a little thunder's good.

vanilla extract in the milk before adding the cream of wheat was a fantastic idea.
it's a rainy monday but it's my sunday so i'm enjoying a lazy sunday in my room... which i haven't been in much if at all this weekend. i like not sleeping alone.

today is a coffee day, a guitar day and possibly a baking day.

i'm smiling hard at life right now.
high five.

drunk girls

don't always have the patience of saints.
i want it nowwwwwww.

drinking on beaches, skinny dipping at 3 in the morning,
frigid canadian waters.
the way the sun sets in the summer
sun dogs, dueling rainbows.
driveway star gazing.
peach flavoured.
the hair grows like the hair grows. (faster please)
falsetto. fucking and falsetto. not again...
piles of things. why always piles?
countdown to lists and count downs.
iceland, i love you.
everything will change, oooh oooh.
la la la <3
among other things.

i don't really know what you're waiting for.

the tallest man on earth...

the cutest girl in a rain storm.

we ain't seen the sun in years, my friend.
what do you think this is? 49° 15' 0" North, 123° 8' 0" West? wrong.
wrong, wrong, wrong.

4 dollars can buy you all the memories you never made, places you've never been and people you've never known. it's the creation behind the faces of strangers, buildings and cars that counts. how many souls have you stolen? running counts mean nothing, it's final.

this out of tune piano is begging to be sung to, a warble and a whisper and clean, soft fingers. i want to play you, touch you, soft to start yet harder still. to drown out the drone of the television with a major and minor chord and damper pedal. i wish you were closer to me, you echo too much in the emptiness of the living room.

my chai tea keeps me locked to this chair, but soon i must venture out into the world and rain.
lists have been written and destiny has been handed to me.
it's grocery day.

wait up

being marginally employed has perks and downfalls.

one of the perks is an unimaginable amount of free time. one of the downfalls is an unimaginable amount of free time. another is a lack of consistent income. oddly enough, i'm having more of an issue with the free time. i spent time at work today even though i wasn't working simply because i a) and nothing better to do and b) actually really enjoy being there.

i'm learning how to sew this month. i'm also trying to get band stuff organized and trying to figure out ways to make cd sleeves. i found a few things on the internet that would be real fun to make for our EP and since i have this abundance of time, i really hope to get myself to the reuse centre and dig around for cool looking things we can craft.

i'm honestly so excited about band potential right now. i think we're at the right amount of dedication to finally get ourselves in gear. i've been thinking about this lack of work thing all wrong. i have 3 weeks to get my shit in gear. in this time before training, i hope to

1) get a trip to ikea going so i can cure my storage issues. my closet is a disaster that needs to be remedied.
2) sew myself an article of clothing. from scratch. this will be huge
3) do all my own alterations on dresses and shirts that are begging for fix me ups.
4) do another all out purge in my room, i need to get rid of some of my stuff.
5) make "proto-types" for EPs.
6) finish recopying all my lyrics/poems/song ideas that are shoved into binders from scraps of papers and notebooks so that i look like i have some sense of control over my intellectual property.

no more bored! i have tons to do and more often than not, it requires insane amounts of creativity. i'm so excited about my creative life i can barely think about sleep. again.

this is good

somewhere between sensual and drunk.
that's the best place to be, i reckon.

so much is going on in my whirlwind of a little life i can barely keep up.
i want to write a book about it. which no one will read.

i want to go swimming with all my clothes on.
i want another bottle of wine and a surplus of short videos about friends and family.
i want to cuddle.
i want to get caught in the rain, alone, so i can dance with no one watching.
i want someone else to change my guitar strings, because i'm really not looking forward to that.
and i'd really like to be on a greyhound bus that is almost just about to get to jasper, which will then get to blue river at 2 am (pacific time), which means it will get to kamloops at around 5 am, which means i will fall asleep and wake up to the coquihalla highway.

i'm all a flutter lately, and i'm very much looking forward to the next week and all it's wonderful events and outings. rararararararah!

(cross our hearts and hope to die, swear by stars that light the night... and i can't help but feel like this is good)

drive well sleep carefully

my computer goes into automatic sleep mode in 4 minutes.
i am done lying in bed. i'm restless yet exhausted but for the past 3 nights it's been the same story.
if i leave my door open, the ticking of the clock in the living room beats on the offbeat of my ticking clock in my bedroom and i feel trapped between two distinctly different worlds. how many other clocks are there on my block alone, ticking? if we added them all together would they produce a constant sound, similar to a buzz of sorts? similar to the static of the universe? to channel 116 on my television?

i feel overly stimulated yet lacking creativity. that isn't fair. with insomnia comes strokes of genius. comes guitar chords and progressions and lyrics and melodies. or poems or stories. instead all i feel is a vast amount of nothing and slight contempt at how content i am laying still and silent with absolutely no pay off. this isn't the way it's supposed to go.

i have 2 minutes. i have nothing of importance to say yet i feel i should be saying something. the methodical ticking soothes me in ways i am not exactly ready for. i feel like a shark on it's back. this isn't the way insomnia is supposed to work. instead of creativity, i am getting sick. i'm exhausted and lethargic and i don't get why i can't just sleep anymore.

everything smells a different way too. my shampoo, lemons, garlic bread. i left my ipod on for the past 2 days. it's been playing my top rated playlist for 2 days and i haven't even felt like listening to it... but the subtle clicking sounds tells me it's working. the hard drive inside is spinning yet the lack of sound is counter-intuitive.

apparently my computer gives me a 10 minute warning before it shuts down. usually i'm asleep for this part. i feel top heavy, yet sleep isn't coming. i knew i shouldn't have rearranged my pillows.

8 minutes 13 seconds.

silence. stillness.

7 minutes and 17 seconds.

where did the last 66 seconds of my life even go? sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

6 minutes and 25 seconds.

your sunsets are amazing this time of year.

i wonder if my breathing sounds loud to these people?

i hate studying in areas with people because i'm incredibly distracted by noises everyone makes. usually, to solve this problem, i have ear plugs that i use... today i do not have these. however, when i do wear them all i can concentrate on is how loud my breathing is. then i start wondering if i sound as loud as i think i do to people around me and by this time my focus is non existant.

i want to go fly a kite.
right now.

plastic bag plastic bag plastic bag.

silver sole.

it's well above normal in the temperature department.
tomorrow i could actually tan if i wanted to, however i enjoy having pale skin all year round so i'm going to not do that.

just promise me we will see a thunderstorm at some point?
that's all i really want right now.

or a sunset at the end of the world.
maybe tomorrow.

voluntary blindness from staring straight into the sun.

it's around this time of year, season, semester where i get flashes of leaving everything behind in pursuit of solitary travels, oceans, rocks with barnacles on them, food i never consider trying, people i always want to talk to but never end up getting brave enough to, etc etc.

that or drinking to the point of absolute stupidity.

as i sit amongst a rather heavy feast of knowledge and research surrounding me at every single angle, i don't feel like doing anything. i could pick a paper topic that i was absolutely passionate about yet when the time came to write it, i couldn't give a good god damn about it.

that's where i'm at now.

my life is an endless cycle of repetition and i'm sick of going through the same motions every day. i'm sick of having the same fights every fight and i'm honestly so incredibly tired of having my future predicted onto me by my family.

on top of this sense of caged possibilities due to school work i have no interest in doing, it's fucking windy. not just breezy, but gusting so that you can't breathe windy. it's allergy season and instead of rain i got snow. instead of rain i got wind. trees are budding in vancouver and i got snow.

i'm being a big stupid baby today and i'm sick of always having it come down to this.

11439 ++

sand, sun, salt, sunsets.




because march is essentially over, in 5 months,
i'll be allowed back to the place of sand, sun, salt and sunsets.

did you ever want something so badly?

i'll take care of you.

when i was in high school, i fantasized about losing my virginity in a dusty room with sun streaked air while listening to fractal pattern. i remember writing a pseudo-poem about how it would feel, what it would look like and who it would be with.

what feels like years and years and centuries later, i have very much the same feeling running through my veins with beach house's new album. more specifically "silver soul". that song is just the right kind of sensual and moves me right back into a dusty room with sunlight pouring through a window. milk crates tossed on the floor that are supposed to be housing records. my fantasies and thoughts ruin my life in ways. i want someone who can somewhat understand my irrational love of music, which, more specifically would entail finding random songs "sultry" enough to want to have sex to them. this kind of stuff doesn't happen with a random person. it's been a long while since someone understood this particularly idiotic side of me and went along with it.

dear los campesinos!... it's not that romance is boring... we just haven't found people who do it right yet.

wanting like veruca

i feel panicked and nauseous inside and i can't put my finger on it.
in every single daydream i ever had about my life in the future.... i never though i'd end up stuck this way.

i don't think i'm going to come home tonight.

i want to get to know you, better.

the past few days of the past few weeks have felt like a blur to me.
i can hardly remember specifics and time passes faster and faster.

we are 4 days away from opening night,
i am 4 days away from a midterm i haven't studied for yet,
i am very excited for the run of the show to start.

so much time, effort, energy and dedication have been put into this show. it's starting to come together and i'm getting anxious to show it off.

and i would really like to go out for coffee and learn about what makes you, you.
if i had that as well, life would be pretty damn good right now.

fuck you, damien rice.

i want to be the only person on the planet for one day.
like i am legend, but without the whacked out zombie mutant human things.
i want to get rained on and feel soaked to the bone.

and even though i'm trying, i'm getting nothing in this place.


NEXT.

RESTLESSSSSSS

i miss the ocean.
i miss the SMELL of the ocean.
i miss enormity.
i miss the loneliness associated with going somewhere by yourself.
i miss jumping into cold water.

i'm pretty discontent with winter.
i have had a lot of fun, and with my own snowboard gear, i should still want to enjoy winter for a while. and... i guess i do... i want to go boarding but finding time to do it is a pain in the ass.... and grey, white, brown and grey are SO PLAYED OUT. i miss seeing colors. any colors. and windchill can f.o.

usually when i get tired of winter, edmonton and miss the coast, i start going through websites to plan out my trip in the summer. i have travel guides and day trips in books and books on my desk for seattle and portland. i have numbers and figures for hostels bookmarked on my browser... and for a while it totally got me back into the spirit of being here...

but lately all i want to do is run away. somewhere west, somewhere alone where i know no one. i like the rain. i want the rain. i'm sick of snow and wind chill.

i'm entirely restless and it's not going away if i don't think about it.
for the amount of time i spend wishing i was there, i really should be living in vancouver by now.

staccato.

my pale skin glows in your dimly lit room. i've got a bird's eye view to everything you are and i love how you see the world. i froze up. i'm sorry.
if i could do everything over, i'd press repeat until i felt satisfied and full. until i felt like i could tackle the next bought of indeterminable time sleeping alone.

but i don't want to.

we'd sleep like puzzle pieces and then make waffles after everything is said and done. nothing lasts forever but this is just cruel.

i barely know much about you, but i feel welcome in the life you have found for yourself.

i wish we fucked that night.

killing time!!! (with gin and lime, not reeeeallyyy)

i didn't write a "new years 2009 recap" blog this year.
ON PURPOSE.

last year was like a set up year. this year, good things are going to happen.
at least i hope so. no more wasting time. go for broke. or something like that.

new vampire weekend on constant illegal play right now. who the hell do they think they are? paul simon? i love it. keepers of the backbeat.

i'm feeling optimistic. i have one more stupid year of my degree. i could have a semester only. we'll see. i might change my mind about spring and summer courses. probably not. because in 8 months, i'm going to portland, seattle and vancouver for 2 weeks. ($$$$$$$)
planning that out is a mood upper when i'm feeling vindictive. god i love that ocean.

i have a constant want to go snowboarding. that's new. i might not just be all "fuck winter ARG" all the time. at least this is something that can get me through the "winters" in vancouver when i move too.

i shouldn't be counting my life down to events, but with so many things coming up in the next year, i can't help it.

i wanna spend a weekend on a train somewhere.

anthems.

"whatever happens in the end," she said, "i don't want to lose you as my friend".
he looked into her eyes, "i promise i will never be your friend, no matter what, ever"
her voice cracked, "if we fuck, i'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow"
"that's ok with me," he said. he lifted her shirt over her head.
"i love you," she said. "i never hurt you on purpose."
he nodded, "i don't care."

he would not be going to italy.

misssssssssadventures.

i miss the ocean, i miss the sand EVERYWHERE.
i miss green space, not freezing to death after leaving the house,
crunchy leaves under my feet, allergies due to blooming outsides, hell... even hayfever.

i'm having a sudden burst of "seasonal "fuck everything" disorder" it's only momentary and i'm still pretty ok with life, but i miss a lot of things i can't have right now.

and i really wish i was 1600km southwest of here.
even for a few days, it would do me a world of good.

i fucking miss that ocean.

i shouldn't be doing this.

i pulled out the suitcase of "stuff" and started reading all my journals.
i shouldn't be so shocked at how things around me have changed so much.
6 years is a very, very long time.

it is still weird, reading things that i vividly remember doing.
conversations i can still imagine having.
then i got to that summer entry.
we had crayons and drew pictures.
and i had totally forgotten about that.

there's a lot of things that i keep deep down inside.
i shouldn't, this is who i was and i need to accept that.