Friday, May 30, 2008

a jigsaw falling into place.

winds from the west are winds of change.
it's blustery outside, but when i licked my finger and held it up the sky, i sighed and looked eastward. maybe next week.

i'm living in twilight, the silhouettes of things i see are so much more mysterious and beautiful when they are hollowed out and dark as night. i'm not painting them black, i'm enjoying the silence.

i will be able to breathe deeper and stand wider than i can here. i can't dip my toes in an ocean but i can stand tall. i'm thinking of planning a solo trip west this summer. for a few days. just enough to buy some lemon grass and throw some stones into false creek.

we can't get what we want all the time, but sometimes what we want is exactly what we need.

come on let it out

Sunday, May 25, 2008


i think i can safely say that the hives put on the best show out of every band i have seen live.

so yesterday was the epic day at the mall. or the maul, as i affectionately refer to it.
i don't understand how people can be there on a saturday out of want. "oh hey, it's saturday at the biggest mall in ... canada? (i don't know what it is now), lets go spend the whole day with hundreds of people who don't know how to walk or get the fuck out of the way of other people!"

i accomplished my missions though, then had bubble tea waiting for duncan.

we sat outside for a decent spot in line and were just talking for a while when this dude walks by. my first thought was "what a hipster" but i kept staring at him. on his way back, duncan and i both heard him and were like "OOOOHHHHHHH", turns out Pelle Almqvist was just going for a leisurely stroll. we then sat there for approximately 2 minutes wondering if we should go up and get a picture.

We didn't.

the show itself was mind blowing. i don't care what anyone else says, he totally pointed to me.
pelle is such a diva, it's amazing. i was blown away by their energy, drama and absolutely amazing stage presence. the 15 year old inside of me that had fallen in love with this band was incredibly satisfied. giddy up!

Monday, May 19, 2008

kiss me now that i'm older

peachy keen, sunscreen.
life mirrors the sky for the first time in a long time.

i'm pretty ok with being here as i am and not as i want to be. i've struck a balance between planning, hoping and dreading. it's not as hard to stop thinking as i thought it was.... dammit!

i'm so glad i can enhance your living room and be part of the landscape plan for at least a little while.
i have my fingers crossed.

happy birthday on a day where i don't feel any older, but i sure feel better about where i am.

Monday, May 12, 2008


i'm glad i met you when i did.
i think if it had been any other time, i would have ruined everything.

neither pity nor fear. jesus christ, it took a long time for that muscle to heal.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

you look so defeated in your new twin sized bed.

i will be 22 in 9 days and i still get scared of worms on the sidewalk.
i still kind of wish that i could cut those pesky crusts off of my peanut butter and jam sandwich.
i still get absolutely paranoid that people don't like me and that they talk about me constantly.
i still feel my insides crunch up sweetly and tightly when someone kisses me on the cheek.
i will never not like the backstreet boys.
i will always eat around the marshmallows and save them for last when i have a bowl of lucky charms
i still eat lucky charms.
i still get yelled at by my mother for not paying attention.
i still have trouble paying attention.
i pout. a lot.
i feel as if i'm "not doing it right" when it comes to growing up.

but i can't be the only one, right?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

enemies abount, shut up!

sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep.
my face is rosy and smooth as silk. these things only happen when no one's looking.
the night is a waste of time when my skin feel soft and my hair is wonderful. my pillow will ruin all the glory before i get up to face the world again for the 8001.5th time.

i discovered today why so many people think the library is a prime place for fucking. i'd expell all my energy trying to keep quiet. it was like a graveyard and i felt perfectly content rummaging through HV 2474 by myself thinking of how ironic and unsanitary it would be to defile a place of peace with an act of war and violence. i'm sorry, but it just seems like a yeast infection waiting to happen.

i guess i'm not good at this spontaneous and intimate thing anymore. that happens when time kills the once romantic inside. has it really been this long? maybe that is why i'm a total dolt and imbecile. either way, i've had lots to smile awkwardly about lately.

if it looks like i'm crying, blame the trees. they are late this year like everything else worth waiting for. i'm crossing my fingers for something. i just hope i know to be thankful when it comes. i think i'm even learning to be quiet. I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

its not fun. don't do it.

i had a new idea for "mix cds".
i started writing some new songs.
have attempted sleeping at normal, homosapien-esque intervals.
and don't remember the last time i took my medication. (i haven't even been feeling terrible because of it)

i started feeling normal again a few weeks ago, like, human even. not some morose mirage of a human who stumbles through life expecting the unexpectable. it's actually a beautiful feeling, knowing that who you are isn't dependant on who you're with. even more beautiful when you know what you are feeling is because you are experiencing it first hand.

and maybe now that i'm allowing myself to feel again... the good and the bad, that's the reason why i'm having so many ideas for mix cds, writing new songs and sleeping at normal homosapien-esque intervals.

the more i go on being who i am and living the life that i lead, i realize that there are no set answers to questions i have and that it's ok. i just need more time. we all do.