Thursday, November 29, 2007

My house smells like Pumpkins.

Today I feel 1000lbs lighter. My last major project of the semester was handed in this morning, which leaves me feeling weightless and almost bored. The anxiety and dread of actually completing the work is no longer taunting me. I feel calm.

It's that ability to really do whatever you want. I had time to play tetris on the toilet (bathrooms really are the sanctity of all that is peaceful and holy.), play some Assassin's Creed on the xbox, lay in bed before my work meeting and here I am again, with my laptop in various areas of my house, chillin like a villain.

I spent an hour and a half in line for my mumps vaccination this afternoon. Luckily I had wonderful company to make the process a little less painful. I found someone as passionate about scrabble as I am, which is great. The needle itself hurt, though. Jesus.

I still feel wobbly and my cheeks are so flushed that I look like a million times more adorable than usual. I wish they did this naturally.

I think I'm going to waste a good 3 hours renovating my house on the sims. Why not, I have time.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I like creative projects.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I can't wait to be finished the rest of this. Then I can focus on drama finals.
I'm close to the end of the semester... Ugh......

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I've felt as if I needed a bit of time for my absolute digression into sickly unhealthy choices. The benefit of this is that I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I haven't eaten healthy for a month now, I haven't had a full, balanced meal in longer and I also have not been drinking enough fluids.

This weird form of self-torture has done exactly what I wanted it to do, however. Made me want to get better. Over the next few months, I intend to bring about some minor and major changes to my life and myself. These are attainable, they are also challenging and I will need support.

  1. No more coffee: Studies show that green tea is an obviously healthier choice. Not only do I believe the studies, I believe myself. Over the past week, due to a fortunate turn of events at Save On, my tea was in. Green Tea with pomegranate peel. Due to me loving this tea, it is all I have been drinking. I have noticed that my skin is clearer, my tummy isn't as bloated and I feel more relaxed. It still has caffeine in it, which makes it ok for mornings, but with the less amount of caffeine, not to mention calories, I feel a lot better. I am saving myself empty calories from milk and sugar associated with my coffees, and increasing my antioxidants. So hurrah.
  2. More vegetables: Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate vegetables. This one will be a challenge. I attempt to overcome this challenge by learning how to cook. I have recipe books on hold at the library that will help me learn vegetarian cooking, most of these are Thai/Chinese cook books, which is great. Not only will I become more familiar with different kinds of vegetables, I will be increasing protein and iron, which is important for me. Plus, learning how to cook is something I actually want to do, so don't laugh when you hear me talk about it.
  3. Less processed foods: I want to eat more fresh and actual food. No more cheese whiz, packaged soup, sodium rich easy food, canned food... After thinking about it, grilled cheese with real cheese is so much better. It may be higher in fat, but what do they even put in cheese whiz to make it last a year? Come on, there has to be a benefit to this plan.
  4. Normal sleeping patterns: Lately I've been sleeping for 10 hours during the day, awake all night and then exhausted during the morning. My sleep is way off and I need to normalize it. This will be easier when combined with the next goal:
  5. NORMAL EXERCISE: I am thinking of enrolling in a dance class, belly dancing or african dance. This will force me to get active without keeping me on the elliptical all the time. Plus it would be a social experience where I could meet people and have some fun.
I don't think these will be difficult if I keep to it. The hardest thing will be to cherish and even LIKE vegetables. euch. I just know that if I keep up this way, I will be a very lonely and pathetic 21 year old woman who keeps to herself because she is allowing herself to be unhappy.

I've been too secluded, and happy in my isolation and I'm starting to worry that it's going to become a lifestyle. So please support me in trying to change this.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Welcome winter,

It's been incredibly windy over the past couple days. Although I haven't left my house for much, if any of it, I've been freezing, bundled and in bed.

I think I'm going to go back to Victoria or Sidney next summer. I have family who said that I can stay whenever I wanted to, it's beautiful and it's a lot cheaper the second time, when you don't have to do all the toursity things all over again. Of course, I will go to the museum again, who wouldn't. I probably would end up going back to Vancouver for a few days again. Hostel life was pretty neat. I'd make a point of trying new food and writing, swimming, meeting people, going out and being 22.

The more I think about it, the better it sounds. I'd even Greyhound it again. But in reality, I think I'd suck it up and fly. Nothing makes me feel better, in frigid Alberta, than dreaming of the next time I get to stand in the Ocean.

Or the day when I live so close, I can smell it on my clothes.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


I had a hunch. I still have a hunch, but I'm starting to think I am actually correct about something.
Weird. Seriously weird.

I honestly don't know what to do about this. I don't want to lose what is there, but something inside of me really likes it. However, if I have to think this long and hard and still don't know or understand what to do about it, it probably isn't a correct thing to do then, right?

I know this is confusing and misguided and I really wish I could talk to someone about this, but it's just.... too weird. And confusing and I really don't know what to think. It's tough business having a heart.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition!

The past couple days have been great, considering I've been feeling like dogshit for the majority of the last month. I woke up yesterday and felt like a good day was coming. I was right.

Today was very much the greatest day. Classes went good. By good, I mean... we talked. A lot. Not a lot by normal people standards, but girl with a crush standards. The other part that made my day, was I made him laugh. With a randomly, well timed Monty Python reference. WHIIIIICHHHH means, he likes the 'thon. That's great news.

I had my meeting with my drama prof that gave me a D. It went really well. I explained circumstances beyond my control and we had a great chat that ended up in me crying (as usual) and getting a hug, which i basically what I needed for the past 2 weeks but never got. I feel more relaxed because I finally got to talk about things. I really shouldn't be so secretive.

I saw a play last night and am now bumming around till 6 where I will buy tickets to see another play tonight. I wasted time by going to west ed. I found a dress for 3 dollars. Srsly. Then went to T&T for lunch and bubble milk. I also bought coconut milk so I can make rice. I'm going to master the art of coconut rice if it kills me. I also found a laptop case for 10 bucks at Urban. I love sales.

I'm thinking of taking a nap before the play. Maybe I'll head to SUB and sleep on a couch somewhere for a bit. Tomorrow is Padmanadi Buffet Day and I'm applying for a credit card and buying a kettle.

GADD time!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Is it something we gotta get used to?

hot tempered and irrational.
it's so god damned beautiful when it's quiet outside.
hello snow, i never missed you till now.
you're barely falling and i like it that way.
naturally the west coast has space for me. i could live this way forever.

i'll be on my own, but i won't be alone.
i could give up puzzle pieces of myself only because they don't fit anymore.
or because i just want to feel something other than empty.

this is when things get ugly. when i stop caring and stop feeling normal things.
this is when it's easy to find quick fixes that fix nothing at all.

maybe everyone is right. maybe the hand that has been reaching out for me ever since our whole mess started is the hand that fits.

i think i should hold it.