that's it. fuck you medications, vaccinations, everything.

As it stands, I seem to be in a very weird place right now. So deal with it.

I'm having an incredibly difficult time breathing. I tried the inhaler, thinking it was my asthma or something. I can't take any more... and I still can't catch my breath... anyone who knows me or has worked with me when I first started getting asthma attacks knows that if I can't catch that breath, the way I need to to feel like I am breathing, I start panicking.

It's 2 in the morning. I don't want to wake anyone up... and I'm panicking. Self therapy... um. yea. this isn't working.

Besides the fact that I self diagnose and am a notorious hypochondriac, I am off my meds. Not intentionally, trust me, I wouldn't be so dumb... It's winter, I'm busy, doctors scare me... so naturally if I run out of ADs shit happens. Well it's been 4 days and I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Do I really need them this much? I find it hard to believe that after missing one stupid little pill a few times, my whole life is falling apart. It can't honestly be that important... It has to be psychological. Right? I am not that chemically dependent, right?

Meanwhile, attempting to curb the plague of worry, the vaccination couldn't have possibly made me this ill, could it have? I've been wandering around in a daze since Friday morning trying to have enough strength to keep my balance, nevermind anything else. I can't eat. I haven't eaten more than 2 meals since Thursday and water feels metallic and forigen in my mouth. Symptom 1. Loss of appetite. (Oh you idiot, Sarah, seriously. Shut up. You know you worry) "You can't say hi? Why do you have to mope around all the time" (Mom, seriously, I am going to snap) I'm starting to have a hard time swallowing. Symptom 2. And this hard time makes me feel like I can't breathe and when I feel like I can't breathe, I start panicking and I'm panicking just thinking about panicking...

UGH. seriously. I hate my body for doing this to me. I hate my brain for provoking my body to do this to me. I work in 7 hours and I can barely stop crying long enough to breathe properly.

Something makes me feel like if I don't end up back in the hospital before Christmas, it will be a miracle.

My neck hurts. My stomache feels like it's full of battery acid. My lungs hurt and there's not a god damned thing I can do about it. My head is full of worry, stress, finals, papers, projects, definitions and now fear about being able to just co-exist. It's cold. I feel trapped in the clothes I wear to keep warm. I miss the Ocean. I miss the calm feeling off the waves hitting my toes. I hate Edmonton... I hate Alberta. I hate winter and the coldness and how it makes me a complete psychopath. I hate that medication that is supposed to make me better makes me worse. I hate how lack of said medication makes me crazy.

And I'll hate myself for writing all this here in the morning.

Remember when I got like this? You'd lay me down, lay down behind me and put your arms around me. Eventually I'd start feeling your heartbeat... mine would copy yours, I'd start breathing again, my heart would slow down and I'd feel ok. I could start the process of falling asleep and ignore the ringing in my ears and the pain in my chest and I'd be ok.

It doesn't seem like much, but before I knew what was even wrong with me, I had a way to fix it. It's just too bad that I can't do it myself.