552g

i don't feel like waiting around.
i can do this on my own, and i will be doing it a lot more in the next few days.
i'm dropping out of this game and in the meantime, i'm going to clear the clutter.
steps for the next week:

1. new hard drive, new bras, contact lenses (monday-wednesday. thursday if necessary)
   
2. band time! (tuesday)
3. 2 new pairs of jeans (monday)
4. clean closet, drink a litre of water (monday)
5. job interview (thursday)
6. sleep at least 7 hours (every day)
7. organize countless notebooks, binders and loose pages of song lyrics (at least 15 minutes daily)
8. work out regularly (every second day)
9. fall in love with something new (by saturday)

i want to go on a field trip to ikea.

ghosting

i want to wait 4 days before i do it because i seem to feel needy.
but then i give up. i want to right now. i want to break up these weeks of not being able to talk or see. but the rules state i need to back off.
the past states i should back off. maybe. does it? i don't even know.

things are blooming. my life is doing something different and i actually like it.
i love this. i feel great. i miss vancouver and the coast and the jagged pointy rocks in the ocean. i miss glass beaches and bays where i read my books in the sunlight.

i want to run away with you so we can hold hands and kick into the surf like they do in movies. but since i can't, i keep smiling in my bed with douglas coupland and the fantasies that happen between chapters.

i found out another secret, you were caught and i keep smiling. i don't know what i'm doing, but i like it. i like everything.

and this is why i have decided to leave your house and home unhaunted, you don't need poltergeists for side kicks. you don't need treats and you don't need tricks.

i am desperately in love with the world right now.

standing on my tippy toes

feelings.
nothing more than feelings.

i don't want to sound cliche or full of drivel spoken by the millions of people with palpitations inside of their ribs when faced with the voice of someone they care about but god damn does it get hard to sleep. it's been forever since i felt this way.

it's terrifying, i'll have you know.

on the other hand, i've been bored. but not bored enough to find a job. this will bite me so hard in the ass later, but i quite enjoy watching television shows i had no time to catch up on over the past x months. next is heroes, then the office. in the meantime, i downloaded season 1 of paranormal state. but that's not a "before bedtime" show. so back to grey's.

i think i'm getting sick, my body is all out of sorts.

Христос воскрес!

today we did the blessing of the baskets business that used to define my childhood.
what it did today was make me incredibly sad. the only place i remember doing this is at St. Josaphat's. i used to absolutely love the stairs. while my baba's talked to other people in Ukrainian, i'd be running up and down the stairs, paying special attention to the sides and corners. i can't remember how many times i was yelled at to be careful, to stop doing that, to stand still.

this year, we did it at Holy Eucharist and the last time i was inside that church was when we buried my great grandmother. the issue of time healing all wounds just seems so silly because i can still cry without provocation when i think about her. christmas and easter are notoriously bad for these nostalgic attacks and i'm surprised i didn't lose it last weekend making nalashnky and paska. there is something so inherent inside me that just makes me feel this incredible sense of loss whenever there are traditions that have been broken or altered because people die and things change.

i constantly feel torn between the life i desperately want for myself vs. the life i think i should lead due to my love of tradition. and no matter what i try to figure out, i always end up feeling stuck in the middle of both of these extremes and right now i just feel pretty blah about the whole thing.

i miss my baba. i want to go to her house tomorrow morning and have the whole place wreek of cabage. i want to eat her apple squares. i want to hear her delayed "....mmmmhello?" when she answers the phone. i just want to feel like there is some sort of constant somewhere, but everything's changing and i'm once again at a cross-roads.

i wish you would

come pick me up, take me out, fuck me up, steal my records,
screw all my friends behind my back with a smile on your face and then do it again.
i wish you would.

today was a weird day. i feel weird, i don't like feeling weird.
i want to read the glass menagerie and cry. i want to shed this momentary inferiority complex right now and get back to being happy like i was 2 days ago. mood swings are dumb.

it's odd how i didn't know how stressed i was, even odder how long it took to manifest inside me as a bug that makes me want to cry instead of puke. i feel hopeless for no reason at all, i'm in a good place. i've got the work done, i've done the time, i've put in the hours, sweat and now tears yet i'm so scared it won't be good enough.

in all honesty, my biggest fear is that i will never be good enough. for love, for work, for entertainment, for friendship. how do you just assume that something you do will be enough for someone? how do you even measure that in any sort of quantifiable way? my whole degree is basically a subtle way of training someone to think that they are enough, yet i don't feel like i'm enough.

i want to be funnier, wittier, quicker on the uptake, better looking... i want to know that i'm enough for you just by smiling and being around whenever you want me to. i want to know that i can be confident without fear of being rejected because why wouldn't someone want to be with me?

usually i'm really good at this logic but today i just feel like i'm an ant stuck under a magnifying glass and i don't like it.

"this is the night, what it does to you. i had nothing to offer anyone but my own confusion"

if i could change space and time, i'd be curled up in your arms right now, and you'd be telling me that i'm more than enough for anyone.