i loved as hard as i could

as i write this, i am off of a shift at work, after a day of a semi new haircut and illness.
i feel foreign in my skin when i think of everything that happened over the past year. i also feel that it is kind of important for me to summarize one of the most life changing years of my life, so bear with me.

january. a month of pills and misery. strep throat, twice. chest infections, pinkeye (what am i, 7? who gets pinkeye when they are 21?). bitterly cold days and sleepless nights. with sleepless nights comes over analyzing and that took its toll. i don't think i'll ever not dream of leaving. i missed you, and him oddly enough. i don't think i'll ever not dream of what could have been either.

february. summarized by loneliness, maybe. it's funny how whenever he's in my life my mood and hopes and dreams changes. he's a black hole and my whole centre of gravity shifts. odd. this month also marked the decision to stop taking my meds. i feel like my days of anti depressants are years away as well. it's odd to remember being on them so little time ago. but one drug was substituted for another.
i missed that summer, i missed being around you. i missed feeling needed, i missed everything that came with having a crush that went a little too far one year where it all came together. i hope you are well.

march. LUNAR LANDING DOCUMENTARIES. ROVING MARSSS. i wanted you to break your own rule so hard. theatre history. i couldn't keep up. leveling out never felt so ok... not ok. good. i felt good. i wanted to be touched. i needed to be loved, but by no one else. the realization that sigur ros is what being in a womb sounds like. fetal positions. fear of suits and griefcases.

april. missing puzzle pieces, waiting for grass. BLONDE. i don't want to be bitter or cynical. i care too much. i still wanted you and needed an imaginary friend. "it's pretty much the same. the vibration just replaces love and intimacy". equating the rush of exercise to sex never looked better on me. acceptance yielded a new relationship, the task of liking someone took much of my time.

may. the division between pleasure and necessity. allowing oneself to feel and beginning to sleep. allergies. allergies. allergies. fantasies about library sex, rutherford you hound. impending birthdays and eating the marshmallows last. feeling like i'm good with someone, like i almost fit. the red dress. THE HIVES (you blew my mind). nonstop dreaming of the pacific. the contact of skin on skin and that unhibited afterglow.

june. the end of rebelling against what i thought was the enemy. the acceptance of tanning. the beginning of a goal and the need for a passport. full blown simmiing- complete with facebook album. yet another pre-life crisis involving the idea of leaving. sometimes i don't know how i get through the day without jumping in a boxcar, thanks jack kerouac. VW camping and sunshine on my face and the impending feeling that i don't think this is what we wanted. bike freedom and cemetery thinking. i tried that night. i hope you know that.

july. fireworks in the park with you by my side. hot weather and barefoot and fancy free. countdowns to westward travels. nelson: freedom, mountains, hippies, the sense that I BELONG HERE I DO I DO, looking at the water with my eyes half shut, pretending it was the ocean. handwriting in the sand, seashorses, embrace this life you will live soon. i missed you, you know. i thought often of what you were doing while i was gone and wished i could be apart of it. i don't want to grow up.

august. i wanted to be better. a lot better. i knew then i couldn't love you but i held on because maybe i could change that. i liked you more when you cared and laughed with my family. RED! countdown to vancouver never felt so good. wandering around with jordan in the city i fell in love with, dead crabs and barnacles and being rejected by the one who shouldn't be rejecting me. i knew then that it was over. katydids. refusing to be the goodie bag at your pity party and enjoying the company of friends.

september. it's over. chemical reactions:hysterical and useless. school starts, i dedicate myself to trying for once. musicians club, gateway, makes new friends with people who are still heavily involved in her life. film crew. happiness and freedom with a suspicion she still can't shake. learning that it's easier to get over someone when you are so fucking angry at them. running into friends at random and catching up with people i thought i'd lost. river valley wandering with dirty jeans and ruined shoes. good bye jeffrey, apparently. auditions = success. musicactingmusicactingmusicacting and coconut black tea by myself.

october. cough syrup and kerouac. nuclear, stagnant water by cameron smelling like the ocean. restless and looking west. coffee date and intense fantasy. i'd have sold my skin for you. rehearsals and lack of sleep and lack of confidence and lack of sleep and lack of time and lack of sleep and lack of love and lack of sleep. rehearsals.

november. stress doesn't do your laundry for you. 14 hours X 6 days, stress. school stress. acting, rehearsals, tech week, tech run, cue to cues, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN? bets? 1? 10? 35? cute. so cute. fantasy, lusting, cute cute cute. conversations, questions, hidden motives and prospects. "do you think so? i don't know... do you REALLY think so?" blush. acting, fucking them if they can't take a joke. i love this place. i love this stage. those stairs are dangerous. my life is this theatre. my life is these people. i'll miss this. i missed it. i kissed it. i drank it, i felt it, i expelled it and i mourned it. and it feels like it happened a year ago. stress in catching up and constantly falling behind. BROWNish.

december. icantfocusicantfocusicantfocus and everything fell apart. C'S GET DEGREES. SEES GET DEGREES. SEAS GET DEGREES and c's did get a degree. i missed her. i still fucking miss her. it never gets easier at christmas does it? bachelor machines and hating winnepeg full of wishful thinking and realizing i am a broken soul with good intentions and fear in my eyes. i missed you, but we made your favorite! maybe it's not about where you are but who you're with. remember that next time it hurts when that street no longer feels like a place you belong. reunions and reunited feelings for the one who i can't touch.

thank you to my friends and family. i love you so much even if i never say it. you keep me sane and happy and for that, i owe you infinitely.


and the slate is wiped clean.