Sunday, December 27, 2009


"whatever happens in the end," she said, "i don't want to lose you as my friend".
he looked into her eyes, "i promise i will never be your friend, no matter what, ever"
her voice cracked, "if we fuck, i'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow"
"that's ok with me," he said. he lifted her shirt over her head.
"i love you," she said. "i never hurt you on purpose."
he nodded, "i don't care."

he would not be going to italy.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


i miss the ocean, i miss the sand EVERYWHERE.
i miss green space, not freezing to death after leaving the house,
crunchy leaves under my feet, allergies due to blooming outsides, hell... even hayfever.

i'm having a sudden burst of "seasonal "fuck everything" disorder" it's only momentary and i'm still pretty ok with life, but i miss a lot of things i can't have right now.

and i really wish i was 1600km southwest of here.
even for a few days, it would do me a world of good.

i fucking miss that ocean.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

i shouldn't be doing this.

i pulled out the suitcase of "stuff" and started reading all my journals.
i shouldn't be so shocked at how things around me have changed so much.
6 years is a very, very long time.

it is still weird, reading things that i vividly remember doing.
conversations i can still imagine having.
then i got to that summer entry.
we had crayons and drew pictures.
and i had totally forgotten about that.

there's a lot of things that i keep deep down inside.
i shouldn't, this is who i was and i need to accept that.

Monday, December 7, 2009

past in present

you do a lot of thinking when things go wrong.
it's been a long while since they have.
and i've been seriously considering this for months and months and months.

and i want a do over.
i think that as we are now, we'd be pretty damn great.

and everyone likes to double clap in songs.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

wintertime is here at last!

this quiet little city i call home has been under a winter storm warning for a fairly long time and as a result, there is a foot of snow outside that was not here last night. as i trudged outside to get my errands done and realized in the process of syncing up my ipod, that my favorite album at the moment had magically erased itself from my portable music device... i had to rely on other miscellaneous music.

which lead me to find my wintertime playlist and ultimately made for the most satisfying day ever. because this weekend is looking to become a "stay in bed with lovely covers" type of weekend, i feel like sharing some music to encourage the laziness that comes with the first major snowfall of the year.


this song has been THE first song i put on automatically when it snows since i first heard it in December of 2001. i can't argue with time-honored traditions, can i?


how i love harmonies. the minimalism in instruments used for the first 40 seconds combined with harmonies and reverb make me feel like i'm walking through a snowy forest.


animal collective has an amazing way of turning music into an experience. this song is such a great collection of sound and noise and energy.


while this song is not available on youtube at all (sadface), Small Sins - We Won't Last the Winter is a commonly played song during the winter months. if you ever get a chance to check out this band, do it. love.


i love britta persson's voice and the calming guitar of this song. this type of mellow, lazy cuddle song in the winter is the best.


unfortunately, the only video that could be found for this song was a live video. either way, still a great happy song to listen to while walking in the snow.


gregory and the hawk. simple guitar melodies and a haunting voice combine to produce some of the saddest and prettiest songs i've heard ever.


naturally one of my favorite bands would show up on here (more than once, may i add) tackling the rather unpleasant things about long, canadian winters.
how wonderful they are. how nice and wonderful they are.


ra ra riot is a band i put on a "must see live" list after being massively in love with them for the better part of last year/early this year. missing someone during the winter is the worst.

SONG 10:

this song gets on here specifically because of the lyrics:
"frozen land, frozen mind, frozen hands and frozen time,
everything moves real slow when it's 40 below". oh prairie winters. i'm glad sam roberts gets me through em.

SONG 11:

this band rocks. simple. they are fucking good. my brother deserves a medal for getting me into them. a band who combines my love of foot stomping percussion, shredding banjo and big time harmonies is pretty much golden.
also, i am sexually attracted to the singer. is that weird? i like his vests 8)

SONG 12:

hi, animal collective. i love you ever so much. period.

SONG 13:

i like you, sufjan stevens. i like how you can turn lonliness everyone feels and make music that strings chords inside me. this one gets combo points for referencing christmas too.

SONG 14:

yeasayer is another one of those bands that i have playing in the background and forget about listening to completely yet am always aware of how much i love what's going on. gang vocals for the win. always.

SONG 15:

upon searching ardently and being dissapointed, i couldn't find a video of said the whale's "a cold night close to the end" but it's a beautiful song and a perfect way to end a playlist:
"and we'll make no tracks in the snow. we'll follow the lakes to where the cold north wind blows and cover for us both so we can hide. and if we survive the cold and the night in the dead of winter, we'll watch the sun rise on the ice together....

and your hands and my hands as soft as the sunlight when the day begins... and as cold as the night blows in. and if we are to die tonight i pray with my heart that you'll love me forever... and at least we will leave here together

so much love.

drive well, sleep carefully!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

devouring piece by piece

i had a thought while taking a bath.
the lights were out and i had 4 candles lit.
2 were vanilla
2 were cucumber melon.
i love the way my bathroom looks lit by candles.
the same for my skin. it could never look that good lit by electric light.
i get a head of myself.
i make lists. i've been working on one that isn't a healthy one.
it's an unattainable list of my perfect person.

this person lives in my sim world.
he is tall. he has brown eyes and dark brown hair.
his skin is light and he has a slanted smile.
he likes to wear semi formal clothes. he doesn't need to be bribed to wear a tie.
his voice is smooth and he talks about things he loves passionately.
some people think he's weird. he might be awkward. i think he's charming.
he's average sized and gives amazing hugs.
he can appreciate plaid more than the next guy.
he has mastered bed hair and 3 day stubble.
he knows how to be funny without being malicious.
he appreciates art. all facets.
he's musical. he's literate. he is open minded.
he is comfortable with a campfire.
he is at home on a beach.
he has soft hands and gentle eyes.
my mother loves him.
he argues back if he thinks he needs to.
he kisses my shoulder before falling asleep and knows how i like holding hands.
we like museum exhibits. we see them often.
we read books. sometimes together. sometimes aloud.

we fit together like puzzle pieces and he doesn't exist.

i had a calming bath. i thought about this future that i could share with someone and i breathed in the steamy, vanilla air and cleansed my head. i feel fantastic. i feel soft and smooth and relaxed for the first time in weeks. i am ok. i am better than ok.

i miss the sunsets on the beach in the summertime, but there's something about the sky here.