Just Breathe (2 am)

I guess what it comes down to, is that I screwed myself.
Sleeping never was my forte, neurotic thinking is the only thing I seem to excel at. Mostly, the art of late night introspection. Failed goals, lost love, mortality, constriction, "who does it better than I?" said the cat before her last meal.

What is the point of living if you don't feel as if you are living at all? I find myself drifting through days that meld together to form one very long and predictable day. The only thing that changes is the weather. I dream up wonderful situations with excitement and that kind of newness you can only experience as a small child. Colours, movement, places I have only seen in pictures. Things I am shielded from, feelings I have yet to feel, love I have yet to find.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm in school. I could be content working some basic pay job just so long as I knew there would be a week of the ocean at the end of that road. A month of the English countryside, my shadow beside the darkness of the edge of the earth.

Instead I'm in school doing something I have yet to feel is really what I want. Stress and debt for nothing. I want freedom.

I want to go where I need to, love who I want to and feel what I feel without censoring myself out of fear. Limiting myself out of hurt.

It's that inability to really get my hands dirty that makes me feel nothing. I could hold your hands forever.... But my heart is so afraid of it. I am so tired of trying to make things clean and surgical. I want to feel something again. Even if it's hurt.

I may be stuck here for the next 10 years, but when I read back on the moments that make the most sense, it's because you're there. I'm really sorry.