whenorwhere we wandered

to add to my paranoia about being completely bipolar...
i am in a completely different place emotionally at the end of the weekend, compared to where i was at the beginning.

the past 3 days have felt years long.

of course, being 23, i figure i should have more stability in my life. i should just forget this notion and roll with it. friday involved beautiful scenery and one of my best friends and his guitar. there are moments i call "charm bracelet moments" that i emblazon into my head that are somehow transcendent of space and time. friday was one. it was sad, painful, pretty, isolating yet beautiful and everything i expect because i live in a wes anderson movie. the rest of the weekend was dedicated mostly to music with the band. or drinking alone. mostly music though.

sometimes, i get overwhelmed with this whole band thing. i love my bandmates. i love our music. i love how everything just flows together. we're in the process of recording our EP in the most "do it yourself" fashion. macbook, mics macguyvered to mic stands, and praying the phone doesn't ring during a take. it's been easier than i was expecting and the finished results are better than i could have imagined.

i can't wait to play shows, promote our stuff and just enjoy what we've created together.

vancouver trip is coming up. i think.
i wish that i could be closer. i just want to give him the biggest hug in the history of mankind.

life is constantly bittersweet. nothing more nothing less.

drive well, sleep carefully.

contortions and loss of blood flow.
i kind of like that. folded up like a suitcase, shallow breath and sleepless nights.

i love the feeling of sand between my toes. the scratches, the wetness and abrasive erratics. i like being a vistor. i like feeling someone's skin on mine.

i like waking up after a restful night and feeling the weight of gravity so intensely it keeps me in bed well after my alarm. i like debating things in class, i like having an opinion.

i like the warm weather but even moreso, i like how i'm conditioned to it so i can still wear tights with my dresses.

i like planning things secretly and having something to look forward to.

i have 2 days till recording. i'm slacking off because my head is in the clouds.
i'm not ready to come down yet.

not yet.

and i want to walk around with you

the last grain of sand has been cleaned out of the suitcase, brushed off the desk and finally.... vacuumed out of my rug.
my soap is back in the bathroom, my lotion in it's original over 100ml container.
my clothes are washed, wiped and put away. overly lacking in residual campfire smell.

my middle class, conservative shame is back. my activities that i praised myself in have been condemned and mocked and i guess that's alright. it was expected.
i still can't get used to the lack of color here, or the trees that are missing from my peripheral vision. and for some strange reason, i got motion sickness on the LRT this morning.

i feel like a foot in a shoe too small here, but i guess in a week i'll be back to the same shit as before... just with more holes in my chest.

as aware as i am about the difference between holiday and permanent stay, i honestly think that i am a better person in vancouver. it's ridiculous to say this when i have no honest reason to think this. my blatant substance abuse and frivolity with things like hygiene, sleep, sleep, eating regularly, eating healthily and sleeping prove that i really probably am not that much better there than here... however my state of mind is different. i miss the lifestyle, even if it is nothing more than an ideal. i know i can't cavort till all hours of the night, full of booze. or sleep on a beach. but i feel so much better with that ocean beside me.

i'm tired of being someone i'm not to appease people around me.
i just want to read some bukowski on the beach.

route 70

i wish the kids outside making noise would fucking GO to 7-11 already and leave me alone to sit on the deck and stare at those stars. who knew that the sky got that dark? i wish i had a telescope. this might be the closest i will ever get to them. i'm never going to be an astronaut.

the ocean is still pretty. my shirt still smells like the laundry detergent my mom left me at home. my feet are pretty cold and i'm still hating myself for not bringing a cardigan.

as much as i love it here, it feels like my heart isn't in it as much as it was the last time. almost as if i didn't reach the threshold of a personal breakdown enough before i left to really enjoy the vastness of the water i am around. that might change. maybe.

the shell hunting has generally been unsuccessful thus far. i saw many jellyfish corpses, not enough mussels. the wind off the water gave me a permanent chill and now i can't get my feet warm enough. i love marinas and swung on a swing set in front of shoal harbour. i'd be terrified to be on some of those boats in open water. i feel safer in lakes and think that jellyfish are literally terrifying. although the little white ones we saw in beacon were really cute.

i'm on an island and i feel like i am, myself, an island. long distances charges are always daunting, so instead i am not calling anyone. as i elect to travel solo on the majority of my jaunts west, i feel pretty alone at the moment. but i don't think i'd even change that if i could. shopping is always harder in groups and i don't want to compromise. my stress rash is still bothering me even though i am not really stressed anymore.

also, i think i'm actually getting tired of 1901.


i still haven't seen mt baker yet. i'm not counting the view from 40 000ft either. i want to see it from the ground.

i just wanted to tell someone all of that.

all at once.

you know when you get too busy to really stop, think and process things that have happened, lists you've made, chores you've forgotten, people you've lost touch with, garbage that hasn't been taken out, dishes that haven't been washed, laundry you forgot to fold, milk you didn't drink before the expiry and so on?

it's all catching up with me now.

i've slept less than 3 hours in the last day, i'm not packed, i feel lost and unfocused, my cat is dead, i'm alone metaphorically and literally, i actually miss my mom more than anything, i'm an adult, i don't know what i'm doing at all right now, i can't fold clothes properly, i'm lonely and i miss my cat.

i don't want to be a responsible adult. i want to be a kid, getting in trouble for not eating dinner and playing barbies. when the fuck did this whole growing up and worrying about money and bills and everything else under the sun happen? i want to veto this whole pre life crisis and be settled. i don't like not knowing what the hell i should be doing at a certain time. and the past week has been full of "OH FUCK WHAT THE HELL DO I DO" moments.

i need a pause button and a box of beer.

anthems for a 23 year old girl.

she had a sad day for many reasons. much of which she couldn't understand.
there were happy parts, there always are, but on this particular day she just couldn't seem to make the good outweigh the uncomfortable.

she got through the day and spent her night cleaning lettuce for salads, drinking strawberry milk and making good with her late movies.

and on the way back, as the peach flavored nicotine coursed through her veins, she lay on the driveway of her parents house, staring up at the lily colored sky, wishing she could see the stars, the full moon and her favorite planet, jupiter. she loved how her hands were silhouetted against the sky. the trees, the buildings and her hands were all black masses of questionable content unified by it's weight, it's color and it's gravity.

we're all parts of this blanket. this hammer, this piece of string, the eiffel tower.
in the dark, we're all silhouettes against some night sky.

but that doesn't make me feel any less lonely.

ollie ollie oxen free

i'm addicted to working out and eating somewhat healthy.
i leave in 21 days for vancouver island and i am getting so excited, even for the plane ride.
i broke my computer and have since finished reading 2 books i had started.
i literally just want to listen to "summertime clothes" by animal collective on absolute repeat.
i have a bedtime routine of pudding and 30 rock and i really like that.
my phone got stolen at work, i'm upset only because i had verses of songs i was working on in my memos.
i'm working on a summer mix for some friends and it just makes me want to dance. naturally i am getting distracted.
i'm SO excited for a city of edmonton karaoke party. 80s, no less.


it's been a stressful week and sadly we are going to be putting our cat down at some point in the next week. i wish she would just die naturally already, because the idea of taking her out of her house for the first time in years and never bringing her home kind of breaks my heart into a million pieces. it's for the best. i seriously don't want to have to be cleaning up after her when my family is gone. she's just too much to deal with and i'm sick of everything smelling like cat pee.

other than that, life has been interesting, but still fairly awesome.

"i want to walk around with you, i want to walk around with you"