i hope that you like it in your little motel

i don't know whether it's just been situational or something a little more ridiculous,
but i've been feeling pretty singular and uncomplicated and uneasy lately.
i've been around friends, family, co workers, yet i feel like i'm the only person on the planet.

make it stop.

i'm scared of growing up. growing apart. growing unhealthy.
there's this hollow feeling of dread in the v of my ribs every time i take a breath.

i've been pretty pissy with people a lot too. i didn't think i could glare like this.

cheer up petunia, life isn't fair

you know, this isn't easy for me either.
it's terrifying. but necessary.
and it would be great if i could continue doing what was going to happen way before i had a future without being made to feel like i'm a terrible person.


right now, i have nothing but time.

14 day cycle gentle clense

if you don't get off the couch, you are going to be consumed by cockroaches.
maybe one day you will be tired of the same old thing. do you even hear those lyrics in that song? you say you like it but it doesn't mean anything to you. live vicariously through the words put to melodies put to symphonies of magic and blood curdling screaming. stop watching your transvetite pornography, so bad you can't even guess correctly which one has the cock or not.

stop eating styrofoam, stop drinking plastic. stop being part of the scenery and be the object of my affection. stop feeling like tomorrow will come soon enough so you should write off the possibility of today. frolic in fields looking like a fucking fantastical freak. cover yourself in mud and stop being so god damned perfect next to my mess of a creation.

in order to progress you need to cry. die inside to feel better. leave to arrive. feed the animals even though you shouldn't. they earned it. there were here long before you or i even decided to deforest the mountains. we are all parasitic shitheads full of ideas that will ruin everything.

i hate the flatness, but the fatness is starting to make me hate myself. where did all the trees go? this is no redwood cedar. it's god damned birch. e.e. cummings would spit at the sight of that bowl. i bent all your stupid sporks.

i think i've been crying inside silently this whole time. i'm ready to drop that exoskeleton, you annoying vulture. you have to spend money to make money, you have to lose everything before you can truly win. i fucking hate being trapped inside this suit of armour when inside i am a slug, dripping slimey slug juice all over your brand-spanking-new fucking berber carpet.

it smelled better on the other side of the orchard.

living in the neighbourhood.

apparently, our trash was ransacked by someone the other day.
my manager asked me how that made me feel today. i really wish the homeless people would stay downtown instead of invading the north east side. hanging out in my alley, panhandling at my place of work. i know the clairview-londonderry area isn't exactly prime real estate, but come on.

i hate this city.

5 days till i'm out of here.
i did some camping clothes shopping today. the alien lovechild that has been jumping around in my stomache for the past 3 days is ready to explode out of me in dramatic fashion. i wish the cramping would stop already. it's starting to wear me out.

speaking of waiting it out, i'm glad i did. i'm falling.

it's been such a busy week, no wonder i'm exhausted. the rapid decline of the temperature took a lot out of me as well. i haven't napped this much since finals.

i feel like i'm going to throw up.

ice cream sandwich love affairs

it's been absolutely gorgeous outside for the past few days. this pasty polak has some color.

sometimes, when it's really nice like this, i feel like such a hippy. you know that whole idea about how humans are animals and animals are part of nature and their environment but people feel they are above nature and think being called an animal is disgraceful... so they push themselves so far away from the natural way of life and end up destroying the planet? yea. i still think lush grass is more comforting than any berber carpet.

my country is 141 years old today, was last seen dodging paintballs and drinking lemonaid.
i don't think i could ever live in any other country. i'm familiar with the evils, the bugs and the currency. i just want to get west. 11 days till Nelson, 43 until Vancouver.

i'm pretty content with everything right now. summer love, good weather and countdowns always make me smile.

sell by december 2008

i got my bike today.
i rode my bike all over the neighbourhood. it was great. it was like that kid in e.t. i peddled so hard i almost wiped out. i went around the block, up some hills and through the cemetery like old times. i realized i hadn't gone biking in the cemetery since mp3 players were hip. and i mean like, 115MB mp3 players. actually, i think mine was only 50, and it was the most amazing contraption i had ever held in my hand. this time i had my ipod playing my top rated playlist which contains over 1200 songs alone. i felt old. then i biked to my baba's house for a visit and some water. it's weird having that house almost empty. i hate that they are selling it. that is like a safe haven for me. i hate that i won't have it in my life anymore.

i watched this reality tv show called "baby borrowers" with my mom and sister tonight. those kids are retarded. it made me want to have a baby just to prove i could actually take care of one... unlike those idiot teenagers. one of them actually said "fine, starve" to a BABY that wouldn't eat and left him in the highchair. this is what i consider the decline of modern society. i really just hate teenagers.

i had a good day. it was freeing being able to be on a bike and just relax while motoring around the cemetery. lovers in a dangerous time is such a great song. so is hand in my pocket. i'm going to really start trying now. i know i'm a hard person to be around sometime, but be patient. i'm coming around. or at least, i'm trying really hard.

i'm losing, not lost.

it was the kind of weekend that made me wonder where i was going.
you know that feeling you get on the highway, it makes you want to recreate that scene in Powder where he opens his arms toward the sky. i could have done that.

yesterday was the kind of day that made me wonder what i was doing.
it's not as if i think i'm unsure, i just need to know where i stand so often that if i don't get reassurance i crumble. i could have said something.

today was the kind of day that made me want to be something else completely and entirely.
i've been overly tired lately and i guess i didn't know it until this morning. i sleep so much better when i'm alone in my own bed. there's no reason to be self conscious or nervous. is this a metaphor of my life? maybe. who knows. i sure don't.

i was listening to fleetwood mac and thinking. i could go my own way. i should go my own way. i was listening to a song called "oats we sow" by gregory and the hawk and i got to thinking. whenever i hear music that i love and hate myself for not writing i always end up thinking. i think even when i am not thinking. lately all of my thoughts have been dedicated to the west coast. i think it's time for me to let go of all the things keeping me in one spot and go my own way.

i'm coming up with goals and plans. i'm going to try really hard to stick to them. i give myself one year as of august 31st to make something happen. i can't sit around and not let myself get better. i'm not getting better here anymore. i love the feeling of nervous energy. i love the fear of being alone. i need something to wake up that spontaneous side of me that died 4 years ago.

someday i'll toss all your presents and bury the letters left unsent.
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy and i wanna do what pleases me
but i can't

the road, she'd roll round the side of the mountain with nowhere to go
but the heart we know, when it's needin it's careenin toward being alone

someday i'll find the mind to mend it and make dry these eyes i've gotten wet
cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy
i wanna do what pleases me but i can't

the crow, he'd mow half the grass on the knoll with nowhere to go
but the heart we know, when it's lovin it's leanin toward being alone

the oats we sow, they could seed on forever with nowhere to grow
but the heart we know, when it's askin its exact twin it will not be alone