yea, but then... wait, no... yes? ok. no. sorry, what??

I'm stuck inside my head. Like a proton trying to find something to pair up to. All day I've had so many thoughts, feelings, comparisons and insights floating around in my head that it gave me such a headache.

Walking home from work was this monumental and difficult task. Gravity stopped momentarily to allow me to feel like I was utterly weightless, yet cemented to the ground.

I could feel rocks, cracks and miscellaneous objects through my shoes and my ankles felt like they were made of lead.

Yet my head was so disconnected from my body. My mind filled with song lyrics I should have written down, ideas I shouldn't have tossed aside. If science is so advanced, why can't they implant a microchip to allow me to record my thoughts and have them transcribed to paper?

I'm never going to be an artist. I'm never going to make money singing. I'm never going to learn how to play guitar properly. I'm never going to sustain life doing what I love. I'm never going to feel loved like I did 3 years ago. I'm never going to win a game of monopoly. I'm never going to be able to afford to vanish after 6 months in a foreign city. I'm never going to read War and Peace.

Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard to be something I'm not, or if I am completely myself, it's just other people who don't like me.

dumb girls are the easiest to fool.

Today was weird. (Or yesterday, I guess. Whatever)
I spent the day wasting time waiting for one moment to another. Was displaced on the train due to some unforeseen emergency at the University station. Just a piece of advice. If you are ever faced with the decision of LRT contingency buses or walking across the river from Grandin to the U of A, fucking walk.
Someone better have been all dramatic and jumped. Not that I wish mean, emotional distress on anyone or anything... It's just that this morning really screwed up my schedule and caused me unnecessary stress. We all know how incredibly selfish I am, so there better have been a good reason I had such a difficult time getting to school.

In other news, that isn't of my asshole personality, I successfully achieved the task of getting a part in SOMETHING this semester. It's a minor role, but I get a costume and face paint and a movement based role. We all know how much I love movement based roles. This is basically a pretty good deal for me. For anyone who actually reads this and gives a shit, keep the 19th/20th off in October. I'm really swinging for the 19th, so cross your fingers. These are performance dates by the way. Come see me act, because lord knows I may never get another chance to showcase my awesome fairy skills.

After rehearsal, I was graced with an opportunity to see Jeffrey for a while. That was nice. It's lame but I miss him when I don't see him often. I'm so gay. Anyways, it was still nice. Moments like that make me wish I can bend the space and time continuum/freeze time. I'm too busy lately.

After my encounter with Jeffrey, I went on a mission to get to Mike's place. It didn't take long and as soon as I got there, we were on another mission to the West End. It was good times, he's ridiculous and I love him. The apartment get together was good times as well. I hung out with a bunch of friends, we talked, chatted and I met Dean's girlfriend. Which is weird. She's a really nice girl and I like her, but he's always been the lonewolf balla type to me. It's cute to watch them together though.

I went out, did a little bit of drinking, not much, not last time drinking where I started thinking about the state of my life... but just a little. I apparently don't stick to my guns much. Anyways, I found myself looking out for the Australian, which was so stupid and idiotic. It's not like I give a shit. I met some new people who were cool. Admitted to a girl that I stalked her on facebook... generally had a decent time until this bitch stepped on my foot with heels on. I can't put all my weight on my left foot. Hopefully it's not serious. The only person allowed to break my toes is me.

Anyways, I figure I'm getting old because I wanted to be in bed so early tonight... but because I'm cheap I waited till Amanda left because we live sort of close and we can cab it together. That leads me to here. I'm laying in bed, whining about my life, listening to Northern State with my fan on and my sheets pulled up over my head. I want a day of nothing.

Why can't I just get a day of nothing? Or cuddling.
Gah, I'm so pathetic.

I didn't even know I had muscles in my stomache.

Holy crow.
Yoga may be wonderful and relaxing and awakening of the soul, but god damn. I am sore. So sore in fact, that fidgeting is absolutely impossible. It feels weird and painful to actually breathe. I know I have abs. I know, generally, where they are located... but I didn't think I had them all over. I can't breathe, this is serious business.

In other news, yesterday was the Tegan and Sara concert, and I've decided that I am going to be publicly open about my love for Sara Quinn. She is such a cute, little, funny lesbian that I can't contain my love. Her stories and habit of going off topic and rambling was quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever witnessed. They also put on one hell of a show. The opening band, which we met and chatted with, were pretty fun as well. White hip hop from New York. It was entertaining.

Life has been yet another roller coaster. I've been ok lately, but once again, I am so tired.
I slept on a random couch for a chunk of time last night. I love SUB. No one cares if you decide to sleep, University is great like that. People can sleep wherever they want to and no one cares. I also slept well last night/this morning. I had a messed up internet dream, which means I should probably turn off the computer, but it was sort of cute and sort of funny, so I'm sort of ok with it.

I worry about dependence now. I think I'm in too deep or something.

"there's no tongue here to sing
the ungarbled song;
for each good love there are a dozen treacheries;
little men sit here picking at their
wounds;
one more drink and the desire to fuck
something,
a desire to be loved for the lie
and the trick
and a face without a
face; /
nothing -- the spider, the octipus, the
leech is as ugly as
man,
and nothing had a better chance
to be beautiful." - Bukowski.

I'm not feeling great again. It's funny, because it can be triggered by the most insignificant thing yet it has incredible influence over every aspect of my life. I have no urge to eat healthy, exercise, get out of bed or make any attempt to organize myself. Which, due to the fact I am very unhappy with my weight, my lack of organization, lack of ambition and dedication... isn't exactly a help to this whole downward spiral called my life.

I feel so unintelligent, so vacant and I have nothing to contribute. So why do certain people spend time with me? It's not like they can learn anything new. Nothing I know is relevant to anything anyone else wants to know, to feel, to learn. It's too cold outside for me. The leaves fall effortlessly at any sign of a breeze and I am lonely.

I just want my books and my bed. Forever.

"Sarah you need to teach me how to fall"

Sometimes I wonder how many times people have heard something I've said or watched something I've done and gone "she's so dumb". Not in that Karyn way either, where dumb means cute or fun. I feel like I talk too much about too many things that I know nothing about, and no one can tell me when to stop because they are too busy thinking I'm an idiot.

In other news, I think I've reattained my university induced narcolepsy. I half fell asleep on the bus home after school and it felt like I was sitting on that bus for hours.

Trainwreck.

I keep having muted dreams. I can't see what they are, remember what happened, but there's a veiled version of something important happening in my subconscious mind when I am sleeping.

It's telling me that I need to run.

I hope you miss me while you're looking for yourself out there.

That was the worst/best cup of coffee ever.

Today turned out to be a fairly average day. Save, of course, a minor mishap in scene studies. The one day we actually do a fairly decent warm up just happens to be the day I wear the jeans with the least amount of spandex ever.

We did some really interesting things in user created theatre today. It basically consisted of personifying inanimate objects and associating our names as tangible objects. It was actually really interesting to watch some of the scenes that had unfolded throughout the class. Not to mention, I had a lot of fun doing it. I am a much more capable abstract performer... For some reason I am more in my element when movement or clowning or just being silly and imaginative is a factor.

I recently chopped off about 2 inches of bangs and redyed my hair dark brown. I feel so much better... not dying my hair for 4 months was really starting to wear me out. I have taken back my crown as the so called "hair changer".

Tonight will be a nice night. I am joining friends for Vegan food and birthday festivities. It's time to let my chill, easy going, veg weekend begin.

What are you doing?

I've been sitting in Rutherford North for approximately an hour and a half.

In this timespan, I have spent roughly 5 minutes drinking coffee, 25 minutes talking to a friend on msn, 3 minutes fumbling with my ipod, 2 minutes thinking about how that much coffee was a bad idea, 40 minutes fidgeting/playing with photoshop and 1 minute thinking about how I have an audition in 28 minutes.

Sometimes I wonder about my attention span, or lack thereof.

Truth be told, today has been better than planned. I got to school early enough to grab some OJ, had a decent class in which Amanda and I most probably offended everyone in Women's Studies (more on that when I actually formulate a pseudo-intelligent opinion), watched scenes from Clockwork Orange in Film Studies and I discovered that the guy I have a little crush on has a name that I have always loved.

The time since class ended, however, has been entirely unproductive. I could have been researching my drama assignment. I could have been reading Chapter 3 in my WST text book, I COULD have been practicing a cold read for my audition. But no.

I'm sitting in Rutherford North, surrounded by students, text books, research papers... and what am I doing? Photoshoping a picture to make it look like Ben Gibbard and myself are lovers.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm in University.

Photoshop is fun.

Because I figured I have too much free time, I should absolutely have some fun and waste more time instead of doing homework or cleaning my room.

VOILA. I'm such an amateur.