i'm losing, not lost.

it was the kind of weekend that made me wonder where i was going.
you know that feeling you get on the highway, it makes you want to recreate that scene in Powder where he opens his arms toward the sky. i could have done that.

yesterday was the kind of day that made me wonder what i was doing.
it's not as if i think i'm unsure, i just need to know where i stand so often that if i don't get reassurance i crumble. i could have said something.

today was the kind of day that made me want to be something else completely and entirely.
i've been overly tired lately and i guess i didn't know it until this morning. i sleep so much better when i'm alone in my own bed. there's no reason to be self conscious or nervous. is this a metaphor of my life? maybe. who knows. i sure don't.

i was listening to fleetwood mac and thinking. i could go my own way. i should go my own way. i was listening to a song called "oats we sow" by gregory and the hawk and i got to thinking. whenever i hear music that i love and hate myself for not writing i always end up thinking. i think even when i am not thinking. lately all of my thoughts have been dedicated to the west coast. i think it's time for me to let go of all the things keeping me in one spot and go my own way.

i'm coming up with goals and plans. i'm going to try really hard to stick to them. i give myself one year as of august 31st to make something happen. i can't sit around and not let myself get better. i'm not getting better here anymore. i love the feeling of nervous energy. i love the fear of being alone. i need something to wake up that spontaneous side of me that died 4 years ago.

someday i'll toss all your presents and bury the letters left unsent.
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy and i wanna do what pleases me
but i can't

the road, she'd roll round the side of the mountain with nowhere to go
but the heart we know, when it's needin it's careenin toward being alone

someday i'll find the mind to mend it and make dry these eyes i've gotten wet
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy
i wanna do what pleases me but i can't

the crow, he'd mow half the grass on the knoll with nowhere to go
but the heart we know, when it's lovin it's leanin toward being alone

the oats we sow, they could seed on forever with nowhere to grow
but the heart we know, when it's askin its exact twin it will not be alone