don't let him waste your time.

i'm feeling like a baby again... here's some reasons why i want to stay in bed for a week:

• it's cold outside. not just "chilly", but cold. factoring windchill, it was approximately -36 this morning. i thought this was perfectly good cause for not going to my morning class. instead, i rewarded myself with 3 extra hours of sweet, peaceful sleep. however, i am now behind. again.
• i don't want to put my big girl pants on and command attention in the majority of my classes right now. i don't want people to look at me at all either. so, holding auditions, directing a scene, performing a midterm, discussing a research project in class, conducting a verbal presentation and working on macbeth scene doesn't really fly with me right now.
• i'm over thinking stupid little things again. i'm over analyzing things that do not even need to be included in second thoughts. this makes me feel like the dumbest person ever. it's something i feel like i can not control and is therefore, driving me mad. (shut up, jordan)
• i'm exhausted. i don't sleep anymore and when i do, it just sets me up for more dissapointment the next night.
  
• i'm stress eating and therefore feel disgusting. this also contributes to the "DON'T LOOK AT ME" phenomenon associated with my rapidly declining self confidence. this will all work itself out later, when i'm drinking at least a litre of water per day again, and managing to remember that fruit exists.
• did i mention it was cold outside?
• i am slumping creatively. hard core slumping. did i mention i'm an arts student?
  
• my room is a horrific mess. as previously mentioned, the corelation between room cleanliness and frame of mind is undeniable. my life is falling apart because i can't walk in my room.

and my lips are so chapped and windburnt, that they hurt. and not even blistex medicated will soothe my pain.

i need like 12 hugs.

fidelity.

if instead of singing a song i love to describe the way things are.
i should be loving the way things are enough to describe a song.

either way. thanks lovely.

put a smile, put a smile on my face

i had a dream about _______ last night. he was driving a ______ to ______ and for some reason i was in there with him talking about silly things. the catch was, the longer we drove, the further i was getting from where i was supposed to be. i watched the trees whiz by, hiding the mountains. it was snowy and the landscape was typical brownblack and white. aspens, fir, pine, deciduous.

we laughed and talked about how fun it was to be ____________ together and reminisced about ______. i felt concerned because i was so far from home and happy because i was alone with him. eventually i decided i had to get out of the ______ and figured i'd have to walk back to the nearest town and find a way back to the city. it would have been a long walk.

as i said good-bye and wished him a pleasant rest of the drive to _______. before i left, i turned around... looked at him and kissed him. and to my surprise, he kissed back. hard. we kissed each other, looked at each other and laughed. "i'm going to enjoy my trip to ________... then when i come back, we will discuss this" he said, with a mischevious smile. i replied "we can discuss it all you like, but i'm glad i did that"

"i'm glad you did too" he said before i left.

the rest of the dream was different. i got a ride back from a classmate who randomly drove by me... then caught a bus home. but i thought about him the whole time.

then i awoke and thought about you again.
i shouldn't be doing this. even if it's subconcious.

behead this woman, she's a hurricane.

she's tapping her toes and you can feel it in your fingertips.
her skin looks soft and you want to let her know that.
the wind blew the patio furniture down the alley and the neighbours thought it was a gift.
you put "heavier patio furniture" on your list of things to buy in the spring.

she spends all your money in malls, trying on clothes she thinks you'd like to see her in. you tell her consistently that she looks better naked in bed by your side. you think you could love her, if only she learnt how to sit still. she never sits still, you don't think she knows how.

she plays you notes out of chords on a dusty guitar.
you pretend to play trumpet and purse your lips as tight as possible for the high notes.
she turns off the television so that there is nothing but silence and the steady beating of hearts. you've always liked when she did this. and tonight is no different.

the wind blows outside and you picture your neighbour placing the white plastic mounds in his yard beside the potted plants and the swimming pool which leaks air. he's starting the barbecue to cook chicken nuggets.

she loves you, yea yea yea is playing on the radio in the morning as she untangles from your body to sashay into the bathroom before you can see her. unadulterated. pure. fully.

secretly she likes when you stare. she will never let you know this.

who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the macs store?

so i tried snowboarding for the first time last night.
i'm pretty much incapable of turning on my heel edge, carving or getting up the non bitch way, but i like to get low on a board and fly down a hill at high speeds only to get half way back up the hill on the toe rope while a little girl 1/4 my size on skis gets right to the top every time.

i'm so sore today. i also hit my head kind of hard yesterday (i had a helmet though. safety first) and i think it made me a big baby. my room is a total mess, my body feels 96 and all i want to do is lay in bed and fall asleep to BBC 4 documentaries about higgs molecules and antimatter.

however, i made jello to take to work with me today. it's flavored like marguritas.

i am burnt out from school. this whole year is just tiring me out.
i started saving chump change for a trip to vancouver this summer.
eventually my room will be so clean and devoid of things i don't need that it can't be messy ever.
i am coming down with a cold.
just for laughs show on the 30th, looking forward to it.
when is reading week again?

but i know you mean "if you feel like dancing, dance with me"

for the time being, i will be danceless.
but that's ok. end of an era.
we had a great run and a good send off. well, if we ignore the violence, the idiots and the fatigue.
i loved it. i love you guys.
and i love this dumb feeling i get. the stupid smile. the girly thrill in the v of my ribs.
but i don't like the rush of skepticism i get afterwards.

i should have done it. i mulligan'd it in my dreams though. and it was amazing and everything i wanted it to be. then there was a high 5 which made it even more awesome.

it was nice. and i love my friends. we're good people.

and the man in the middle seat recites his timetables audibly... but i know he means "if you feel like dancing..... dance with me"

down in albion.

hours in total:

being awesome and social: 2 hours.
almost falling asleep: 1.5 hours
pretending to sleep: 3 hours
actually sleeping: 5 hours
eating pancakes and watching back to the future 2 (also, laughing): 0.02 hours.
assembling ikea furniture (upside down and wrong): 0.4 hours
cleaning room: 2 hours
re-alphabetizing books: 0.3 hours
dusting: 0.1 hours.
playing fable II and generally being useless: 9 hours.

success. new years day remained a "hi, i'm lazy as fuck" day!
maybe tomorrow i'll shower and do something. maybe.