Thursday, August 21, 2008

i refuse to be the goodie bag at your pity party.

i love my friends. ridiculous people they may be, but man are they fun to be around.
steve, corey, corey's little brother and i went to go see the rocker today. it kind of reignited my want to be a musician. oddly enough, i come home, check my myspace and find a scam in my inbox. the whole idea behind it was that someone wanted to put a song i wrote on an acoustic compilation album. it was ironic and good timing. even though it was a total scam, i felt pretty damn good about myself because a friend of corey's asked about my myspace page, mentioned that i had good stuff on there and asked if it was still up.

i think i'm going to start writing again.
i want to be so much more than i am.

in other news, i feel overly protected and it's starting to get on my nervous. i can only handle so much and even though i've been sleeping soundly since i got home (minus monday of course) i'm still exhausted. you're either in or out. i'm in. figure it out.

Monday, August 18, 2008


i think i'm lost.
growing up fucking sucks.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

i feel sick.

there's a world outside and i know 'cause i've heard talk
in my sweetest dream i would go out for a walk

but i don't think i'm ready yet
i'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don't need you telling me how

there's some happiness and my stone face cracks again
maybe sometime sooner or later

but i don't think i'm ready yet
i'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don't need you telling me how

so if i leave my room, don't you tell me to lighten up
maybe sometime sooner or later

but i don't think i'm ready yet
i'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don't need you telling me how

why does this time hurt so much more than the others?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

that's 2009.

i did a lot of of unintentional thinking. i do this all the time, this shouldn't even be blog worthy.
i'm having a hard time deciding what i want. and i'm letting myself slip into this "i'm not worthy so i don't care about myself" kind of reasoning that allows me to be lazy and semi self destructive.

remind me to eat better/exercise.

i had a remarkably good weekend. friday, low key. worked. saturday. worked. bbq.
the culmination of my life thus far has taught me that i have a great dysfunctional family. i'm glad things worked out there. last night was actually quite enjoyable. with my boyfriend displaying random acts of weirdness, i found myself enjoying being the quiet one for once. how odd! i still suck at pool, but i really enjoy the company of others. and i really like seeing him smile. even if it's at my expense.

today was a slow day off. i slept in, went to the doctor's, watched a couple movies and generally was a lazy dirtbag. i haven't been feeling well as of late, for some reason i'm just ridiculously tired. i need to get over this. quick.

i'm getting more and more excited about vancouver as the countdown reaches deployment day. the interesting thing about this whole excitement business, is that it's for completely different reasons than i first thought.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

do you want to?

there are a lot of things i am at odds with, decision wise, right now.

the main one is that i'm thinking i need a change of hair color.
usually when the hair color changes, my attitude changes. my attitude has sucked lately. majorly sucked. so i think either right before or right after, or maybe even during my trip to vancouver, the color is changing.

step one:
dye hair.

step two:
start looking forward to school. god knows i don't need another reason to hate the place.

step three:
kick ass at school, get scholarships, get out of debt a little bit by little bit.

step four:
be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend... etc. i need to stop being so passive. if i'm being passive to you even though i care a lot about you, kick me. please.

step five:
SAVE SOME MONEY, DUMBASS. I'm trying to pull a potential move out of my ass in two years and I need to make it happen otherwise I'm a horrible failure.

step six:

I think that's pretty much all I need to do in 2 years. I am pretty much terribly excited to move. I need to do it, I think I can actually pull it off. I feel bad about it though, sometimes I get excited about the future and forget and neglect the present. So if I do this around you, kick me.

I want a love that lasts forever. I think the only thing I can love forever is the ocean.