that's 2009.

i did a lot of of unintentional thinking. i do this all the time, this shouldn't even be blog worthy.
i'm having a hard time deciding what i want. and i'm letting myself slip into this "i'm not worthy so i don't care about myself" kind of reasoning that allows me to be lazy and semi self destructive.

remind me to eat better/exercise.

i had a remarkably good weekend. friday, low key. worked. saturday. worked. bbq.
the culmination of my life thus far has taught me that i have a great dysfunctional family. i'm glad things worked out there. last night was actually quite enjoyable. with my boyfriend displaying random acts of weirdness, i found myself enjoying being the quiet one for once. how odd! i still suck at pool, but i really enjoy the company of others. and i really like seeing him smile. even if it's at my expense.

today was a slow day off. i slept in, went to the doctor's, watched a couple movies and generally was a lazy dirtbag. i haven't been feeling well as of late, for some reason i'm just ridiculously tired. i need to get over this. quick.

i'm getting more and more excited about vancouver as the countdown reaches deployment day. the interesting thing about this whole excitement business, is that it's for completely different reasons than i first thought.

do you want to?

there are a lot of things i am at odds with, decision wise, right now.

the main one is that i'm thinking i need a change of hair color.
usually when the hair color changes, my attitude changes. my attitude has sucked lately. majorly sucked. so i think either right before or right after, or maybe even during my trip to vancouver, the color is changing.

step one:
dye hair.

step two:
start looking forward to school. god knows i don't need another reason to hate the place.

step three:
kick ass at school, get scholarships, get out of debt a little bit by little bit.

step four:
be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend... etc. i need to stop being so passive. if i'm being passive to you even though i care a lot about you, kick me. please.

step five:
SAVE SOME MONEY, DUMBASS. I'm trying to pull a potential move out of my ass in two years and I need to make it happen otherwise I'm a horrible failure.

step six:
Move.

I think that's pretty much all I need to do in 2 years. I am pretty much terribly excited to move. I need to do it, I think I can actually pull it off. I feel bad about it though, sometimes I get excited about the future and forget and neglect the present. So if I do this around you, kick me.

I want a love that lasts forever. I think the only thing I can love forever is the ocean.

i hope that you like it in your little motel

i don't know whether it's just been situational or something a little more ridiculous,
but i've been feeling pretty singular and uncomplicated and uneasy lately.
i've been around friends, family, co workers, yet i feel like i'm the only person on the planet.

make it stop.

i'm scared of growing up. growing apart. growing unhealthy.
there's this hollow feeling of dread in the v of my ribs every time i take a breath.

i've been pretty pissy with people a lot too. i didn't think i could glare like this.

cheer up petunia, life isn't fair

you know, this isn't easy for me either.
it's terrifying. but necessary.
and it would be great if i could continue doing what was going to happen way before i had a future without being made to feel like i'm a terrible person.


right now, i have nothing but time.

14 day cycle gentle clense

if you don't get off the couch, you are going to be consumed by cockroaches.
maybe one day you will be tired of the same old thing. do you even hear those lyrics in that song? you say you like it but it doesn't mean anything to you. live vicariously through the words put to melodies put to symphonies of magic and blood curdling screaming. stop watching your transvetite pornography, so bad you can't even guess correctly which one has the cock or not.

stop eating styrofoam, stop drinking plastic. stop being part of the scenery and be the object of my affection. stop feeling like tomorrow will come soon enough so you should write off the possibility of today. frolic in fields looking like a fucking fantastical freak. cover yourself in mud and stop being so god damned perfect next to my mess of a creation.

in order to progress you need to cry. die inside to feel better. leave to arrive. feed the animals even though you shouldn't. they earned it. there were here long before you or i even decided to deforest the mountains. we are all parasitic shitheads full of ideas that will ruin everything.

i hate the flatness, but the fatness is starting to make me hate myself. where did all the trees go? this is no redwood cedar. it's god damned birch. e.e. cummings would spit at the sight of that bowl. i bent all your stupid sporks.

i think i've been crying inside silently this whole time. i'm ready to drop that exoskeleton, you annoying vulture. you have to spend money to make money, you have to lose everything before you can truly win. i fucking hate being trapped inside this suit of armour when inside i am a slug, dripping slimey slug juice all over your brand-spanking-new fucking berber carpet.

it smelled better on the other side of the orchard.

living in the neighbourhood.

apparently, our trash was ransacked by someone the other day.
my manager asked me how that made me feel today. i really wish the homeless people would stay downtown instead of invading the north east side. hanging out in my alley, panhandling at my place of work. i know the clairview-londonderry area isn't exactly prime real estate, but come on.

i hate this city.

5 days till i'm out of here.
i did some camping clothes shopping today. the alien lovechild that has been jumping around in my stomache for the past 3 days is ready to explode out of me in dramatic fashion. i wish the cramping would stop already. it's starting to wear me out.

speaking of waiting it out, i'm glad i did. i'm falling.

it's been such a busy week, no wonder i'm exhausted. the rapid decline of the temperature took a lot out of me as well. i haven't napped this much since finals.

i feel like i'm going to throw up.

ice cream sandwich love affairs

it's been absolutely gorgeous outside for the past few days. this pasty polak has some color.

sometimes, when it's really nice like this, i feel like such a hippy. you know that whole idea about how humans are animals and animals are part of nature and their environment but people feel they are above nature and think being called an animal is disgraceful... so they push themselves so far away from the natural way of life and end up destroying the planet? yea. i still think lush grass is more comforting than any berber carpet.

my country is 141 years old today, was last seen dodging paintballs and drinking lemonaid.
i don't think i could ever live in any other country. i'm familiar with the evils, the bugs and the currency. i just want to get west. 11 days till Nelson, 43 until Vancouver.

i'm pretty content with everything right now. summer love, good weather and countdowns always make me smile.