Wednesday, December 31, 2008

i loved as hard as i could

as i write this, i am off of a shift at work, after a day of a semi new haircut and illness.
i feel foreign in my skin when i think of everything that happened over the past year. i also feel that it is kind of important for me to summarize one of the most life changing years of my life, so bear with me.

january. a month of pills and misery. strep throat, twice. chest infections, pinkeye (what am i, 7? who gets pinkeye when they are 21?). bitterly cold days and sleepless nights. with sleepless nights comes over analyzing and that took its toll. i don't think i'll ever not dream of leaving. i missed you, and him oddly enough. i don't think i'll ever not dream of what could have been either.

february. summarized by loneliness, maybe. it's funny how whenever he's in my life my mood and hopes and dreams changes. he's a black hole and my whole centre of gravity shifts. odd. this month also marked the decision to stop taking my meds. i feel like my days of anti depressants are years away as well. it's odd to remember being on them so little time ago. but one drug was substituted for another.
i missed that summer, i missed being around you. i missed feeling needed, i missed everything that came with having a crush that went a little too far one year where it all came together. i hope you are well.

march. LUNAR LANDING DOCUMENTARIES. ROVING MARSSS. i wanted you to break your own rule so hard. theatre history. i couldn't keep up. leveling out never felt so ok... not ok. good. i felt good. i wanted to be touched. i needed to be loved, but by no one else. the realization that sigur ros is what being in a womb sounds like. fetal positions. fear of suits and griefcases.

april. missing puzzle pieces, waiting for grass. BLONDE. i don't want to be bitter or cynical. i care too much. i still wanted you and needed an imaginary friend. "it's pretty much the same. the vibration just replaces love and intimacy". equating the rush of exercise to sex never looked better on me. acceptance yielded a new relationship, the task of liking someone took much of my time.

may. the division between pleasure and necessity. allowing oneself to feel and beginning to sleep. allergies. allergies. allergies. fantasies about library sex, rutherford you hound. impending birthdays and eating the marshmallows last. feeling like i'm good with someone, like i almost fit. the red dress. THE HIVES (you blew my mind). nonstop dreaming of the pacific. the contact of skin on skin and that unhibited afterglow.

june. the end of rebelling against what i thought was the enemy. the acceptance of tanning. the beginning of a goal and the need for a passport. full blown simmiing- complete with facebook album. yet another pre-life crisis involving the idea of leaving. sometimes i don't know how i get through the day without jumping in a boxcar, thanks jack kerouac. VW camping and sunshine on my face and the impending feeling that i don't think this is what we wanted. bike freedom and cemetery thinking. i tried that night. i hope you know that.

july. fireworks in the park with you by my side. hot weather and barefoot and fancy free. countdowns to westward travels. nelson: freedom, mountains, hippies, the sense that I BELONG HERE I DO I DO, looking at the water with my eyes half shut, pretending it was the ocean. handwriting in the sand, seashorses, embrace this life you will live soon. i missed you, you know. i thought often of what you were doing while i was gone and wished i could be apart of it. i don't want to grow up.

august. i wanted to be better. a lot better. i knew then i couldn't love you but i held on because maybe i could change that. i liked you more when you cared and laughed with my family. RED! countdown to vancouver never felt so good. wandering around with jordan in the city i fell in love with, dead crabs and barnacles and being rejected by the one who shouldn't be rejecting me. i knew then that it was over. katydids. refusing to be the goodie bag at your pity party and enjoying the company of friends.

september. it's over. chemical reactions:hysterical and useless. school starts, i dedicate myself to trying for once. musicians club, gateway, makes new friends with people who are still heavily involved in her life. film crew. happiness and freedom with a suspicion she still can't shake. learning that it's easier to get over someone when you are so fucking angry at them. running into friends at random and catching up with people i thought i'd lost. river valley wandering with dirty jeans and ruined shoes. good bye jeffrey, apparently. auditions = success. musicactingmusicactingmusicacting and coconut black tea by myself.

october. cough syrup and kerouac. nuclear, stagnant water by cameron smelling like the ocean. restless and looking west. coffee date and intense fantasy. i'd have sold my skin for you. rehearsals and lack of sleep and lack of confidence and lack of sleep and lack of time and lack of sleep and lack of love and lack of sleep. rehearsals.

november. stress doesn't do your laundry for you. 14 hours X 6 days, stress. school stress. acting, rehearsals, tech week, tech run, cue to cues, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN? bets? 1? 10? 35? cute. so cute. fantasy, lusting, cute cute cute. conversations, questions, hidden motives and prospects. "do you think so? i don't know... do you REALLY think so?" blush. acting, fucking them if they can't take a joke. i love this place. i love this stage. those stairs are dangerous. my life is this theatre. my life is these people. i'll miss this. i missed it. i kissed it. i drank it, i felt it, i expelled it and i mourned it. and it feels like it happened a year ago. stress in catching up and constantly falling behind. BROWNish.

december. icantfocusicantfocusicantfocus and everything fell apart. C'S GET DEGREES. SEES GET DEGREES. SEAS GET DEGREES and c's did get a degree. i missed her. i still fucking miss her. it never gets easier at christmas does it? bachelor machines and hating winnepeg full of wishful thinking and realizing i am a broken soul with good intentions and fear in my eyes. i missed you, but we made your favorite! maybe it's not about where you are but who you're with. remember that next time it hurts when that street no longer feels like a place you belong. reunions and reunited feelings for the one who i can't touch.

thank you to my friends and family. i love you so much even if i never say it. you keep me sane and happy and for that, i owe you infinitely.

and the slate is wiped clean.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

this is where you place a melody.

i spent half an hour on christmas eve, formulating some blog worthy opinion, some sort of enlightening piece of non-fiction to tantalize the minds of random people who accidentally stumble on to this space of mine on the internet. something intelligent. something honest. something true in both emotions and nature. something important.

but then i thought about it instead. and felt what i felt.
and now i have no need to write about anything here.

i hope christmas was magical and enlightening and full of emotion and nature and honesty and truth and intelligence.

mine was.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

the guess who sucked, the jets were lousy anyway

the similarities between these two machines resides first in the fact that they both operate as closed circuits and second as the action of one zone upon another. in both of these machines a message from the upper zone is inscribed upon the lower one. the fact that one is about sex while the other is about death underscores the importance of the modern myth of the bachelor machine, a sort of new technological version of the mirror of narcissus, in which is played out the interferences of machinism, of terror, of eroticism, and of religion or anti-religion. the myth of the bachelor machine is a kind of double articulation of difference: sexual difference and machinic difference.

i don't feel like running, i need a massage, i feel wonderful even though my cheeks have a mind of their own, peppermint ice cream is great, my bed isn't big enough for the one of me, callouses come back!, sleep perchance to dream?, don't ruin this, she never knew the rules, the wind is pushing me elsewhere, metal spoons and dreams of doom, 3xx23x, freedom, i did it to myself, let's enjoy our last evening together before we all go different ways, i'm so glad i have you guys.

i'm going through my "in love with love and lousy poetry" phase again. it's the blurring of the streetlights while the world blows away that does it.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

the kids don't know shit

i miss her a lot lately. i think it's christmas. i always miss her during holidays.
with the house being sold and christmas being different on a massive scale (the first year in my life the routine has changed), i feel further from her than ever. it makes me worry about silly, yet important things. like forgetting her voice. her laugh is already far away from me and i feel incredibly sad about things like this.

things like morality and deadlines make me feel a little sick. in 2 years, i will be living in a city far away from my family. i laid in bed thinking about this yesterday. i won't be there for birthdays. i won't be there for anniversaries, unless they are really important. i won't be there for coffee, i won't be there for random drop ins, movie nights, coffee dates, library book sales, random growth spurts, announcements, disappointments, report cards, dream updates.

30 years down the road, will i be angry with myself for moving away and missing years that i could have spent being apart of everything? will i be mad that i didn't relish time i had with people i loved while they were alive? will i feel guilty for not spending time with my parents when they die?

on the other hand, will i be happy that i took the easy way out and stayed in a place i don't feel i belong in just because it's easier than creating my own path in this world?

i feel like i'm at a very important crossroad in my life, even though i am not going anywhere. and it freaks me out. it makes me feel like i can't do anything, be anyone or see anything without a tread of guilt hitting me where it hurts most.

over the past 2 weeks, with school kicking my ass, i have come to one conclusion. i am not a thinker. i am incapable of writing coherent arguments, i will always coast through school with a b- at best. i do not work well intellectually, argumentatively. i am a feeler, i always was and always will be. i am the person that cries to song lyrics on the bus, weeps at movies and commercials and empathizes with people. so how does one person who is so inclined to feel everything live their lives without guilt, fear or this impending feeling of heartache?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


swimming ocean stararms starfields starfox galaxies toes icepick slipnslides warisoverifyouwantit nothingness empty fillerup headaches medicationyoudontneed holdingtightforthekids gravity inertia lackofmotivation shrivledheart ineedsomekaraoke capprealtuneulsyndrome rainedbows pun discrete infinite lackofmotivation radioheaddoesitbetter finger goodtimeband musicthatwontquit orgasmicpain dizzyyet? we didnt know this was what you wanted/ whendiditgowrong whendidistopcaring whereismylifeheaded whenwillthissemesterbeover willigetacallback/no willyouwanttojoinmeforcoffee?

microsoft wordcount.