it's a motherfucker.

i have high hopes for myself this year at school:

day one:

i go to film studies class. awesome. fantastic. during our "warhol week" we watch a 35 minute film of a guy's face while he's getting a blow job. yes, this is my university education.

i make a total awkward ass out of myself during my spare, which i thought was theatre history. alex tells me i have an hour. i feel embarrassed stressing for no reason. long story, short.

during spare, i venture out to the club fair in quad. on my way i get centennial birthday cake. happy birthday u of a! i get to quad, sign up for musicians club, pay my dues and play some guitar with a few people. ya. i'm a musician. i wander around and end up signing up for the gateway, i think i'm going to try and write an opinion piece or something. i also want to volunteer as an in-school mentor for the big brothers, big sisters. i also ended up meeting some neat people.

i go to theatre history. it's theatre history without cookie wednesdays. i know, right? let's carry on.

spare. pasta and buns and reading.

community based theatre was kind of cool, a lot of work (i have so many papers due this semester, including a 15 page research paper for FS). i met a nice guy who walked me to the train. we talked about not so interesting things, like mumps needles and school.

i get home, am exhausted but smiling because my day is going great so far.

tyler and karyn come over for supper, what a gong show. i think we were all looped from sugar or something. i'm exhausted and tired and headachy.

now i feel totally confused. i don't know if i did the right thing. i want things to be good, to be interesting and to be cute and wonderful. where the hell did we go wrong.

hi. this is a rant.

i'm so sick and tired of feeling completely invisible to absolutely everyone.
hi, i'm a person. hi, i have value. hi, i like you but what does it really matter?

for months i have been quiet and good and not myself because i'm afraid of losing something i never really had in the first place. i don't know why i do this, but i'm doing it again and i'm so unimpressed with myself right now. i don't want grudges. i don't want petty arguments. i want something real and mine. and i've got nothing at all.

i have wasted a summer trying to make things feel good for myself. i thought i needed friends, beaches, sunshine, wading pools, hand holding... but what i really need is something real.

i'm so tired of pretending to be happy. i want to be important, but it's obvious that i'm just around because it's easier than talking about it, than fixing it, than ending it.

i start school in 2 days. i have wasted a whole summer hoping for something that never ever came to me. what a waste. i'm sick of the hollow chest, nervous jitters and empty heart feelings. i shouldn't have to be dealing with them now. i'm sick of feeling rejected by people who aren't supposed to reject me.

yet at the same time, here i am. having this same conversation with myself time after time. the same fight, week after week. how stupid do i have to be to keep thinking things will get better when they really won't.

yet i just get angry. i think the hurt feelings have passed and now i'm just resentful. i hate this. i just want to cry about everything yet nothing happens because my body is so dried up from being exhausted and thinking too much and just HOPING you could call me and ask what's going on. i have never been this tired of hoping. wishing, praying that maybe i could mean something to you if i tried to change myself enough so you could just be with me.

some things never change. i think i'll always be a 15 year old girl praying that someone finds me worth their time. except that i'm 22, and i shouldn't be like this anymore.

i refuse to be the goodie bag at your pity party.

i love my friends. ridiculous people they may be, but man are they fun to be around.
steve, corey, corey's little brother and i went to go see the rocker today. it kind of reignited my want to be a musician. oddly enough, i come home, check my myspace and find a scam in my inbox. the whole idea behind it was that someone wanted to put a song i wrote on an acoustic compilation album. it was ironic and good timing. even though it was a total scam, i felt pretty damn good about myself because a friend of corey's asked about my myspace page, mentioned that i had good stuff on there and asked if it was still up.

i think i'm going to start writing again.
i want to be so much more than i am.

in other news, i feel overly protected and it's starting to get on my nervous. i can only handle so much and even though i've been sleeping soundly since i got home (minus monday of course) i'm still exhausted. you're either in or out. i'm in. figure it out.

katydid

i think i'm lost.
growing up fucking sucks.

i feel sick.

there's a world outside and i know 'cause i've heard talk
in my sweetest dream i would go out for a walk

but i don't think i'm ready yet
i'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don't need you telling me how

there's some happiness and my stone face cracks again
maybe sometime sooner or later

but i don't think i'm ready yet
i'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don't need you telling me how

so if i leave my room, don't you tell me to lighten up
maybe sometime sooner or later

but i don't think i'm ready yet
i'm not feeling up to it now
just not that steady yet
and i don't need you telling me how


why does this time hurt so much more than the others?

that's 2009.

i did a lot of of unintentional thinking. i do this all the time, this shouldn't even be blog worthy.
i'm having a hard time deciding what i want. and i'm letting myself slip into this "i'm not worthy so i don't care about myself" kind of reasoning that allows me to be lazy and semi self destructive.

remind me to eat better/exercise.

i had a remarkably good weekend. friday, low key. worked. saturday. worked. bbq.
the culmination of my life thus far has taught me that i have a great dysfunctional family. i'm glad things worked out there. last night was actually quite enjoyable. with my boyfriend displaying random acts of weirdness, i found myself enjoying being the quiet one for once. how odd! i still suck at pool, but i really enjoy the company of others. and i really like seeing him smile. even if it's at my expense.

today was a slow day off. i slept in, went to the doctor's, watched a couple movies and generally was a lazy dirtbag. i haven't been feeling well as of late, for some reason i'm just ridiculously tired. i need to get over this. quick.

i'm getting more and more excited about vancouver as the countdown reaches deployment day. the interesting thing about this whole excitement business, is that it's for completely different reasons than i first thought.

do you want to?

there are a lot of things i am at odds with, decision wise, right now.

the main one is that i'm thinking i need a change of hair color.
usually when the hair color changes, my attitude changes. my attitude has sucked lately. majorly sucked. so i think either right before or right after, or maybe even during my trip to vancouver, the color is changing.

step one:
dye hair.

step two:
start looking forward to school. god knows i don't need another reason to hate the place.

step three:
kick ass at school, get scholarships, get out of debt a little bit by little bit.

step four:
be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend... etc. i need to stop being so passive. if i'm being passive to you even though i care a lot about you, kick me. please.

step five:
SAVE SOME MONEY, DUMBASS. I'm trying to pull a potential move out of my ass in two years and I need to make it happen otherwise I'm a horrible failure.

step six:
Move.

I think that's pretty much all I need to do in 2 years. I am pretty much terribly excited to move. I need to do it, I think I can actually pull it off. I feel bad about it though, sometimes I get excited about the future and forget and neglect the present. So if I do this around you, kick me.

I want a love that lasts forever. I think the only thing I can love forever is the ocean.