Wednesday, September 2, 2009

and i want to walk around with you

the last grain of sand has been cleaned out of the suitcase, brushed off the desk and finally.... vacuumed out of my rug.
my soap is back in the bathroom, my lotion in it's original over 100ml container.
my clothes are washed, wiped and put away. overly lacking in residual campfire smell.

my middle class, conservative shame is back. my activities that i praised myself in have been condemned and mocked and i guess that's alright. it was expected.
i still can't get used to the lack of color here, or the trees that are missing from my peripheral vision. and for some strange reason, i got motion sickness on the LRT this morning.

i feel like a foot in a shoe too small here, but i guess in a week i'll be back to the same shit as before... just with more holes in my chest.

as aware as i am about the difference between holiday and permanent stay, i honestly think that i am a better person in vancouver. it's ridiculous to say this when i have no honest reason to think this. my blatant substance abuse and frivolity with things like hygiene, sleep, sleep, eating regularly, eating healthily and sleeping prove that i really probably am not that much better there than here... however my state of mind is different. i miss the lifestyle, even if it is nothing more than an ideal. i know i can't cavort till all hours of the night, full of booze. or sleep on a beach. but i feel so much better with that ocean beside me.

i'm tired of being someone i'm not to appease people around me.
i just want to read some bukowski on the beach.

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