disarm'd

maybe it was just today.
maybe it was the lack of sleep this weekend.
maybe it's the wind. or the cold. or the having to wear jackets.

i feel deflated. i feel sad and lonely and missing something horribly.

maybe i'll wake up tomorrow and be happy again and this day will be a day of the past. a day of momentary weakness.

but i feel so incredibly stalled by crushing loneliness in more than romantic sense.
i feel isolated and unable to really connect with my friends, my family and the world around me.
but then again, it could have only just been today.

rehearsal was hard because i could'nt get into it. not into character, not into the mood of rehearsing... and i get mad at myself because this experience is drawing to a close, i want to savour it. not hate it because i can't feel like things are going good for me.

i'm going to say, today was just a bad day. and tomorrow will hopefully get better.
because i don't have time for a nervous breakdown right now.

what is this?

i want it
i want you.
and i can't sleep but the half of me that feels anything at all wants to feel you too close without even knowing why.
get here, get me.
lets do something to fill the time and spaces in between the lack of sleep and impending alarms.

i want to taste the sweat off your skin.

NO LATE ADMITTANCE NO FREEFUNDS OR EXCHANGES

i'm restless.
restless restless restless.
i'm facing east. or west. no. west.
in a snowstorm.
in a hail storm.
in a blackout.
no, i'm definitely facing west.

i taste it. salty residue. left over on my lips. your skin. definitely your skin.
but why?
why yours? why is it always yours?
it was good sex. i can't lie. probably the best i'll ever have.
future husband and mistress and flippant flings included.

you never held my hand that night. it's your loss. i moisturize after every bath and shower.
fucking smooth.
the smoothest
how smooth?

silk and satin smooth.
smooth like the sahara after the loss of gravity.
aeolian erosion. always the sexiest kind.
that air wraps around you like a stripper on her pole. isn't it warm? that sun is the best.
it was windy a few days ago. prude wind. not sexy wind. the coldest kind
like a slap in the face.
or the denial of pleasure
or the lack of orgasmic flush on the face of a child who's jack in the box is broken.

busted down
need new batteries? i get discounts on those at work.
i don't think new batteries can save you now.

we should go to the polar bear competition.
dive in feet first though, the shrinkage is a bore.

I BIT MY NAILS DOWN TO THE SKIN TODAY.
now my skin is peeling. and removing any trace of your touch from my body.
like a snake.
like a purge.
i'm devouring you in my dreams.

commas change everything. comas put everything on pause.
i need a coma.
or medication to kick start my heart into normal patterns.
or to stop my head.
or to keep my mouth shut.

or to keep my gum in the garbage. how do you think people see you? honestly!

my mouth tastes of cabbage and banillanilla.

i could narrate an experimental film with the shit that falls out of my head.
you don't understand.
i could make something up so you could feel like you understand.
pseudo metaphor. sewdo meaning. soodoo feelings.

i'm not broken. i just need some friction in the right places.

[air guitar solos galore]

today was... just good times all round.

my strep throat incident is slowly but surely becoming part of the past. i really am getting pretty good at listening to my body and i know when things are seriously wrong most of the time, so going to the doctor yesterday was a good move. hifive, self.

i did much sleeping today in between my class and musicians club. it was nice. napping is pretty much my favourite thing ever.

musician's club was pretty decent. by the looks and sounds of it, josh, derek and i are going to attempt to get ourselves a band together. this makes me mucho happy. i think both of these guys are incredibly talented at what they do and i just hope i have something to bring to the table.

if you play bass or like making "random sounds" let me know. we need a 'musician x' and bassist.

i am going to get some sleep though. tomorrow is going to be full to the brim with boring film studies homework.

tastes awful, but it better fucking work.

cough syrup and keroauc
sunshine on bright yellow leaves makes them look nuclear.
the world is going to end in a flurry of red and yellow leaves. i need a gentle breeze.
gang vocals friday will be a failure for me if i don't get rid of this scratch.
i get needy when i need something. i need a lap to rest my head in.

the complete idiots guide to living life and loving everything. chapter 18.
i still hope heaven is a stats board with answers to everything i've ever wanted to know. most recently:

• how many times have i sat in an LRT car that hit and killed someone without knowing?
• do i know the person i am going to spend the rest of my life with yet?
  
• how many leaves have i crunched in my lifetime?

i've been longing for the pacific moreso than usual lately.
the pond by cameron reminds me of the ocean because stagnant water makes me feel salty.

why does sickness make me so overly sentimental? shut up jordan. this doesn't count.

where [i'm] at.

1. school is tiring me out. i feel burnt out already and it' s not even october. from papers to classes from rehearsals to readings... i don't know why, but this year is by far the most exhausting so far.
   
2. i'm battling a cold that doesn't know what it wants to do. i wake up one morning with no voice and then by the end of the day i'm fine. i get sniffles but then 5 hours later i feel fit as a fiddle. either i'm sick, or healthy. i can't do both at different times during the day.
3. music has eaten my life again. i lovelovelove meeting people who inspire me to do something.
4. i'm so not looking for a relationship, but i wouldn't mind reverting back to that kind of cute-ship i had going on last summer. i just want to be held a little. that's pretty much all i'm going for. also, rando-makeout hasn't called me yet. this is good news.
5. i'm having a hard time with the concept of moving lately. my dad has been making such a huge effort to be in my life lately, which makes me sad and weirds me out and then makes me even more sad because i feel weirded out by the idea that someone loves me unconditionally no matter how many times i fuck up... and then i think about when my parents die and if i move i'll have missed out on so much time with them and i know i'll hate myself. but at the same time, staying here when i belong there makes me feel like i'm the rope in a tug of war between two things i love so incredibly much. and it's ripping me apart.
6. i want to be wreckless for a bit. this includes certain things like drugs and alcohol. and maybe flings with guys i don't know. (no sex, sex is not cool with me at all right now). please don't judge me. i'm going through a rockstar phase and need some destruction in amidst all my positivity.
7. tomorrow i am spending my afternoon in my teashoppe by myself with some coconut black. i like being alone a lot lately.
8. i love my best friends. and i thank them every day for being there for me always. friday night was a good night.
9. at this very moment, i want to get married and have someone to make food for. don't ask why or how long this moment will last because it won't. but right now, i want someone to come home to.
10. i feel like an artist again, and i am so incredibly glad to be this way.
    

double claps and tramp stamps.

despite this weekend being entirely wonderful and great, i feel so unwilling to start my week.
school and transportation times are starting to take their toll on me. i feel unrested, tense and like i could use a few more hours in a day.

on the bright side, i think i'm suffering from a complete and total ambush of creativity from every angle. i still hate that i can't offer anything at the bargaining table but it's nice being surrounded by people who have more than enough creativity for the rest of us.

rehearsals are starting to pick up, we were on our feet for the first time, interacting with each other and the script on thursday. i like those kinds of rehearsals. where it's mostly improv, movement based and organic. i'm also happy at how many people are expressing interest in it. thanks guys, it means a lot to me.

musicians club is basically the highlight of my week. i love meeting new people in that little room in sub. especially when i feel inspired afterwards. i came home on friday and basically fondled my guitar, to no avail. however.... still. dry as a desert. it's starting to frustrate me a lot. and frustration isn't helping the problem.

last night was good food, good times and singing with a mic stand. i don't even care about my rockband obsession, but playing that game with a MFin mic stand is so much fun. because you can play guitar and sing at the same time, and i feel like premium talent when i do that.

this week is going to kill me a little more than last week. community based theatre is picking up and i don't understand the idea of research. ugh.

either way, i haven't been this genuinely happy with the state of my existance in a long time. hawkins was right. i'm so glad.