RESTLESSSSSSS

i miss the ocean.
i miss the SMELL of the ocean.
i miss enormity.
i miss the loneliness associated with going somewhere by yourself.
i miss jumping into cold water.

i'm pretty discontent with winter.
i have had a lot of fun, and with my own snowboard gear, i should still want to enjoy winter for a while. and... i guess i do... i want to go boarding but finding time to do it is a pain in the ass.... and grey, white, brown and grey are SO PLAYED OUT. i miss seeing colors. any colors. and windchill can f.o.

usually when i get tired of winter, edmonton and miss the coast, i start going through websites to plan out my trip in the summer. i have travel guides and day trips in books and books on my desk for seattle and portland. i have numbers and figures for hostels bookmarked on my browser... and for a while it totally got me back into the spirit of being here...

but lately all i want to do is run away. somewhere west, somewhere alone where i know no one. i like the rain. i want the rain. i'm sick of snow and wind chill.

i'm entirely restless and it's not going away if i don't think about it.
for the amount of time i spend wishing i was there, i really should be living in vancouver by now.

staccato.

my pale skin glows in your dimly lit room. i've got a bird's eye view to everything you are and i love how you see the world. i froze up. i'm sorry.
if i could do everything over, i'd press repeat until i felt satisfied and full. until i felt like i could tackle the next bought of indeterminable time sleeping alone.

but i don't want to.

we'd sleep like puzzle pieces and then make waffles after everything is said and done. nothing lasts forever but this is just cruel.

i barely know much about you, but i feel welcome in the life you have found for yourself.

i wish we fucked that night.

killing time!!! (with gin and lime, not reeeeallyyy)

i didn't write a "new years 2009 recap" blog this year.
ON PURPOSE.

last year was like a set up year. this year, good things are going to happen.
at least i hope so. no more wasting time. go for broke. or something like that.

new vampire weekend on constant illegal play right now. who the hell do they think they are? paul simon? i love it. keepers of the backbeat.

i'm feeling optimistic. i have one more stupid year of my degree. i could have a semester only. we'll see. i might change my mind about spring and summer courses. probably not. because in 8 months, i'm going to portland, seattle and vancouver for 2 weeks. ($$$$$$$)
planning that out is a mood upper when i'm feeling vindictive. god i love that ocean.

i have a constant want to go snowboarding. that's new. i might not just be all "fuck winter ARG" all the time. at least this is something that can get me through the "winters" in vancouver when i move too.

i shouldn't be counting my life down to events, but with so many things coming up in the next year, i can't help it.

i wanna spend a weekend on a train somewhere.

anthems.

"whatever happens in the end," she said, "i don't want to lose you as my friend".
he looked into her eyes, "i promise i will never be your friend, no matter what, ever"
her voice cracked, "if we fuck, i'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow"
"that's ok with me," he said. he lifted her shirt over her head.
"i love you," she said. "i never hurt you on purpose."
he nodded, "i don't care."

he would not be going to italy.

misssssssssadventures.

i miss the ocean, i miss the sand EVERYWHERE.
i miss green space, not freezing to death after leaving the house,
crunchy leaves under my feet, allergies due to blooming outsides, hell... even hayfever.

i'm having a sudden burst of "seasonal "fuck everything" disorder" it's only momentary and i'm still pretty ok with life, but i miss a lot of things i can't have right now.

and i really wish i was 1600km southwest of here.
even for a few days, it would do me a world of good.

i fucking miss that ocean.

i shouldn't be doing this.

i pulled out the suitcase of "stuff" and started reading all my journals.
i shouldn't be so shocked at how things around me have changed so much.
6 years is a very, very long time.

it is still weird, reading things that i vividly remember doing.
conversations i can still imagine having.
then i got to that summer entry.
we had crayons and drew pictures.
and i had totally forgotten about that.

there's a lot of things that i keep deep down inside.
i shouldn't, this is who i was and i need to accept that.

past in present

you do a lot of thinking when things go wrong.
it's been a long while since they have.
and i've been seriously considering this for months and months and months.

and i want a do over.
i think that as we are now, we'd be pretty damn great.

and everyone likes to double clap in songs.