Tuesday, April 29, 2008


i'm having a day where every little thing that doesn't go to plan, severly upsets me and makes me want to break things.

i'm so sick of not being able to sleep until the sun comes up. and i have absolutely no no no patience for the u of a. also, way to forget your stupid library books at home, retard. i don't want to be here... waiting until 1, thinking of how fucking screwed i am because i still don't even know if i can get into my classes for next year.

i am so tired. soooo tired.
and the longer i go unable to sleep, the more i feel like i'm totally falling apart. i'm really getting bored with being over emotional and stupid.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

voix et images de France

i've never completely understood the phrase, but maybe yielding yourself to the surface of the sun holds some sort of absolute truth. i let it go and fell backwards.

or saying so makes it true. or feeling completely lost and actually enjoying it makes a difference.
scrabble board poetry is t-5 days away.

karma, i owe you one.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

"Self improvement is masturbation"

I am going to start equating exercise with sex.
Except it's selfish sex.

Unequivocal, selfish, sweaty, rage-filled, rough, vampirical, sex. With myself.

It struck me today that my unofficial year of celibacy has indeed weened me off of intimacy and need for touch. This is true to a certain extent (there are always people who seem to be absolutely exempt for my random moods and discouragement) however I find myself still terrified of physical contact with other (or most) people.

My struggle for self improvement is the closest thing I have to the feeling and rush of uninhibited movement and cathartic release. The breathing, the grasping and the pain (for those who dig) culminating to a release and amazing calm. A sense of serene...

Because I know that I'm only 30 more workouts closer to being someone else.

Friday, April 11, 2008

green across canada

it's pretty much the same.
the vibration just replaces love and intimacy.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

she knew she was in love, nobody hugged her like that.

the only comfort i can collect is that i'm not the only one who feels this way.
i am, however, the only one who is small enough to curl up in the palm of your hand.

it's dusty. it's drab. it's not where i want to be.
it's not the place i call home anymore. i'm sorry, but i think we should see other cities.

i really wish i could tell my imaginary friend that i'm sorry.
i could really use you now.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

idealists never say never.

events of the past few weeks have made me realize the only reason why i am so bitter and cynical is because i care too much and have this overwhelming want for beauty.
maybe. who cares.
humans are a parasite at most and it's too bad that we won't realize it until it's far too late.
take care of the sharks, please?

tell the snow to ease off and tell the sky to open up a little. i feel the need for wandering and that need is quickly killed by the weather i can't stand. it was silly of me, but i missed you today. i think it's only because of the calender.

i'll coax some love out of this place. somehow.
caffeine overdrive. remind me to stop that.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Sock Hop sent packing

i wonder if things i worry about are warranted due to them being true
or if i just feel like a freak and really, honestly, truly think i don't deserve to be loved or liked.

i feel like that puzzle piece that just won't fit no matter how you turn it or how hard you push.