Sunday, September 30, 2007

yea, but then... wait, no... yes? ok. no. sorry, what??

I'm stuck inside my head. Like a proton trying to find something to pair up to. All day I've had so many thoughts, feelings, comparisons and insights floating around in my head that it gave me such a headache.

Walking home from work was this monumental and difficult task. Gravity stopped momentarily to allow me to feel like I was utterly weightless, yet cemented to the ground.

I could feel rocks, cracks and miscellaneous objects through my shoes and my ankles felt like they were made of lead.

Yet my head was so disconnected from my body. My mind filled with song lyrics I should have written down, ideas I shouldn't have tossed aside. If science is so advanced, why can't they implant a microchip to allow me to record my thoughts and have them transcribed to paper?

I'm never going to be an artist. I'm never going to make money singing. I'm never going to learn how to play guitar properly. I'm never going to sustain life doing what I love. I'm never going to feel loved like I did 3 years ago. I'm never going to win a game of monopoly. I'm never going to be able to afford to vanish after 6 months in a foreign city. I'm never going to read War and Peace.

Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard to be something I'm not, or if I am completely myself, it's just other people who don't like me.

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