i'll take care of you.

when i was in high school, i fantasized about losing my virginity in a dusty room with sun streaked air while listening to fractal pattern. i remember writing a pseudo-poem about how it would feel, what it would look like and who it would be with.

what feels like years and years and centuries later, i have very much the same feeling running through my veins with beach house's new album. more specifically "silver soul". that song is just the right kind of sensual and moves me right back into a dusty room with sunlight pouring through a window. milk crates tossed on the floor that are supposed to be housing records. my fantasies and thoughts ruin my life in ways. i want someone who can somewhat understand my irrational love of music, which, more specifically would entail finding random songs "sultry" enough to want to have sex to them. this kind of stuff doesn't happen with a random person. it's been a long while since someone understood this particularly idiotic side of me and went along with it.

dear los campesinos!... it's not that romance is boring... we just haven't found people who do it right yet.

wanting like veruca

i feel panicked and nauseous inside and i can't put my finger on it.
in every single daydream i ever had about my life in the future.... i never though i'd end up stuck this way.

i don't think i'm going to come home tonight.

i want to get to know you, better.

the past few days of the past few weeks have felt like a blur to me.
i can hardly remember specifics and time passes faster and faster.

we are 4 days away from opening night,
i am 4 days away from a midterm i haven't studied for yet,
i am very excited for the run of the show to start.

so much time, effort, energy and dedication have been put into this show. it's starting to come together and i'm getting anxious to show it off.

and i would really like to go out for coffee and learn about what makes you, you.
if i had that as well, life would be pretty damn good right now.

fuck you, damien rice.

i want to be the only person on the planet for one day.
like i am legend, but without the whacked out zombie mutant human things.
i want to get rained on and feel soaked to the bone.

and even though i'm trying, i'm getting nothing in this place.


NEXT.

RESTLESSSSSSS

i miss the ocean.
i miss the SMELL of the ocean.
i miss enormity.
i miss the loneliness associated with going somewhere by yourself.
i miss jumping into cold water.

i'm pretty discontent with winter.
i have had a lot of fun, and with my own snowboard gear, i should still want to enjoy winter for a while. and... i guess i do... i want to go boarding but finding time to do it is a pain in the ass.... and grey, white, brown and grey are SO PLAYED OUT. i miss seeing colors. any colors. and windchill can f.o.

usually when i get tired of winter, edmonton and miss the coast, i start going through websites to plan out my trip in the summer. i have travel guides and day trips in books and books on my desk for seattle and portland. i have numbers and figures for hostels bookmarked on my browser... and for a while it totally got me back into the spirit of being here...

but lately all i want to do is run away. somewhere west, somewhere alone where i know no one. i like the rain. i want the rain. i'm sick of snow and wind chill.

i'm entirely restless and it's not going away if i don't think about it.
for the amount of time i spend wishing i was there, i really should be living in vancouver by now.

staccato.

my pale skin glows in your dimly lit room. i've got a bird's eye view to everything you are and i love how you see the world. i froze up. i'm sorry.
if i could do everything over, i'd press repeat until i felt satisfied and full. until i felt like i could tackle the next bought of indeterminable time sleeping alone.

but i don't want to.

we'd sleep like puzzle pieces and then make waffles after everything is said and done. nothing lasts forever but this is just cruel.

i barely know much about you, but i feel welcome in the life you have found for yourself.

i wish we fucked that night.

killing time!!! (with gin and lime, not reeeeallyyy)

i didn't write a "new years 2009 recap" blog this year.
ON PURPOSE.

last year was like a set up year. this year, good things are going to happen.
at least i hope so. no more wasting time. go for broke. or something like that.

new vampire weekend on constant illegal play right now. who the hell do they think they are? paul simon? i love it. keepers of the backbeat.

i'm feeling optimistic. i have one more stupid year of my degree. i could have a semester only. we'll see. i might change my mind about spring and summer courses. probably not. because in 8 months, i'm going to portland, seattle and vancouver for 2 weeks. ($$$$$$$)
planning that out is a mood upper when i'm feeling vindictive. god i love that ocean.

i have a constant want to go snowboarding. that's new. i might not just be all "fuck winter ARG" all the time. at least this is something that can get me through the "winters" in vancouver when i move too.

i shouldn't be counting my life down to events, but with so many things coming up in the next year, i can't help it.

i wanna spend a weekend on a train somewhere.