hi. this is a rant.

i'm so sick and tired of feeling completely invisible to absolutely everyone.
hi, i'm a person. hi, i have value. hi, i like you but what does it really matter?

for months i have been quiet and good and not myself because i'm afraid of losing something i never really had in the first place. i don't know why i do this, but i'm doing it again and i'm so unimpressed with myself right now. i don't want grudges. i don't want petty arguments. i want something real and mine. and i've got nothing at all.

i have wasted a summer trying to make things feel good for myself. i thought i needed friends, beaches, sunshine, wading pools, hand holding... but what i really need is something real.

i'm so tired of pretending to be happy. i want to be important, but it's obvious that i'm just around because it's easier than talking about it, than fixing it, than ending it.

i start school in 2 days. i have wasted a whole summer hoping for something that never ever came to me. what a waste. i'm sick of the hollow chest, nervous jitters and empty heart feelings. i shouldn't have to be dealing with them now. i'm sick of feeling rejected by people who aren't supposed to reject me.

yet at the same time, here i am. having this same conversation with myself time after time. the same fight, week after week. how stupid do i have to be to keep thinking things will get better when they really won't.

yet i just get angry. i think the hurt feelings have passed and now i'm just resentful. i hate this. i just want to cry about everything yet nothing happens because my body is so dried up from being exhausted and thinking too much and just HOPING you could call me and ask what's going on. i have never been this tired of hoping. wishing, praying that maybe i could mean something to you if i tried to change myself enough so you could just be with me.

some things never change. i think i'll always be a 15 year old girl praying that someone finds me worth their time. except that i'm 22, and i shouldn't be like this anymore.