I've been spending the last day considering the possibility that I am now completely inept at being a functional human being. This year was a testament to my ability to chameleon myself into a different kind of person who spends more time trying to build walls to hide herself, then allows herself to enjoy what may or may not be right in front of her. The fact that I may have been successful at doing this really worries me.
This year really was one of the hardest years of my life. With various personal problems, various relationships that took so much out of me in more ways than I could have imagined and the death of one of the most influential and amazing women that I ever had the honour of being family members with, I find myself emotionally exhausted.
How do you keep all that from poisoning great things that are in front of you? It's not that I haven't been happy lately, I feel balanced and relatively good. But what if that's not how I really feel and it's some sort of facade that just lets me feel content? Maybe I'm not as adjusted as I thought I was. I'm hiding something. I finally realized that there is something inside of me I don't want anyone to see. However, with this knowledge, now comes the question of "what is it that I am so hell-bent on hiding?".
I just want to stay in bed today. I don't feel so strong at the moment.
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