devouring piece by piece

i had a thought while taking a bath.
the lights were out and i had 4 candles lit.
2 were vanilla
2 were cucumber melon.
i love the way my bathroom looks lit by candles.
the same for my skin. it could never look that good lit by electric light.
i get a head of myself.
i make lists. i've been working on one that isn't a healthy one.
it's an unattainable list of my perfect person.

this person lives in my sim world.
he is tall. he has brown eyes and dark brown hair.
his skin is light and he has a slanted smile.
he likes to wear semi formal clothes. he doesn't need to be bribed to wear a tie.
his voice is smooth and he talks about things he loves passionately.
some people think he's weird. he might be awkward. i think he's charming.
he's average sized and gives amazing hugs.
he can appreciate plaid more than the next guy.
he has mastered bed hair and 3 day stubble.
he knows how to be funny without being malicious.
he appreciates art. all facets.
he's musical. he's literate. he is open minded.
he is comfortable with a campfire.
he is at home on a beach.
he has soft hands and gentle eyes.
my mother loves him.
he argues back if he thinks he needs to.
he kisses my shoulder before falling asleep and knows how i like holding hands.
we like museum exhibits. we see them often.
we read books. sometimes together. sometimes aloud.


we fit together like puzzle pieces and he doesn't exist.

i had a calming bath. i thought about this future that i could share with someone and i breathed in the steamy, vanilla air and cleansed my head. i feel fantastic. i feel soft and smooth and relaxed for the first time in weeks. i am ok. i am better than ok.

i miss the sunsets on the beach in the summertime, but there's something about the sky here.