time breathing. I tried the inhaler, thinking it was my asthma or something. I can't take any more... and I still can't catch my breath... anyone who knows me or has worked with me when I first started getting asthma attacks knows that if I can't catch that breath, the way I need to to feel like I am breathing, I start panicking.

It's 2 in the morning. I don't want to wake anyone up... and I'm panicking. Self therapy... um. yea. this isn't working.

Besides the fact that I self diagnose and am a notorious hypochondriac, I am off my meds. Not intentionally, trust me, I wouldn't be so dumb... It's winter, I'm busy, doctors scare me... so naturally if I run out of ADs shit happens. Well it's been 4 days and I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Do I really need them this much? I find it hard to believe that after missing one stupid little pill a few times, my whole life is falling apart. It can't honestly be that important... It has to be psychological. Right? I am not that chemically dependent, right?

Meanwhile, attempting to curb the plague of worry, the vaccination couldn't have possibly made me this ill, could it have? I've been wandering around in a daze since Friday morning trying to have enough strength to keep my balance, nevermind anything else. I can't eat. I haven't eaten more than 2 meals since Thursday and water feels metallic and forigen in my mouth. Symptom 1. Loss of appetite. (Oh you idiot, Sarah, seriously. Shut up. You know you worry) "You can't say hi? Why do you have to mope around all the time" (Mom, seriously, I am going to snap) I'm starting to have a hard time swallowing. Symptom 2. And this hard time makes me feel like I can't breathe and when I feel like I can't breathe, I start panicking and I'm panicking just thinking about panicking...

UGH. seriously. I hate my body for doing this to me. I hate my brain for provoking my body to do this to me. I work in 7 hours and I can barely stop crying long enough to breathe properly.

Something makes me feel like if I don't end up back in the hospital before Christmas, it will be a miracle.

My neck hurts. My stomache feels like it's full of battery acid. My lungs hurt and there's not a god damned thing I can do about it. My head is full of worry, stress, finals, papers, projects, definitions and now fear about being able to just co-exist. It's cold. I feel trapped in the clothes I wear to keep warm. I miss the Ocean. I miss the calm feeling off the waves hitting my toes. I hate Edmonton... I hate Alberta. I hate winter and the coldness and how it makes me a complete psychopath. I hate that medication that is supposed to make me better makes me worse. I hate how lack of said medication makes me crazy.

And I'll hate myself for writing all this here in the morning.

Remember when I got like this? You'd lay me down, lay down behind me and put your arms around me. Eventually I'd start feeling your heartbeat... mine would copy yours, I'd start breathing again, my heart would slow down and I'd feel ok. I could start the process of falling asleep and ignore the ringing in my ears and the pain in my chest and I'd be ok.

It doesn't seem like much, but before I knew what was even wrong with me, I had a way to fix it. It's just too bad that I can't do it myself.