i miss her a lot lately. i think it's christmas. i always miss her during holidays.
with the house being sold and christmas being different on a massive scale (the first year in my life the routine has changed), i feel further from her than ever. it makes me worry about silly, yet important things. like forgetting her voice. her laugh is already far away from me and i feel incredibly sad about things like this.
things like morality and deadlines make me feel a little sick. in 2 years, i will be living in a city far away from my family. i laid in bed thinking about this yesterday. i won't be there for birthdays. i won't be there for anniversaries, unless they are really important. i won't be there for coffee, i won't be there for random drop ins, movie nights, coffee dates, library book sales, random growth spurts, announcements, disappointments, report cards, dream updates.
30 years down the road, will i be angry with myself for moving away and missing years that i could have spent being apart of everything? will i be mad that i didn't relish time i had with people i loved while they were alive? will i feel guilty for not spending time with my parents when they die?
on the other hand, will i be happy that i took the easy way out and stayed in a place i don't feel i belong in just because it's easier than creating my own path in this world?
i feel like i'm at a very important crossroad in my life, even though i am not going anywhere. and it freaks me out. it makes me feel like i can't do anything, be anyone or see anything without a tread of guilt hitting me where it hurts most.
over the past 2 weeks, with school kicking my ass, i have come to one conclusion. i am not a thinker. i am incapable of writing coherent arguments, i will always coast through school with a b- at best. i do not work well intellectually, argumentatively. i am a feeler, i always was and always will be. i am the person that cries to song lyrics on the bus, weeps at movies and commercials and empathizes with people. so how does one person who is so inclined to feel everything live their lives without guilt, fear or this impending feeling of heartache?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Every Christmas Eve, we would go to the home where my Amma and great aunt lived. Not for my Amma, she doesn't know what's going on and we'd never stay with her for that long just because there was really no point.
But all of us, the parents and the kids and now the kids' kids would go hang out with the great aunt and open presents and be Christmassy with each other before going back to my aunt's house to sit around and drink and eat Icelandic junk and shaved ham sandwiches and spinach dip, and pickles.
And this year, since she's gone, we won't be going to the home. We'll just go to my aunt's.
I'm really worried about how awkward it's going to be and how awful and painful people will find it. And how drunk people will get a result.
Post a Comment