the kids don't know shit

i miss her a lot lately. i think it's christmas. i always miss her during holidays.
with the house being sold and christmas being different on a massive scale (the first year in my life the routine has changed), i feel further from her than ever. it makes me worry about silly, yet important things. like forgetting her voice. her laugh is already far away from me and i feel incredibly sad about things like this.

things like morality and deadlines make me feel a little sick. in 2 years, i will be living in a city far away from my family. i laid in bed thinking about this yesterday. i won't be there for birthdays. i won't be there for anniversaries, unless they are really important. i won't be there for coffee, i won't be there for random drop ins, movie nights, coffee dates, library book sales, random growth spurts, announcements, disappointments, report cards, dream updates.

30 years down the road, will i be angry with myself for moving away and missing years that i could have spent being apart of everything? will i be mad that i didn't relish time i had with people i loved while they were alive? will i feel guilty for not spending time with my parents when they die?

on the other hand, will i be happy that i took the easy way out and stayed in a place i don't feel i belong in just because it's easier than creating my own path in this world?

i feel like i'm at a very important crossroad in my life, even though i am not going anywhere. and it freaks me out. it makes me feel like i can't do anything, be anyone or see anything without a tread of guilt hitting me where it hurts most.

over the past 2 weeks, with school kicking my ass, i have come to one conclusion. i am not a thinker. i am incapable of writing coherent arguments, i will always coast through school with a b- at best. i do not work well intellectually, argumentatively. i am a feeler, i always was and always will be. i am the person that cries to song lyrics on the bus, weeps at movies and commercials and empathizes with people. so how does one person who is so inclined to feel everything live their lives without guilt, fear or this impending feeling of heartache?

I CANT FOCUS I CANT FOCUS I CANT FOCUS

swimming ocean stararms starfields starfox galaxies toes icepick slipnslides warisoverifyouwantit nothingness empty fillerup headaches medicationyoudontneed holdingtightforthekids gravity inertia lackofmotivation shrivledheart ineedsomekaraoke capprealtuneulsyndrome rainedbows pun discrete infinite lackofmotivation radioheaddoesitbetter finger goodtimeband musicthatwontquit orgasmicpain dizzyyet? we didnt know this was what you wanted/ whendiditgowrong whendidistopcaring whereismylifeheaded whenwillthissemesterbeover willigetacallback/no willyouwanttojoinmeforcoffee?

microsoft wordcount.
7.
-593.
ohshit.

who knew? VOLCANOES!

so, i think once i actually get stressed past the point of crying or not sleeping, i am the most productive person ever.
however, i get bored. i have a 12 page paper due tomorrow that i have absolutely no ambition to write and i took a shift tonight. i work till midnight, then will sleep so i can get to class for the first time this week. THEN i will attempt to write this paper.

i'm clearly tempting fate here.

that being said, i'm feeling ok. i didn't get my period this month. this would concern me if i actually had an interest in sex. but i don't, so now i'm just stoked that i didn't have to deal with it.

victoria is home in 3 weeks, school is over in 1 and my papers and finals are finished with in 2.
i also can't wait for christmas this year. i don't know what's wrong with me, usually i HATE christmas, but i'm all over the cheeriness this year.

bring out the nog. i'm making cards and smiling.

blame it on the tetons

i believe in the universe. i believe in solitude. i believe in the power of books, the coziness of bed and the security of a good bra.

i want to believe in love. i want to believe in peace, courage and the love of a good friend.

why do i get like this?
existential crises come and go, but my constant fluxes of apathy and nihilism gives me the bends.
i can be completely confident, part of the time.
i can be partly confident, all of the time.
i can be not confident, some of the time.
but i want to be lovely all of the time.

this barrage of words sits on my tongue ready for fire. but i can't say it.
i want to be strong enough to live my life, free of fear because i think .... it's great. and i smile 10 times harder when i hear that delicate placement of vowels and consonants. for once, i lit up like a christmas tree, but now i can't even bear to think about anything except the lack of anything i have to look forward to right now.

3 more weeks. 3 more weeks. 3 moar weaks.
i'm so lost right now.

stop messing around and do some work

eyeless in the morning sun
you were pale and mild,
a modern girl taken with thought still prone to care,
making tea in your underwear

you went out in the yard to find something to eat and clear your mind.
something bad inside me went away.

i've had a metaphysical kind of week.
incredible company, actually, more incredible than i had first thought. take it as you will.
i feel full and empty at the same time. i'll miss seeing smiles every day, but music is now on the priority list again. hopefully.

may have found a bassist. who knows where this may lead. it's 11 pm and my insides feel like applesauce and my cheeks are red with uncertainty. i kind of want to jump.

let's color our hair till no one knows us.

mulligan?

i want the last 5 years of my life back.
as much as i hated it, i kind of want to redo highschool.

i miss the safety of the theatre. the theatre i knew when i was 17.
i was so much better back then. i was capable of love. intimacy. openness.

i'm much too cynical now. muuuuch too cynical. i want my love back.

this week will be tiring, but i'm really looking forward to it.

acting commences in t-2 days. nail it.

it's not fun. don't do it.

hi.
i'm tired, and stressed.
and i have no clean clothes. and i won't have clean clothes until saturday.
because i'm at school for the next 6 days straight for approx. 14 hours a day.
if you want to do my laundry for me, please let me know.

also, film studies needs to back off. and i need to sleep.
i can almost see the end.