i don't know you, i don't owe you.

i'm in love with something i can't quite figure out.
it's halfway between a crush on someone and profound love for someone else who can't ever return it.

and the prospect of being loved. and the melting of the snow.
and the whole world with its valleys and crevasses and rivers and jungles and trees and glaciers and mountains.

life is totally falling apart when i thought it was falling into place but that's ok.
it's only a transitional stage. like the fox said when they started to skin him...

what i wouldn't do to be honest and just put myself out there.
you're pretty amazing, i hope you know that.

sealion

here's a secret i don't want to keep anymore:

every once in a while, i check craigslist -> missed connections, secretly wishing someone thought i was important enough to find. that i was someone a random stranger wanted to talk to.

i haven't been yet. but every once in a while i keep checking.

i have a headache. i feel stupid. i am tired but can't sleep. i am worried. i am apprehensive. i want to sleep for a week. i miss my xbox. i want a summer job. i don't want to go to ASL in the morning. i love blood oranges. my room is a mess. my head feels like a mess. i'm doing ok. i miss you.

i'm not supposed to miss you. i know where you bought that sweater. i saw it today, i touched it and felt sad for a second. i miss you.

idiom's delight

this week is good.
positive thinking is good.
life is good.
music is good.
sleeping is good.
documentaries are good.
ewan mcgreggor is good.
ice packs are good.
clean laundry is good.
school is good.
progress on finals is good.
smiling is good.
planning is good.
everything is good.

i feel like singing.

sick muse.

i want to take you for tea.
then take your clothes off.

is that so bad? probably. i think that ship sailed yeeeaaaarrrrrs ago.
but here i am. let's put that record on the player... settle in and count the freckles on our arms and draw triangles on our thighs.

after, we'd play mario kart. if you take wario i swear to god i'll leave you.
i'll make you breakfast in the morning. only if you promise to pretend to sleep as i skirt out of the room, out of the sheets and out of your arms. what would you like, my love?

it's sunday afternoon and the sun is out. it's the middle of june and we walk hand in hand in the only place in the city that's beautiful.

why is everything in life so cyclical? running in circles, feeling in spheres, elliptical orbits around the sun. what would you like, my love?

i want to take you back to my hypothetical apartment. there are large windows covered in sheer white curtains, i have hardwood floors too. the kitchen is simple and modern, cleaner than clean and i'm making milkshakes. i have chocolate, vanilla or peanut butter ice cream. which would you like, my love?

climb into bed with me. i just think i need a bit of your skin. we'll worry about the morality and ethics of this twisted web we weave in the morning.

extraordinary things

pupils catch each other across a long, black table.
quickly we divert attention. shifting blame onto the floor where it belongs.
"i'm sorry" i say.
"hrmph". his reaction, while not unexpected reeks of self pity.
"no i'm not" i reply second handedly. "this whole thing was laid out for you before anything even happened. this isn't about the keys or the cords or the silence or the foot prints. this isn't about me or you. or her. or him or anyone else. this was something you were supposed to be ready for."
your silence explains so much more than i could have ever expected.
"maybe i'm not sorry because i should be sorry. but sorry because i can't be sorry. what else can i say besides nothing?"

i am teetering on the edge of hating you. i am slowly descending into a world where i am better without you in my life. it's easier to say nothing, it always is. and i guess when it's so far removed from area codes, provincial boundaries and even the way the moon looks in the sky, 0.02 degrees left of centre... it really is easier to say nothing.

i will keep my memories and the photos that haven't been erased from my life due to complete and total technological melt down. you can keep whatever it is you try to make yourself think makes you happy.

but i think we should be sorry because we aren't sorry. it's natural progression i guess.

i'll keep immersing myself in love and then loneliness. and more love and loneliness.
i have plenty of dvds to keep me company in this bed.

i hope you find what you're looking for. i just can't help you find it anymore.

catharthritis

deal.
deal breakers.

on the one side:

• kind of like you
• kind of need sleep
• want vanilla chai
• have clean sheets
• am generally excited
• music

other:

• liking you is dumb
• so so tired
• diagnosed with apathy
• haircut needs to happen
• would rather sleep
• so much work
• can't visualize
• can't plan
• can't stick to plans
• fear or something
• no energy
  

coming down with a little cold i think. my body is backwards and inside out.
i feel very sad about being a human being lately. it's something i can't describe, but i just want to cry when i think about people as a society. it's the most ridiculous/emotional/nonsensical thing ever, but i'm just feeling weird about life on this planet. and words. and how people have mothers and fathers. or friends. or siblings. the music people like, that i don't like. and how i don't like their music sometimes. and how tim horton's means more to me symbolically than the canadian flag. and how patriotism is so stupid in the first place. and how much i love the ocean. and how much i love my family. and how far away my family is from the ocean. and how much i don't want to grow up. and how much i'm afraid of growing up. and how when i'm stressed out, everything becomes a big deal that isn't a big deal. and i feel isolated and alone. and i hate that. and i love starting sentences with and even though it's a major faux passe. i'm kind of a headcase but i hope you can love that about me. because i think a lot. only because i love things a lot. and i miss things when they are gone. and change is hard.

I NEED A VACATION TO SOMEPLACE WARM OR SOMETHING.

brain needs off switch. i want salad.

don't let him waste your time.

i'm feeling like a baby again... here's some reasons why i want to stay in bed for a week:

• it's cold outside. not just "chilly", but cold. factoring windchill, it was approximately -36 this morning. i thought this was perfectly good cause for not going to my morning class. instead, i rewarded myself with 3 extra hours of sweet, peaceful sleep. however, i am now behind. again.
• i don't want to put my big girl pants on and command attention in the majority of my classes right now. i don't want people to look at me at all either. so, holding auditions, directing a scene, performing a midterm, discussing a research project in class, conducting a verbal presentation and working on macbeth scene doesn't really fly with me right now.
• i'm over thinking stupid little things again. i'm over analyzing things that do not even need to be included in second thoughts. this makes me feel like the dumbest person ever. it's something i feel like i can not control and is therefore, driving me mad. (shut up, jordan)
• i'm exhausted. i don't sleep anymore and when i do, it just sets me up for more dissapointment the next night.
  
• i'm stress eating and therefore feel disgusting. this also contributes to the "DON'T LOOK AT ME" phenomenon associated with my rapidly declining self confidence. this will all work itself out later, when i'm drinking at least a litre of water per day again, and managing to remember that fruit exists.
• did i mention it was cold outside?
• i am slumping creatively. hard core slumping. did i mention i'm an arts student?
  
• my room is a horrific mess. as previously mentioned, the corelation between room cleanliness and frame of mind is undeniable. my life is falling apart because i can't walk in my room.

and my lips are so chapped and windburnt, that they hurt. and not even blistex medicated will soothe my pain.

i need like 12 hugs.