blame it on the tetons

i believe in the universe. i believe in solitude. i believe in the power of books, the coziness of bed and the security of a good bra.

i want to believe in love. i want to believe in peace, courage and the love of a good friend.

why do i get like this?
existential crises come and go, but my constant fluxes of apathy and nihilism gives me the bends.
i can be completely confident, part of the time.
i can be partly confident, all of the time.
i can be not confident, some of the time.
but i want to be lovely all of the time.

this barrage of words sits on my tongue ready for fire. but i can't say it.
i want to be strong enough to live my life, free of fear because i think .... it's great. and i smile 10 times harder when i hear that delicate placement of vowels and consonants. for once, i lit up like a christmas tree, but now i can't even bear to think about anything except the lack of anything i have to look forward to right now.

3 more weeks. 3 more weeks. 3 moar weaks.
i'm so lost right now.