goodbye 24, 45, 59

it takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass.
it takes a good friend to meet you in the park in the dark.
it takes an enemy to help you get out of bed.
it takes your lover to leave you to feel loneliness.

i feel kind of overwhelmed by the next 2 weeks. i feel alone and lonely. i feel like cold toes and fingers are my reality for the next 4 months. i feel angry at these reoccurring headaches. and the sleepless nights, and the alarm-less mornings. i feel apathetic about relationships. i feel like there aren't enough hours in a day or enough days in a week. i wonder where my year went and what my final paper topic for film will be. i miss people i shouldn't. don't miss people i should. i feel like my toe nails grow ridiculously fast compared to my hair and eyelashes. i feel like i should be old enough to like fruit and vegetables. i feel like something is missing but no one is saying anything about it. i feel grateful and great-full and everything and all things and everyone and everywhere. and i miss my self proclaimed second home.

but most of all,

what i really wanna do is dance.
i wanna dance. i wanna dance. i wanna dance. i wanna dance.

i wanna dance.

our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up

i want to

live in a log cabin in the woods
and wear flannel
chop my own firewood
eat food out of cans
walk to rivers to get water
feed birds sunflower seeds
take pictures of chipmunks
swing in a hammock between two 40ft tall trees
listen to the wind rustle through a forest
fish for rainbow trout on a dock while the sun sets
give up showers for sponge baths and dump water on my head to wash my hair
skip rocks in a lake
fall asleep with someone in a sleeping bag
walk on trails, singing to myself to ease my fear of wild animals
canoe to drop offs and jump out
taste the salt water of the ocean on my lips
feel the sun on the skin of my back
be on a ferry to vancouver island at 8 in the morning
stand on a pier with the wind violently blowing my hair around
kick the waves back into the sea, yelling "WE DON'T WANT ANY!"
watch a sunset on the west coast
curl up in blankets in a place i've never been before
write happy messages on random sidewalks with chalk

i miss summer and it isn't even winter yet.

the funeral.

i'll give you something that no one's going to give you.
my sleeping skin and heart deep down in you
i'll never tell you but you're my little scar...
good byes are hard and they're hard and they're hard.

my sunday has fucked up tuning and calm chord progressions.
and it's on repeat.

SONGS FOR PEOPLE THAT SHOULD BE HERE (BUT AREN'T)

idontcareidontcare
have you heard jupiter lately, it is SO MAGNETIC TONIGHT
i didn't like stepping on ants this summer, so i didn't.
wouldn't it suck if someone stepped on you? TREAT OTHERS LIKE YOU WANT TO BE TREEETED
i ain't even had none yer halloween candy.

WELL OH SHIT, HERE WE GO AGAIN.

you know that feeling when you're sitting still but for some banal and incredibly stupid reason your foot kind of starts shaking then it goes to your knee then you feel like your hip is going to detach from your pelvis and eventually your calf hurts and you break your toes trying to get your foot still and it's useless and stupid and painful and force vs. form and artaud would be like "THIS IS WHAT I WANTED, FOR FUCKS SAKES" so you basically just deal with it?
how about run on sentences?

my band is so much better than that one. i'm just saying.
and of course, it's a word. my spellchecker just said it was.

for the amount of time i wonder what the fuck is going on, it would be nice to get a little more out of it, you know? get in, get on, get off, get out, get going, get up and go, go, go, go, go in the way of roman candles. stupid boys and farmers and the dying of the city and the last resort of fall to reclaim what winter stole in the first place. it's such bullshit.

circles freak the hell out of me.
so why am i so fascinated with them? orbits aren't circles though. that's the saving grace i was looking for.

my chocolate milk in the polka dot mug that was in the microwave for 2 minutes on high is getting skin covered and cold.

this is all bullshit anyways.

safe and safely locked away back home.

i have a little bit of a plan.
i need to figure some stuff out before everything goes down.

i'm going to set this plan into motion so that i'm prepared for this mega change i will be placing on myself.

but i don't get why i can't stop crying right now.
i leave for work in half an hour and i just can't stop crying.

retired explorer

crossroads, i guess i'm at 'em.
i'm not the same as i used to be
i can be introspective, i guess. a little lonely though.
this reserved nature i feel i'm exuding more than usual kind of makes me a little anxious.
or maybe something is finally brewing inside.
who knows.

this time i take a camera.
a tripod.
a note book.
a pen.

i have a list of locales, a pair of shoes i love to walk in and music i can drown to.

i want my life to be a black and white film from the 50s.

somebody: the reckless life and remarkable career of

i'm torn between reading and writing.
the walls in my house are too thin to drown everyone else out. which makes studying a distraction packed nightmare.
spaghettification.

the oilers just scored.

i want silk sheets. i want to be naked in them.
i don't have silk sheets, so i'm bundled up in sweatpants.
i've been craving egg salad all day. i don't even know why.
i want to expand my room and remodel everything, i need more hangers.

zeus fucked everything.

i am strongly considering cutting my hair. it will grow later.
i miss the sun, and resent the absence of fall. acclimatizing is hard work.
i crave the feeling of someones hands all over me. i've been too busy, yet not busy at all.

i think it's time for a bubble bath break.